You Hump My Leg And I’ll Hump Yours

You Monsters Are People did an interview with Australian novelist and actor Thompson Waite. We discussed writing, teenage rebellion, family history, try-hards, failed parents, fake experts, and how to build a marginally successful website!

If you need to improve your awful blog or just want to appear like you are “in the zone” at work, then this is the podcast for you. You’ll get my hot blogging tips and I get the satisfaction of you having heard my voice.

The interview can be found here at Thompson’s Top Five or downloaded on iTunes for free. Enjoy the cross-promotion!

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Posted in america, art, Current Events, Dark Humor, podcast, podcasts, Uncategorized | Tagged , , , | Leave a comment

They Can Put A Man On The Moon

Americans used to be able to complain about something by saying “they can put a man on the moon….”

Well they can put a man on the moon but now they can’t even do that anymore.

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Posted in america, humor, Life, musings, science, society, true stories | Tagged , , , , | 15 Comments

Loosely Based On A True Story

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Popular Culture As Religion: Please Kill Your God

A few years after the twentieth century ended the world became terrible. The economy shit the bed, everyone lost their jobs, the government started to become evil, and all educational programing was systematically replaced by “reality” television. It was as if Orwell made a half-assed attempt to write a comedy but it ended up being our actual lives instead of a single work that permanently defamed him. This new world worked out great if you wanted to live in perpetual poverty watching idiots argue wide-eyed about nothing in particular over a staccato soundtrack between fifteen minutes of advertising. But, if you were interested in being more than a culture zombie, things were going to get rough the second you left college and entered the intellectual desert of everyday life.

The internet had become our last bastion of cultural hope but that too had begun the slow decent into repugnancy. Advertising started appearing on YouTube right around the same time Justin Bieber did. Video hosting websites just started sneaking them in over the course of a few years. Now if you want to watch an instructional video on replacing your old car’s exhaust manifold, you have to watch a commercial about why you need to change insurance companies immediately. But it’s not just the advertisements that have become a problem, it’s the repetitive meaningless quizzes, the “feeling blessed” status updates, and the incessant regurgitation of popular culture.

It’s almost as if this is the new faith– a distraction from reality that makes us feel safe and comfortable and keeps us from the big questions. God’s will used to stop us from obsessing over how the universe works or questioning our places in society. Now we have BuzzFeed and fake unscripted television for that. All of this garbage keeps you willfully ignorant of what is actually going on.

And the problem isn’t so much that the trash is out there, it’s that it is as pervasive as head lice in the second grade. In a single weekend I have involuntarily been witness to online articles of Disney Princesses as zombies, as steam-punk characters, as hipsters, as sexy nerd girl cosplay, as traditional cosplay, as plus sized cosplay, as cross-dressing cosplay, as tattoos, as fake Twitter accounts, and as a seemingly infinite mass ejection of throwaway memes. Despite legitimate artists everywhere creating brand new characters and original content, we are praising those who are co-opting popular images and characters by sharing their work over and over again. Combining two things people already like isn’t innovative or cool. It’s just a good way to con someone into thinking you’re an actual artist while selling a few shirts. Yet people everywhere flip their lids over the same tired photos of big breasted women in Darth Vader masks and doodles of Dr. Mario taking a dump in the TARDIS without a moment’s pause.

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Someone creates a website where they’ve added glasses to Batman villains and then the worst kind of writer finds it and turns it into the laziest article imaginable on some popular website. Twelve hours later, they’ve got a successful post and idiots everywhere are clapping their hands, sharing it, and then to my chagrin re-sharing it until it is nearly unavoidable. It’s the mental and cultural equivalent of fast food. While familiar, prevalent, and sometimes tasty, it probably isn’t very good for you when you consume a lot of it. Think about all of the original content you are missing from artists, authors, and musicians with something completely original to say. I bet you would be getting a richer experience from their work and I bet they’d dig a share or two. That way they can get big and we can have brand new cultural icons that less creative people can copy and Hollywood can recycle into terrible films.

As a contrarian, I know I am obnoxiously and instinctively going against the grain. With that said, I am still completely aware that there are some really decent pop-culture comics and BuzzFeed articles buried among the rest. But I wouldn’t go digging through a mass grave to find the hottest corpse to have sex with, would you?

Posted in art, comics, Current Events, Dark Humor, history, humor, Life, musings, politics, society, web comics, Webcomics | Tagged , , , , , , , , | 40 Comments

Please Help Feed Hungry Vampires

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Prison: Not Just for Criminals

There are still thousands of people in Colorado and Washington state prisons as a result of criminal possession or sale of marijuana– which has been legal for the last year. These states have already amassed several million in tax revenue by legitimizing recreational use of cannabis. Why not save even more money by removing non-violent criminals from the justice system entirely?

