The Apex of Cuisine: When Too Far Isn’t Far Enough

Roughly every half century, humanity takes a giant leap forward.  The industrial revolution created the modern age of progress and spurred technological advancements.  Fifty years later, we detonated the atomic bomb and man left the safety of our planet for outer space.  Then, in 1995, Pizza Hut invented stuffed crust pizza and changed the world forever.  While the standard course of history should have caused Pizza Hut to yield the next great technological achievement to another, fate simply wouldn’t allow it.  If you’re not sitting down already, I strongly recommend that you take a seat or convince someone to catch you after you faint.  Seriously, do not read another sentence until you are fully prepared to have every emotion simultaneously and uncontrollably erupt out of your body.

Last week, Pizza Hut released a pizza that has hotdog stuffed right into the crust.  Already offering crusts stuffed with cheese or hotdog, it is only a matter of time before they release the crust with cheese stuffed hotdogs.  This all begs the question, “What else has Pizza Hut been keeping from us?”

My initial reaction to this hotdog stuffed crust news was exactly the same as my reaction to the cheese stuffed crust and several videos some of my less upstanding friends have emailed to me.

Then I found out that it was only available in the United Kingdom and became outraged.  First of all, even though I don’t have any proof of this, I’m fairly certain that America invented both the hotdog and the pizza.  If not, then we at least mastered the art of stuffing one food inside of another.  I also thought that the heartlands of America were the places that chain restaurants demoed ridiculous foods like this.  I remember once driving from Detroit to Chicago and happening across KFC’s Famous Bowl in Indiana well before they unleashed that terror across the rest of the globe.  The same was true of the Double Down, which is a bacon and cheese sandwich where they have replaced the bread with two hunks of fried chicken.  Sure, I’ve heard that they have a Chicken Nugget Burger in Germany, but that seems pretty tame compared to Domino’s pizza made entirely out of Oreo cookies and vanilla icing or Wendy’s Baconator Double.  You can also make a nugget burger on your own.  In the past I have habitually inserted nuggets and fries into my hamburgers because I live in America and that’s something we do.

I’m not saying America has a lock on unhealthy foods but we’ve certainly put the time in to at least make that claim.  Things are changing though and the healthy food craze is taking the nation by storm.  While this is definitely a positive thing, I hope that it doesn’t come at the cost of our chicken and waffles or fried frozen Cokes.  We need to understand that these are all dare foods.  You are not supposed to eat them all of the time, you’re supposed to get them once in a while and then regret it.  When you have a three day weekend and you’re drunk with a friend in the middle of the afternoon, that is the time to indulge in your most disgustingly decadent of food pleasures.  However, if you just happen to be on your way home from work, you don’t need to put frozen yogurt into your pastrami submarine sandwich.  Dare foods are a novelty and all about the experience, not about getting as much of them into your body as you can before it realizes that it doesn’t want anymore.

As I’ve gotten older I have started to understand the temptations of food a little more, but not to the extremes that some people take it.  I don’t know if you’ve ever listened to The Splendid Table, but that woman talks about food like a registered sex offender talks about sixteen year olds.  I once had a child in my car and they heard her talking about an egg she ate in France and I had to turn off the radio because I worried that it was doing psychological damage.  She once had a twenty minute conversation with someone about the impact different types of bread have had on her life.  While undoubtedly important, I rarely ever reflect back on the breads in my life when I’m not already eating a piece.  It’s absolutely ridiculous.  The food television networks are better but I’ll still occasionally get the impression that the food is supposed to deliver some sort of higher pleasure to the person consuming it than it should.  It’s usually when they strategically light the food to look good and then shoot it with a soft filter like it’s in some sex scene on an vintage soap opera that I’ll start to feel like something is amiss.

I, admittedly, enjoy reading up about consumables but food culture sort of misses me.  I think a part of me wants to understand because I really do love a variety of foods but I always seem to fall short once it starts to sound like an erotic novel about rare ingredients.  Then again, I suppose the alternative isn’t much better:

“I cooked some beef today because it was on sale and I hadn’t had any in a while.  I was going to cook a nice chicken curry with rice but then realized that it was going to be just me and I needed to eat that beef because it was starting to stink.  It needed some salt, so I salted it.  I’d say it was pretty okay because I didn’t get all that sick.”

