I’ve been thinking a lot about time travel lately and wondering why that’s not the next big technology we’re working on. I don’t need my computer to be any smaller or flatter than it currently is and we already have flying cars, called helicopters, and underground tubes to take us wherever we want. Hadron colliders are great for “colliding hadrons” but when is that thing going to yield some data that we can use to build a time machine?
I have a proposition, let’s put someone inside of a spacesuit and set them down on a lawn-chair in the middle of the Large Hadron Collider. Then we turn that thing up as high as it will go until that guy is getting blasted by so many rogue quarks that something awesome happens. That person would be slapped with so much dark matter and strange matter that something cool is bound to happen, right? Sure, there’s a chance we could unleash a quark star or microscopic black holes and obliterate all life on this planet, but that’s the nature of discovery. Was Christopher Columbus going to sail off the edge of the world? Would the atomic bomb ignite our atmosphere and incinerate the entire planet? Did breaking the sound barrier liquify the pilot’s organs?
Taking scientific discovery to the maximum has been historically resplendent and it’s the only way we’re every going to achieve time travel. It’s my understanding that, in the sixties, astronauts listened to electric guitar solos and smoked crack for the entire two week trip to the moon. However, understanding how scientific discovery works doesn’t answer the question of what we’re going to do when we finally obtain this new technology? I would suggest going back and punching Governors Scott Walker and Rick Snyder while they are still in the crib. I would also consider sharing a high five with myself so forbidden that it destroys all time and space. Based on several movies that came out in the nineteen-eighties, there are all kinds of time travel related shenanigans we can get into.
Maybe we could advertise it as a form of vacation. Who wouldn’t want to holiday in ancient Rome? There are probably thousands of creepy pedophiles that would pay top dollar for that opportunity. There, I just found nearly all of the funding needed for time travel research. There are millions of janitors, coaches, youth group leaders and retired clowns with nothing else they would rather spend their money on. In the meantime, I have a cost effective alternative for the rest of us.
Someone told me this joke yesterday. She knows my affinity for terrible puns and hit this one so high out of the park that it killed an eagle.