Extraordinarily Execrable Jokes: Terribly Good Humor

I used to absolutely cringe anytime someone told me an old joke because, nine times out of ten, it was going to be awful.  Most old jokes have this habit of being entirely pun based or employing some form of bigotry for a laugh.  A lot of these jokes came straight from Vaudeville shows, an establishment that catered to segregated and non-segregated audiences regularly.  Every minority or majority imaginable had it’s own unique circuit that had acts catering specifically to their style and, let’s face it, hate always seems to be in style.  So you have your “a ________ walks into a bar” jokes and an arsenal of quips, puns, bon mots and other witticisms.

Rampant racism aside, there are actually a lot of good old jokes and I have found that it has everything to do with the delivery.  We hate these gags because we learned them from our grandfather and most people don’t not have a particularly funny grandpappy.  We loved this old man, he was good to us but he told us the same tired jokes in the same tired way time and time again.  “Grandpa, I get it.  Cows go to eat lunch at the calf-eteria.  It’s just that I’ve already head this joke before…” is probably terrifyingly close to something we’ve all said before.  If everyone’s grandparents were Jerry Stiller and Anne Meara, all of these old jokes would probably still be funny because they would have been told correctly.

Don’t worry because  I am going to help educate you in delivering some “bad” jokes effectively.  You need to remember that, even if you don’t have confidence in the joke itself, you have to have confidence in yourself.  People will assume something just about anything is funny if it comes from the right person.  If you are a clever and assured person, the jokes will just come across better.  When you tell the joke you have to make it painfully aware that you know that the joke is awful but that is part of the reason you love it.  When you open, always open with a question so that they become unknowingly attracted by the setup.  Calmly ask someone, “What do you call a fish with no eye?”  When they say that they don’t know, they will continue to search for an answer in their mind before actually giving up.  Make the most of this moment.  I can’t help but smile before the payoff and, the worse the joke is, the more likely I am to grin uncontrollably.  Visually prepare yourself for the punchline.  Close your eyes and take a breath.  Build the suspense.

“Fssssshhhhh.”

Occasionally there will be a joke that has a plausible answer that you have to work around.  For instance, “Why does a chicken coop have only two doors?” may have a legitimate answer that a farmer might actually know.  If that does happen, let him finish and say, “No no no, farmer.  It’s because four doors would make them chicken sedans.”

I also cannot recommend touching someone’s arm before delivering a punchline of a bad joke enough.  They probably don’t want to be touched but that’s okay because they probably didn’t want to hear the joke either.  Touch them.  Hold onto their arm and make them a part of what you are doing, regardless of what they think they want.

I can recall a time that this worked perfectly.  It was winter and I was walking with the love of my life past some Santa ringing a donation bell.  I quickly wrapped my arm around her, squeezed her against me and stopped walking.  “Do you know what they call Santa’s helpers?” I asked.

She informed me that she did not and seemed terrified but elated with how immediately weird and intense I had become.

“Subordinate Clauses.” I raised my eyebrows in flirtatious self-satisfaction while she giggled and tried her best to pretend she hated the joke.  Perhaps she did hate the joke but she loved me for telling it.  I’m not entirely certain on how these things work.

The last few days have been incredibly busy.  I’ve hardly had time to think.

I would love to hear any old or bad jokes you, or your friends, are particularly fond of.

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About You Monsters Are People

Wisdom, wonderment and weird for everyone.
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22 Responses to Extraordinarily Execrable Jokes: Terribly Good Humor

  1. I use to hang out with a lot of Urban Planners and we tried to come up with dirty jokes related to urban planning…

    They ended up being very tasteless and obscene. I won though. I would share the joke, but it’s highly inappropriate and non-urban planners may raise a brow.

    Kind of like non-physicists or chemists in your comic (I laughed).

    D.

  2. ashleigh says:

    those are not bad jokes! all mentioned were excellent. (i guess that shows my sense of humor?) especially the subordinate clauses. now thats one to keep in your pocket.

  3. nrhatch says:

    Excellent post.

    I know some truly awful jokes that make me laugh every time . . . because of the way they were conveyed to me the first time.

  4. When is a car not a car?

    When it turns into a driveway!

    Har har har.