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About You Monsters Are People

Wisdom, wonderment and weird for everyone.
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226 Responses to The Apex of Cuisine: When Too Far Isn’t Far Enough

  1. gingerjudgesyou says:

    Hahaha I love this post, I was laughing all the way through. Great job!

  2. weavinglight says:

    The problem with Pizza Hut in the UK is that it’s just not edible, unlike Pizza Hut in the US, where it is.

    • lauriejlong says:

      Yeah, seriously. Who in their right mind would want Chicken Tikka Masala Pizza? It is DISGUSTING!!

      • Arde Sapere says:

        People who are in their right mind rarely go into the Pizza Hut in the UK…

      • lauriejlong says:

        I would like to attribute that horrible culinary disaster to Pizza Slut, but, alas, it was Domino’s. I am bereft. Domino’s generally makes good gastronomic decisions… :(

  3. USA enginenewity has destroyed pizza. Italians would never eat this junk these chains sell. And pepperoni is a heart attack a slice-no way.

  4. When I was in New Orleans, I discovered a thing called “Angels on Horseback” which is a shrimp stuffed in an oyster wrapped in bacon and deep fried, a “Turducken” (a chicken wrapped in duck crammed into a turkey), deep-fried, and a disgusting cupcake filled with an oreo cookie and a peanut butter cup. After eating these things I felt like a pregnant teenager stuffed inside an old lady fried in lard.

  5. drawandshoot says:

    Poutine pizza I’m thinking…

  6. The Hot dog in a pizza thing is similar to 30 Rock’s “Cheesy Blasters”
    Which I will tell you is “take a hot dog, stuff it with some jack cheese, roll it in a pizza… YOU GOT CHEESY BLASTERS”
    And they have a mascot called Meat Cat.
    Now that I have shared this, I’m going to take a long walk back to my cave of shame….

  7. I’m infuriated by yet another attempt to keep American’s among the least healthy nation on the Planet Earth! Really?

  8. prenin says:

    I’m glad I’m on a diet – these options sound sicky poos…

    God Bless!

    Prenin.

  9. neverreadit says:

    As a Brit I am also shocked that they’ve brought the hotdog cheese-stuffed crust pizza here first. It seems irresponsible to me. How the hell do we handle that? Pizza Hut has made a grave mistake.

  10. I think it sound disgusting. All of it. Even the salted beef.

  11. lectro89 says:

    Sounds like a good idea… to contribute to the already obese obesity problem (See what i did there? no? smh). Thanks for the warning though… i made sure to sit down before i continued… lol

  12. Wow, this post made me chortle a little too much.
    This isn’t all that relevant but here in Australia we have cheese and bacon flavoured biscuits.
    We also have Vegemite and it’s disgusting so please don’t ever try it.

  13. This kind of food abuse should be prompt dawn raids, surely.

  14. NecroKitten says:

    The Ultimate Stuffed Crust? We had it here in Canada for awhile not too long ago. There was either pepperoni in the cheese crust or a ‘meaty’ version that had pepperoni, ground beef and some other type of meat. It was like another pizza in the crust. It was so good. SO good.

  15. saradraws says:

    I would read a food blog you write. You’re my people.

  16. Haha!! I love it! A humburger with a hotdog inside. Who knows right?
    Katie

    http://katieraspberry.wordpress.com/

  17. Posky my friend — you’ve done it AGAIN!

    And I hadn’t even had a chance to open your post from my email yet. Nice work…

    My 12-year-old would TOTALLY buy the hot dog in a hamburger thing. And I’m guessing he’s also the target market for pigs-in-a-crust…
    :)

    • Posky says:

      I’m alright with that as long as you read and enjoyed.

      If your child wants to do any other food brainstorming, I’m all about having him help me build the future.

  18. pizza girl says:

    I work at a different pizza chain. We have been adding hot dogs in or out of the crust for a while for our personal enjoyment. A lot of the new pizza you see coming out was invented by a bunch of pizza chain employees who were bored by the “regular” pizza. We had spagetti pizza yesterday. It was awesome! A stoner’s dream come true!

  19. The Hook says:

    Hilarious work!
    Very cool to see you get the praise you so richly deserve old friend!

  20. Connie T says:

    My brother in love would probably love that hotdog crust pizza. He eats hotdogs everyday.

  21. Hilarious! But all the way through this post I kept picturing a hot dog stuck in a granola bar. . . congrats on the FP!