The government wouldn’t even need to apologize for arresting them in the first place. While it would probably be nice for them to hear, we could just release them with the knowledge that they are no longer criminals and be done with it. But, for some reason, the United States has a love affair with imprisoning black people. It’s going to be difficult for society to release these people into the land of the free after having committed acts as heinous as possessing a plant that makes you feel kind of good if you smoke it.

Personally, I would like to see the entire country free all of the hacktivists in jail for attempting to establish an information ethics code while protecting free speech and human rights. Maybe we could also release some of the Guantanamo hunger strikers and Chelsea “Brad” Manning while we are at it. Although, technically, all of these people have violated US laws (the bullshit ones) in some way. Then we have these other poor bastards behind bars for marijuana possession in states where it’s perfectly legal. That legalization should retroactively makes them upstanding citizens and eligible for a normal life again. Unless there is something I am missing, I think this may very well be a human rights issue. Then again, maybe prison is a total blast.

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Posted in Current Events, Dark Humor, musings, politics, society, true stories | Tagged , , , , , , | 14 Comments

Human Cheese: Not for the Common Man

After a brief surge in popularity a few years ago, cheese made from human milk sort of vanished from existence. While marginally curious, I assumed that I would never encounter it in my lifetime. I must have read a dozen articles on it being served in a few higher profile restaurants before the Health Department banned it. This was followed by Miriam Simun’s Lady Cheese Shop project. In essence, it was a week long gallery event where people could come in and taste cheeses made from the milk of New York’s finest (and perhaps most unoccupied) socialites. I believe the intent was to encourage people to think about how we obtain food and where it comes from while also offering an unparalleled dining experience for rich weirdos. The cheeses were served up with an assortment of garnishes and sometimes served on artisan breads or beside chocolate. Each offering came with chef’s notes, a completed dietary questionnaire from the milk’s producer, and even lab results on that person’s blood work. It was a high profile, creative, controversial, and culinary hit. But I had not heard much on the subject since, probably because the novelty had worn off.

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Fast forward roughly eighteen months and I finally found myself standing before of a tray of some poor woman’s warm ricotta. I had been invited out to a gallery opening celebrating the cycle of life and had been promised that there would be free drinks. The event was held in Brooklyn at a four story walk-up belonging to three young men with beards and potentially rich parents. They converted the space into a venue for artists and musicians semi-regularly and tonight the walls were adorned with photographs of afterbirth, stillborn infants, sexual intercourse, and paintings of the female form. I saw a few fertility sculptures and one terrarium that I thought might have been a display but I couldn’t be sure. I decided that, if it were my piece, I’d have filled it with tadpoles and hardboiled eggs. But not everyone possesses the same creative intuitions that I have been blessed with.

I wandered around for a while and had some wine before being confronted by a woman holding a platter. She smiled and said, “Breast milk cheese?”

There was none of the pageantry or perceived classiness that I had expected. There was no documentation, no lab results, and not a chef’s hat in sight. But I wasn’t in some fancy Manhattan gallery specifically designed to appeal to bored millionaires either. I made direct eye contact with her and understood instantly that this wasn’t just any cheese, it was her cheese and that refusing it would be the ultimate dishonor. Glancing down, it looked like someone had tossed several lumps of sweaty white dough in the center of a tray and emptied out a sleeve of soda crackers next to it. There was also a handwritten note card indicating that this was indeed “Breast Milk Cheese.”

I was completely taken off guard so my response was a brief chuckle proceeded by, “Jesus. Yeah, I guess so.”

Reaching for it, my initial feelings were of mild terror and light queasiness. It felt illegal, like being offered tiger meat or something. I have eaten almost every bizarre and disgusting type of food available in this country without ever batting so much as an eyelash but, for some reason, this felt different. Imagine someone was offering you heroin for the first time and you thought the needle might be dirty. That’s sort of how I felt. My brain understood that you have to super-heat milk to make cheese, so any AIDS that she might have had would have been burned off in the process. However, there was still a part of me that screamed out not to put this lump of person cream into my body. It was too damn personal. She was standing right in front of me, waiting for me to wolf it down. I stalled by asking a few questions about how it was seasoned. I learned that a little vinegar and a pinch of salt were the only non-boob-centric ingredients.

Thankfully she became distracted by some newcomers and walked over to them before a weird amount of time elapsed prior to my sampling of the cheese. With the the pressure off, I waited for the fear to subside before eating it because I genuinely wanted to know what it tasted like. Like most things you’ve built up in your mind, it was sort of bland, a little sweet, and smelled like your average fromage. It was basically the same as most fresh cheeses I’ve had. Throughout the course of the night I watched a young woman almost cry while another gentleman went back for seconds.