  5. I am awful at telling jokes of just about any sort so I try NOT to. I wonder if it’s the nature of most jokes as you’ve written. Humor is a very strange thing that comes and goes in many forms. The base ones dealing in slapstick physical humor leave me totally nonpulsed while many adore such antics. Never found the Three Stooges funny–just very disconcerting. Maybe that was because I knew from experience that getting poked in the eye HURTS? Maybe. Humor. Good post. Thanks.

  6. michael ian yellow says:

    1. pg
    A pirate walks into a bar. Everyone stares and whispers; not because he’s a pirate in a bar, but because he has the ship’s wheel hanging from his genitals.

    He approaches the bar, orders a drink from the barkeep. The barkeep, who’s seen her fair share of the odd, serves him his drink, but can’t help but stare.

    Finally, she breaks down, “I’m sorry, man, but why do you have a wheel hanging from your trousers?”

    “Arrrrr, it’s driving me nuts.”

    wakka wakka

    2. pg13
    A man walks into a urologist’s office.

    “Doc, you got to help me out. It’s awful. My dick looks like corkscrew. It’s been like this for years. I can’t take it anymore. I can’t get laid like this. I’m nearly thirty. I don’t want to die a virgin.”

    “Wait, what? Okay, okay. Drop your pants; let’s see.”

    The doc throws up a little in his mouth, composes himself.

    “Hmm, that is odd. I’m not sure what to tell you. Come back in a month. I’ll see what I can figure out.”

    “Thank you. Please, you got to figure something out.” Guy leaves.

    A few weeks pass and the doctor calls the guy to verify his appointment.

    “Actually, I was going to call and cancel; I’m cured.”

    “You’re cured? I haven’t even found another case like this. How were you cured?!”

    “Well, I was at a club with some friends one night. I went to take a piss and this guy next to me was patting his cock. I say, ‘Hey, what the hell are you doing, buddy? Do that on your own time.’ And he says he’s knocking off the drops so his khakis don’t get piss stains on them.”

    “And? I don’t understand. What’s your point?”

    “I used to wring out the last drips.” (best delivered with wringing gesture…)

  7. What did the fish say when it swam into a concrete wall?

    “Dam”

  8. What did the panda say when he found out someone stole all his food?

    “I’ve been BAMBOOZLED!”

  9. I LOVE corny jokes that Grandpa would tell. Two originals: #1 What kind of champagne do penguins drink on New Year’s Eve? Cold Duck ( you can make up the birds jokes re Wild Turkey and Old Crow). #2 Three bars walk into a priest…..

  10. leahkaminsky says:

    “Subordinate clauses.” Love it! What do you think though separates these jokes from dad jokes? Or does it not matter?

    • Posky says:

      I doubt it matters. Years ago, when my love for such jokes was just beginning, my then fiance used to call them “Dad Jokes.” My last girlfriend just referred to them as puns or bad jokes. I am aware that I use these jokes in conjunction with my normal wit, storytelling and dark humor but I think I save the majority of THESE sort of jokes for the women I love. It whips them into a love frenzy.

  11. 3 almost deaf Englishmen on train #1 Is this Wembley? #2 No it’s Thursday.#3 I’m thirsty too. Let’s stop for a pint. Every Englishman joke I ever heard has this same punchline

  12. Michael Ian Black says:

    A mushroom walks into a bar.

    The bar tender shouts at him, “Get out of here! We don’t serve your kind!”

    Mushroom says, “But I’m a fungi.”

  13. Saumya says:

    A man walks into a bar.

    Pause

    Pause

    OUCH!

  14. Vodka and Ground Beef says:

    “I also cannot recommend touching someone’s arm before delivering a punchline of a bad joke enough. They probably don’t want to be touched but that’s okay because they probably didn’t want to hear the joke either. Touch them.”

    I cannot wait to try this.

  15. nursemyra says:

    I love a good grammar joke… subordinate clauses is excellent Posky!

  16. “Fssssshhhhh.”

    ROFLSTCIIHO!

    “I would like to kiss you in your forward…”
    A text message from an ex who was still half-asleep at 4 a.m. in the morning (at least I’d like to believe he was!). I burst out laughing. I think he meant forehead (again I’m assuming) because whatever could forward be? I didn’t let him forget it. That’s not technically a joke but well you asked, and it’s the first thing that comes to mind, so yeah…

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