  22. Rae says:

    I like hot dogs, but those hot dogs have gone too far.

  23. xuantian says:

    Hmmmmm,,,inspirational! :) Keep up the good work!

  24. LipiMac says:

    Whoa, you have a bacon and cheese sandwich with fried chicken instead of bread and a Oreo Pizza??? Too bad we don’t have those things here.
    Loved reading your post :)

  25. aerodromz says:

    whoa .. great job! thank you, really enjoyed the article ;)

  26. List of X says:

    Few more innovation suggestions for Pizza Hut:
    1) pizza stuffed with another pizza
    2) Hotdogs stuffed with pizza
    3) Pizza stuffed with stuffed hotdogs stuffed with another pizza
    4) finally, the most extreme one suggestion would be to start using fresh ingredients to make pizza

    • Posky says:

      Number 4 sounds made up, they’d never go that far… would they?

      Also Pizzone is my favorite word, but I never use it in the way Pizza Hut intended.

  27. There’s worse on “This is why your fat” http://thisiswhyyourefat.tumblr.com/ Some of it’s truly sickening. Of course, just checking it today, I saw smores cupcakes which look amazing. Same with the five pound grilled cheese. Stuff my hamburger with that hot dog, I guess I like the food porn!

  28. LOL this post is hilarious! XD reminds me of those food challenges where people are suppose to eat a burger with 3 patties bacon, eggs and who knows what else on it!

  29. haha, love your drawings

  30. aFrankAngle says:

    Awesome post! Oh the culinary adventures we take.

  31. Annie says:

    The empty crust was just too healthy, wasn’t it? Add cheese and it’s a little bit better…but a HOT DOG! Wow…now that’s food. :/

    • Posky says:

      It’s something… I don’t know if it’s “food” exactly… but it’s something.

      Something magical and horrifying at the same time.

  32. Sarah D. says:

    Your sense of history is a little off. Fifty years from the Industrial Revolution to the atomic bomb? Ahem. Sorry, I can resist cheese-bacon-hamburger-saurkraut-onion-hotdog-icecream-stuffed pizza with pepperoni, no problem, but correcting a flagrant misdating of history, never!

    Who dreams up these “menu items,” anyway? How do they force somebody to test them before they put them on the market? Where do they find them? I picture some poor little dogs trying desparately to hide in the basement . . .

    • Posky says:

      I would assume the ideas mostly come from single lonely men with a food fetish or married ones that have no desire to stay healthy looking for their wives.

  33. Funny stuff, I like hot dogs in my Macaroni and cheese, so maybe we can just spoon that into a taco shell, cover it with a hamburger bun, and then fry it in a egg roll wrapper! PERFECTION! you welcome arteries!

  34. Christopher says:

    Seeing this, I feel obligated to share that the Akron Aeros, the Double A, Minor league baseball affiliate of the Cleveland Indians, began offering some interesting items last summer. The Screamer, a 21 scoop ice cream sundae served in an acual size batting helmet. The 14 inch long WonderDog and the 1 pound 8th Wonder of the World dog, both of which come with toppings ranging from potato salad to PB&J. The 3 Dog Night, which is a hot dog, inside a bratwurst, inside a kielbasa. Last but not least, the Nice To Meat You burger, which is a Cheeseburger, topped with bacon and, you guessed it, a hotdog.
    Just thought you’d like to know.

    • Posky says:

      I am relieved to hear it. I would have been pretty appalled if I were the first person to ever think to put a hotdog and hamburger together. That’s just common sense.

      • Christopher says:

        You would think. I would also like to think that this means we came up with the idea for a pizza/hotdog mash-up first, as you can order 1 pound hot dog with pizza toppings on it.
        I would say your fears should be assuaged!

  35. Nice post! I liked the way you talked about the “Out-there” foods being dare foods. Congrats on FP!

  36. One day, we’ll get pizza with actual DOGS baked into the crust. Mmmmm! Wiener dog!

  37. I am so glad I cannot eat hot dogs anymore…and even if I could I would definitely pass on the dogizza. Thanks for the laugh though!

  38. natasiarose says:

    I think the problem is that for a lot of Americans, those foods are more of a weekly occurrence than a “dare food.” If I didn’t have a modicum of self restraint, I would eat a McGriddle every day! Droooolll

    • Posky says:

      The McGriddle is one of those things that seemed like a horrible idea but turned out to be crazy good. I usually save them for road trips and any day I get up obscenely early for something.