It was a very hip and predominantly younger scene. Everyone ignored the pieces or discussed them without involving politics, society, or art history. Most conversations centered around people I had never heard of or bands that I didn’t know enough about. Nobody really had anything to say. Even most of the artists appeared to have made things without any real intent or foresight. So, after a single pass, I wrangled a cat to pet and followed the cheese tray with my eyes. Three drinks and two hours later, I found myself back at home looking inside of the refrigerator for a late night snack. All I had were a couple of apples and enough shredded gouda to make a quesadilla.

I had the apple.

Posted in animals, art, Dark Humor, Life, pets, society, stories, web comics | Tagged , , , , , , , | 22 Comments

The Modern Chicken: A Theropod At Heart

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Tyrannosaurus rex is more closely related to a chicken than it is to an alligator. Think about that the next time you’re at a farm and you see twenty potential man eaters pecking away at food scraps. These little omnivores would absolutely eat you if they could and, if they ever get organized enough, I see that as a total possibility. Their ancestors once ruled the planet through unconstrained violence and a piece of that fury has to remain burning inside of their tiny chicken hearts. While a passing glance might make it seem an innocuous beast, holding a chicken’s gaze even for a moment hints at the rage swelling within. There is documented proof that all chickens are prospective killers and if you choose to ignore that proof then I feel sorry for you.

The lesson to be learned is never underestimate anyone. That clerk might be one rude customer away from going on a rampage. Your mailman may already have written the next great American novel. The person sitting in the park wearing the stupidest outfit you have ever seen might just be will.i.am. That meek old woman next door could have once been the world’s most infamous pornographic actress. On the seas of life, nobody knows what lies beneath. But, if you’re clever, you might catch a helpful glimpse from time to time.

Posted in animals, comics, Dark Humor, humor, Life, science, society, web comics, Webcomics | Tagged , , , , , , , | 22 Comments

Defeat Those Wintertime Blues: Things to Try If You’re Not a Huge Baby

Based on the expressions on ugly people’s faces that I’ve been passing in the street, the winter doldrums are still going strong. However, the temperatures are about to rise everywhere and the sun has been seen hanging out in the sky a little longer than usual. You only need endure listlessness for a few more weeks and I’m here to help. I’ve compiled a brief list of things that might brighten your mood as winter dies and can personally attest to all of them being great. Consider trying everything on this list. But, if you do not have the means or time to do so, I would suggest closing your eyes and imagining what each event might be like as a form of seasonal therapy:

Learning how to skateboard and then doing a bunch of tricks in front of that cool girl you met at the beach.

Rolling a natural 20 in a high pressure moment of Dungeons and Dragons.

Sitting near a couple of bear cubs just relaxing in a grassy field.

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Shaving a swear word into your own hair.

Finally finding that vegan cheese you’ve been looking for.

Your partner suddenly agreeing to that really weird thing you’ve been “wanting to try for a while now.”

Drinking a 40oz malt liquor beverage (probably King Cobra) with your crew and then walking to get hamburgers on a summer day.

Riding a wheelie out of someone’s living room window and then all the way down the street you used to live on while everyone is eating hotdogs and clapping for you.

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Playing a didgeridoo right into the face of a screaming baby.

The pastor of your church doing a guitar solo before proclaiming Satan the new God.

Living as one of Hitler’s dogs. Live the sweet life until 1945 or bite him and change history?

Being a medieval warrior having just taken over an opponent’s castle, raped all his food, and eaten all of his women (that wasn’t a typo).

Your boss calling you into their office. While pretending to listen, you give yourself a running start to jump kick them out of their huge corner window. When your co-workers enter the room they all start screaming and ripping off their sleeves. Eventually the entire office is being destroyed as each employee succumbs to their own primal rage.

Stealing a police car and joy riding it through town before parking it on the steps of city hall and burning it.

Winning the lottery and using the money to fund a marketing campaign for your new role as a super villain. Use the money to hire hit squads for hunting down billionaires and the fifty people you thought had the stupidest names in the phone-book.

Your dad coming back to life.

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I just realized that this could have been called 16 Ways To Defeat Those Wintertime Blues, but numbered list articles are a bigger problem in this country than racism, the national debt, and cancer combined.

Posted in Current Events, Dark Humor, dreams, history, humor, Life | Tagged , , , , | 30 Comments

Valentine’s Day Cards For Everybody Else

This morning the cyberverse was awash with Valentine’s Day themed images and I couldn’t help but notice that several demographics weren’t being represented in the slightest. The Hallmark Holiday seems to primarily celebrate a very middle of the road sort of romance and that’s very boring. So, in the hopes of helping some of the overlooked lovers out there, I hurried over to my pens to make a few cards.
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Hopefully Hallmark already has you covered. Happy Valentine’s Day.

Posted in animals, Current Events, Dark Humor, Life, love, society | Tagged , , , , , , , | 21 Comments