MOST BELOVED STORIES AND COMICS
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- Ghost Dogs and the New American Job Market
- When To Hug Someone: Life's Greatest Mystery
- Heartache in the Absence of Love and then, Eventually, the Other.
- An Open Letter to the People in Charge
- Spiders In School
The problem with drinking is that the better of an idea it seems to be, the less likely that is probably the case. I have spent roughly a decade partying responsibly but, lately, drinking hasn’t been quite as much fun for me. This is probably because nobody wants to be the sleepy drunk. Sure, it’s all well and good to go out and get hammered when you’ve had twelve hours of sleep and woke up at noon but that’s not going to be an option for some of the phases of your life. I notice that after that third martini, there is a fifty-fifty chance that I will start contemplating how satisfying it would be to just go to bed and wake up early.
However, it seems that a lot of my peers are managing to ride the night out screaming their booze scented words into countless dimly lit rooms without any problems. Meanwhile, I have repeatedly caught myself complaining about the loudness of music like some cantankerous old man. I’m not sure if I am getting old or if I just hate the bar scene in New York City. In New York most of the drinking establishments are crowded, loud and, after eleven, inexplicably transform into clubs. When I show up I just waltz in but, by the time I leave, there is a slew of bouncers at the door and a velvet rope. Why would I want to wait in a line to go into this loud and crowded darkened void where I have to yell to talk and be subjected to expensive cocktails and awful music? I might as well line up for getting kicked in the groin but there are actually clubs where you can do that already, and I don’t want to go to them either. I would be a terrible club owner because the first thing I’d think once a lot of people start showing up is “this place was a lot cooler before all of these other idiots showed up.”
I’m more of a pub or a lounge person anyway. If there isn’t a live show, dancing to be done, and I’m not on some sort of colossal drug binge, I don’t see the point of being assaulted with music and forced to stand up while having to squeeze by completely sober bouncers who are even less excited to be there than I am. It is nice to at least have the option to sit down somewhere and attempt to have a conversation with another human being. It’s not as if I have completely fallen out of love with drinking. I still like having a few stiff drinks, enjoy mixing cocktails and will occasionally still invent a new one if the mood takes me.
Maybe I’m just getting old, maybe alcohol just isn’t enough to take the edge off anymore, or maybe I’ve seen one too many people I know become drunks or do an exorbitant number of stupid things. Being drunk often becomes a really good way to mitigate yourself of any wrongdoing. I have heard drinking used as an excuse for the following actions:
Going to the bathroom on the floor
Beating your child
Driving too fast
Having sex with an ugly person
Pissing their pants
Going to the bathroom onto an electronic device
Jumping into an empty pool
Saying something racist
Crashing a motorcycle
Setting themselves on fire
Blowing up a shed
Getting their hair caught in a doorstop during coitus
Getting lost in their hometown
Falling asleep on a roof
Falling asleep while smoking a cigarette
Falling asleep on the toilet
Falling asleep during coitus
Defecating into a crock-pot and turning it on
Tongue kissing a dog for six straight minutes
Gaining a bunch of weight
Telling someone that they’ve always hated them
Telling someone that they’ve always loved them
And trying to play a DVD in a VHS player.
This isn’t a plea to have everyone stop drinking. Alcohol serves many purposes. It helps to bring down social barriers, allows an intelligent person to enjoy the company of idiots and helps show the true character of most people. I endorse experiences and whatever brand of lifestyle that makes you the happiest. It is, however, important to get the most out of your drinking time without taking it for granted. Don’t allow being drunk to trick you into doing something that wouldn’t otherwise be any fun. You don’t have to go to a club to be drunk. You can be drunk on a walk or with your loved ones at home. You can sing, write, dance while drunk. You can be drunk at the movies or on a bus or even at a fancy dinner. Enjoy the experience as if you were sober, then give yourself the option to be wasted. Life is much more interesting that way. Can you imagine telling a first date that you went to the museum drunk because you already enjoyed it so much while abstaining from alcohol? They are going to think that you’re so classy that you won’t be able to talk them out of a second date even if you wanted to. That level of control is way too sexy for them to ignore.