      What makes them so appealing?

  39. wrands says:

    haha love your post!

  40. I saw the hotdog pizza commercial here in Canada and waas grossed out. I don’t even want cheese in my crust. We usually buy Panago and I get multigranin thincrust. It makes all the bad toppings seem heathier….

  41. Eve Redwater says:

    I thought I recognised your delicious-looking-fine-lined burger creation on the front page of WordPress! Awesome post Posky, and congrats for being FP’d again! :D

    • Posky says:

      Thanks, Eve, but can’t we all agree this is getting totally ridiculous? I mean, is wordpress in love with me?

      I sure hope so because I’m in love with it.

  42. ribbie says:

    Even though I’ve never had a fried frozen Coke, I would be horrified if were one no longer available. I don’t feel the same way about Pink Slime, which incidentally fries much better than a frozen coke, I’m told. But that hotdog stuffed crust is a very cool innovation, when that I will not soon try. I am waiting for the day when I can order a pizza with corn dogs and fried Hostess orange cupcake toppings.

    • Posky says:

      I think the pink slime was in reference to Ghostbusters 2. However it’s a pretty ominous note and I can’t remember clearly. It just exists in my handwriting in the house.

      That day is soon coming.

  43. urbannight says:

    I thought the idea of a cheese stuffed pizza was a good one. Until I ordered one and discovered you could only get it in pepperoni. I wanted a meat lovers pizza. But I got it anyway. I was very underwhelmed. It was pretty terrible. Normally Pizza Hut isn’t so terrible. I wouldn’t touch a hot dog stuffed pizza with a 10 foot pole. I only like hot dogs burned over an open fire.

    • Posky says:

      I feel the same way about the parents of “indigo children.”

    • cynniebuns says:

      It is totally do-able — I would use bread flour in the pizza dough, roll it out longer and sprinkle a mixture of grated (light) cheese and oregano and seal it. I find bad foods are okay if you were to make them yourself! (I use way less grease than take out pizzas) Pepperoni and cheese only go well with crackers — not with a bread texture.

  44. tinspring says:

    My husband made it to the La Porte, Indiana state fair last year (don’t ask) and discovered the Chicken Eggo Sandwich: chicken breast with a Cap’n Crunch cereal breading between two Eggo waffles. Dare food at its finest (and no he did not eat it).

    • Posky says:

      They do chicken and waffles in the south western United States. I gave them a shot once when I was out there– not bad.

  45. Jimmy G. says:

    This is some very prolific and funny stuff! You have sparked me to write a post about how Bread has shaped my life and evolved room the simple white loaf of sandwich bread to the artisan glory there is today! Watch for it!

  46. bellesogni says:

    You mean you don’t remember the first time you seen a female lick a Popsicle or bite a breadstick? Or run her tongue all around an ice cream cone, the sticky gooeyness dripping off her chin? Maybe you don’t recall seeing a female sucking on a straw, idly drawing it up and down in glistening pursed lips?

    You’re right. Food never shapes our lives.

  47. Kai says:

    First, I want to know how you fry a frozen coke? Second, I once went to a neighbor’s place to ask a question that I don’t remember. When she opened the door the stench from her kitchen was unbearable. When I told her that her meat was no good and that brown and horrid smelling signified something she needed to throw away, she said “oh, let me just add more salt.” I never, ever ate a thing she offered me after that day. Great post.

  48. Scott says:

    This is a very funny, clever post! You especially tie sex with food quite well! The hamburger with the hot dog crammed into the top of it looks absolutely disgusting (as disgusting as the idea of a hot dog-stuffed pizza crust)–though some dirty old women might find it very appealling! I am reminded of this: In Victorian times, wealthy young women were discouraged by their mothers from eating bananas, though they were never told why!

  49. Jennirific says:

    pretty crazy stuff! fun post :)

  50. agogo22 says:

    Reblogged this on msamba.

  51. Diet Drop says:

    Funny! I get so annoyed when I hear about a new product only to find out it’s not offered here. Stuffed-crust pizza really brings out the snack monster in me (http://dietdrop.wordpress.com/2012/04/05/the-snack-monster/). –Michelle @DietDrop

  52. sarahcoleua says:

    This reminds me of 30 Rock. “You take a hotdog, stuff it with some Jack cheese, fold it in a pizza! You got cheesy blasters!” Funny stuff. But in all seriousness, the way this country eats is ridiculous. I can’t say much. I’m a sucker for Slim Jims, hot wings dipped in ranch dressing, big ol’ juicy hamburgers, cookies, cake and anything sweet, but I try to eat it in moderation. I treat myself. Well, sometimes. But the point is, hotdog-crust pizza? That’s a bit ridiculous.

  53. I heard someone mention the hogdog pizza thing & thought they were kidding for quite awhile. I guess i like pizza the normal way, with pineapple and spinach :)

  54. That article was awesome! LOL

  55. lijiujiu says:

    Very informative.
    Thanks for sharing.

  56. ConfusedDi says:

    Just stopped by your blog for the first time and had a great laugh, so thanks for that!! Not the last one :)

  57. activerunner says:

    Is that hotdog crammed into a hamburger thing for real?? Gross!! Funny post though.

    • mackerelskies says:

      There’s a few restaurants around here that sell a hamburger that comes with a hot dog and and egg on it (along with all the other usual hamburger toppings, ie lettuce tomato etc). It scares me that it seems to be spreading.

  58. When I first lived in Poland, I went to a Pizza Hut because it was familiar. I couldn’t really understand the menu, but I tried to order a stuffed crust pizza. Instead of being stuffed with cheese, it was stuffed with a hot dog. Totally unexpected and DISGUSTING. That was nine years ago. I guess with all the Polish immigration to the UK, it makes sense that a hot dog stuffed pizza would eventually make its way there. I suppose in a way, it’s not too far off from being a sausage.

  59. Kats Klein says:

    Funny stuff! Great drawings, great writing.

  60. Thomas Wayne says:

    I agree — the health food “craze” is probably a good thing overall, but not at the expense of dare foods. Even most doctors say you need to occasionally splurge and eat whatever you want — just in moderation and not very often. Some even say you can do that once a week, which is easier to accept than the idea of eating completely healthy every meal (which would drive me crazy).

    BTW, I had to add this statement of yours to my quotes collection because it’s awesome:

    “In the past I have habitually inserted nuggets and fries into my hamburgers because I live in America and that’s something we do.”

    It’s also ironic, because my last post was about 8-pound burgers in America.

    And to respond to your title of when too far isn’t enough, have you seen any of the Epic Meal Time videos? That’s taking fattening food to the next level… with style! Here’s a link to their video about a Thanksgiving meal that I consider the most fattening meal ever. Watch if you dare… :)

    • Posky says:

      I watched and, while pretty extreme, the worst part of it was looking into the hosts face. That man clearly has no soul.

      …The things he’s done to food… the things he has done to himself….

  61. chellesh0ck says:

    Great post!!! In my home country New Zealand, they deep fry battered Mars bars…. its pretty heavenly but only for 1 or 2 bites! My old flatmate Dave had a friend who owned a fish and chip shop. He used to let Dave mess around and make his own stuff, where he came up with “Heavy D’s Hunger-Bustin Heart Attack Inducer” which was a burger containing 2 meat patties, 2 chicken patties, mayo, BBQ sauce and about 500g of cheese, and then battered and deep fried. Funnily enough, Dave only weighed about 80kg … hardly at risk of a heart attack, haha.
    Congratulations on being Freshly Pressed!

    • Posky says:

      I’ve seen those before and honestly always wanted to try one.

      Your friend Dave sounds like he’s just making food to hurt other people, which I can respect.

  62. jjotter says:

    Hahaha! What a hilarious posting! Love the comics too. The hotdog stuffed crust is truly gross, but I might see a benefit to it if say, my kids can’t make a unanimous decision on dinner. Haha! Gross!

  63. wejick says:

    some religions have some rule for good food ex: ISLAM, jews have it.

  64. rachelmeeks says:

    First, let me say that this was a HILARIOUS read and you are an extremely talented writer. However, my heart is saddened that you did not even mention the dorrito taco. :(

    I’m going to drown my sorrow in oreo pizza, which sort of redeemed you as I hadn’t heard of it up till now. Seems like the kind of thing one should sell by the slice, as no one wants an entire oreo pizza. But I bet it’s sold that way anyway.

    Anyway, you want to see some real DARE food, come on down to Texas. We do it best. I once ate a fried pizza with separately fried bacon on top, with fried dr. pepper to “drink,” fried oreos on fried ice cream, with fried after dinner bubble gum. All in all, it was a fleetingly awesome and lastingly awful experience.

    • Posky says:

      Chips are meant to go into sandwiches and burgers but I wasn’t sold on it actually becoming a sanctified part of a taco.

      I used to visit the south regularly and, for the most part, they really have mastered the taste great but bad for you foods– especially when it comes to meat and frying anything. Texas always has a special place in my heart though because it’s the birthplace of the greatest pop (or as they keep telling me in NYC, soda) ever: Dr. Pepper.

      Thanks for the kind words.

    • Cobb says:

      Did you eat that for real??
      How did you heart NOT just stop beating? :D

  65. yablogtherapy says:

    What about the possible awesomeness of a burger with pizza-like buns? Great post!

  66. Hillarious, i was picturing the burger with a sausage sticking out of it untill i completed reading. Great post.

  67. Tech-2 says:

    hmmmm…yummy

  68. Being Julz says:

    Wonderful post! We have a an older burger joint here in town that’s been selling a 1/2 pound cheeseburger topped with ham and 2 hotdogs split lengthwise, plus special sauce, lettuce, tomato, etc for at least 25 years. Used to be though that they didn’t sell them as often. They are tasty on very rare occasion when you aren’t going to eat anything else that day… :-)

  69. Hahaha ur post was so funny! I actually live in an apex of soul food restaurants and you wouldn’t believe that kind of stuff people cram into their mouths. I sometimes envy them though as I monotonously nibble on my carrot stick… :D

  70. Pingback: Funny funny excerpt « kyotzeta

  71. fromthericefields says:

    Wow food inventions have gone too far!

  72. dreamz infra says:

    A hamburger .. yummy like it very much….

  73. Cobb says:

    LOVE you post, laughed so hard I was shaking! :D
    And I feel that this definately is the forum to drop this bombshell in:
    In a small town close to mine here in the north of Sweden there is a pizza place that sells a pizza called “Calzkrove”, but before I tell you about this monster some explanation is needed.
    Most everyone knows what a “Calzone” is right? It might be a different pizza elsewhere, but here it means a closed pizza with tomato sauce, cheese, ham and mushrooms. So far so good – but it gets worse…
    At almost any mom-and-pop burger joint here you can order a “Skrovmål”, which really isn’t that bad, it’s usually a large burger and fries. Nothing weird, nothing excessive.
    At some point the insane people at this pizza place decided they would combine the two, and created the “Calzkrove”, which is a regular Calzone pizza, with tomato sauce, cheese, ham and mushrooms – but before closing it up and shoving it in the oven to bake it they also add a large hamburger (yes, bun, salad, dressing and all!) and then spread an order of fries on top of everything!
    They close it up, bake it and then serve it – proudly!
    Thankfully this is an anomaly in Sweden….so far.
    //Micke – Umeå, Sweden

    • Posky says:

      I bet that smells really bad when they are cooking in but tastes pretty good to eat.

      It’s also nice to know that gross out foods is something a lot of cultures share.

  74. abichica says:

    Is it only me or does that hamburger with hotdog in the middle look bad.. xrated?? lol.. anyway great post, i really enjoyed it!! :-D

  75. Claudia says:

    Haha, hilarious post! Extreme/”dare” foods are fascinating…it’s always interesting to see what people are able to come up with and, like in the case of the double down and the hotdog-stuffed pizza crust, how they’re able to market it to a large audience.

    Love your drawing of the hotdog sticking out of the hamburger, also.

  76. I could not stop laughing though your post and the comments! You’ve nailed America’s obsession with dare foods. I’m surprised that no one’s mentioned Denny’s cheese melt sandwich – the one with fried mozzarella sticks stuck in the middle of a grilled cheese sandwich – or the practice of dipping chicken nuggets and fries in a Wendy’s Frosty. I haven’t tried the chicken nuggets, but fries in a frosty is actually really good! By the way, your hot dog in the hamburger somehow reminded me of the Wienie Burger on Doug, though I’m not sure why. (I swore to myself as a teenager that one day I’d make a hamburger patty out of hotdogs just to try it and still haven’t.) And Dr. Pepper? Nectar of the gods! I am proudly addicted to the stuff.

    • Posky says:

      I’ll back you up on the Dr. Pepper but not the cheese sandwich. I tried one once and felt legitimately sick afterward.

      As for the private agony the people that dip chicken nuggets into their frozen beverages face, that is on them.

  77. Hilarious, and all of it is just too darn close to the truth. I think we just need to start putting together teams of drunk people and five-year-olds to be in charge of menu creation in American chain restaurants. Just think of the possibilities…..

  78. Kerry Dwyer says:

    OK now I’m hungry and it’s an hour and 15 to my lunch break. I am tied to my PC and telephone with a rumbling stomach and it’s your fault. No it’s not mine for reading blogs when I should be working- that is beside the point.
    I want hot dog stuffed burger fried chicken pizza with extra fries and I want it now.

  79. benishrao says:

    hahahaha really delicious post……………:)

  80. PaponMasud says:

    I’m going to drown my sorrow in oreo pizza it is dream.

  81. calmyourbeans says:

    Reblogged this on calmyourbeans.

  82. samchin says:

    Fantastic post!

  83. Blogging Toddler says:

    Great Post, loved it!

  84. Forget hot dogs baked into the pizza crust. How about slices of bacon, baked into the crust? That’s the rub!!! :)

  85. cjay1986 says:

    Have you tryed the battered Mars bar & Snickers yet, or is this a UK thing?!

  86. Pingback: “The Apex of Cuisine” | the anti-foodie blog

  87. For years I prayed to the goddess of fast food for this hot dog stuffed pizza…then we get it here…right here on this little island. Now we just have to stuff the hotdog with something(?) before stuffing the pizza with the hot dog. It’s the only way forward.

  88. Such a great post! Well, I don’t know where the limits are any more. Surely, that pizza is for people who do not normally eat but once a day? :S

  89. Yinzerella says:

    All I can think of is this: http://www.nbc.com/assets/video/widget/widget.html?vid=229053
    Pizza? That’s what I call a taco! TACO TOWN!

  90. AiXeLsyD13 says:

    I see this as another step in Pizza Hut’s quest to blow out my insides.

    I remember begging my mom for the cheese-stuffed hot dogs when I was a kid. I didn’t like hot dogs much, and the cheese was almost non existent and terrible, but I needed them. Insanity is apparently a great marketing tool.

    I have had burgers with hot dogs on top. Doesn’t Steak ‘n Shake make those?

    What about Burger King’s test-market bacon sundae?

  91. FoodieMel says:

    Love this post….what will Americans come up with next?? Great writing….

  92. asoulwalker says:

    I still can’t believe you got pressed for this and not the Cat Diaries… not that I don’t appreciate the beauty of a hot dog inside of a hamburger that looks like a… anyways, congrats.

  93. As a Brit, I believe this is being test driven here because the American threshold for Bad Idea Foods can no longer be considered reliable. Indeed, rock bottom was reached six years ago:

    http://www.whatupwilly.com/2006/01/in-n-out-100×100.html

    When nothing shocks anybody, there’s no way to gauge whether something is pushing the envelope a bit too far…. best launch it in a market where people might still throw up in their mouths a little bit when they see the poster.

  94. I always believed the Italians invented the Pizza? Learn something new every day I guess?
    As for the hotdog stuffed Pizza, you are really not missing anything. Pizza Hut don’t make the best pizzas in the UK as it is, and stuffing a hot dog in the crust doesn’t make them any better to be honest!
    Great post, very enjoyable to read and certainly put a smile on my face!

  95. beyondanomie says:

    Pizza Hut seems to taste worse every year. I mean, none of the chains are exactly brilliant, but I definitely remember Pizza Hut tasting better years ago. Papa Johns is the only chain pizza I eat these days; it’s OK (their dough is fairly good anyway).

    Having said, I love the consumerist concept of “extreme food”: shows like Man vs Food and Diners, Drive-ins & Dives are frequently brilliantly funny precisely because of the fetishisation of sheer excess. It appeals to me in the same way a few days in Vegas might; the unashamed, hubristic debauchery of it all is wonderful to behold. I guess the same applies to a pizza stuffed with hot dog! :)

    I don’t think enjoying this kind of thing (occasionally) precludes a wider/deeper appreciation of food: I certainly enjoy eating genuinely high quality food and fine wine too. As long as it’s all kept in balance, a few insane foods are fun.

  96. Venture to New Brunswick, NJ; home of the Fat Sandwich (and Rutgers University). Some insane and evil genius, and I stress that he/she was a genius got the bright idea to shove a bunch of french fries and a couple of beef patties onto a torpedo to serve the entire fast food experience in one sandwich from a food truck to unsuspecting college students. But they didn’t stop there. Nestled approximately equidistant between Philadelphia and New York City; the food trucks expanded their consumer base with cheesesteak and hotdog based sandwiches. Eventually even this wasn’t enough and the creators of these monstrosities just started throwing everything they could think of into the sandwiches; mozzerella sticks, chicken fingers, sausages, fried shrimp, more hamburgers, more hot dogs, more french fries. And the worst part is…the sandwiches remain delicious.

  97. I can’t help thinking that somewhere along the way the notion of food as a restorative, health-giving source of nourishment has got lost along the way when i see what soem of my friends eat. They just eat junk!! I agree that decadently unhealthy but delicious foods which are King in America ought to be eaten once in a blue moon as a dare food, rather than every day!! We all need a treat from time to time. : )

  98. jemilp says:

    enjoyed this! :)

  99. Reblogged this on digitalpittsburgh and commented:
    Let’s not forget the Doritos Locos Tacos from Taco Bell.

  100. Haha :D
    These are probably going insane fun if you haven’t read them before. http://thefunnyishere.wordpress.com/

  101. Hahaha It is really funny. ”The next big thing in the food” congrats :)

    Norwegian

  102. dhall8221 says:

    A couple years back, at the Big E (a big fair of sorts here in Western Massachusetts) had a bacon burger where the bun was replaced by two halves of a glazed doughnut…they called it the “Crazy-E Burger”. My friend claimed it was delicious, the proceeded to add a chocolate chip cookie to it.

  103. James says:

    The hotdog and hamburger combination is one I remember from my childhood. I’d never even thought to combine the two despite them being partners on the grill whenever we would cook out. The first time I saw or heard of it was on The Cosby Show when Cliff introduced me to THE BURGER-DOG! Whenever we grill out, to this day, I still create a variation of THE BURGER-DOG! (I type it that way because that’s how Cosby would say it in the episode. Toppings can include but are not limited to: chili, cheese, bacon, small woodland creatures – you name it.

  104. liv4music says:

    First off, you would need a pretty stiff wiener to successfully jam it through a burger ;) Either that, or you would have to remove a core sample, which could be accomplished with a fruit corer. Concerning bread, if you have never experienced a pivotal moment in your life due to the consumption of bread, 1) I feel sorry for you 2) you just have to keep looking…the right bread is out there, waiting for you 3) you have not had my focaccia, fresh from the oven.

    Yeah, I would say you never got bitten by the food bug. To hope for the continuation of food concepts like hot dog-stuffed pizza and fried soft drinks, and to scoff at perfectly prepared, basic foods, like eggs and bread, it is not your fault, but it is confirmed that food just ain’t that big a deal to you.

  105. d_vaz says:

    I love this post. I remember when I had the double down and people judged me ad I was like what, it’s a one time thing, the fact that it exists means I have to try it. I never really liked stuffed crust pizza. But a hot dog in the crust sounds so enticing… I am now also angry that they only have it in the UK.

  106. J.R.Barker says:

    I’m sorry, hot dogs and cheese in a pizza? since when did hotdogs go with pizza? Two perfectly nice and perfectly unhealthy foods should not be brought together in this manner, I fear there might be some sort of nasty grease explosion.
    *turns green*

    • Posky says:

      I see hotdog topped pizza pretty regularly in New York but can’t seem to find any in the crust out here.

      • J.R.Barker says:

        You sure it’s not pepperoni? Besides you could always buy a hotdog and shove it in your own cheesy crust.
        There is no way I could make that not sound completely wrong, so sorry about that.

  107. spdk1 says:

    whenever I hear about stuff like this, I immediately think of an SNL commercial called “Taco Town” where the trend started with the “double decker taco” is expanded to a ridiculous extreme.

  108. Angie Z. says:

    I suddenly have an urge to turn the lights down, put on some Barry White and get it on with the chocolate chip/red wine/potato chip food combo I usually only save for special nights.

    Great writing!

  109. OMG! We know what comes next…

  110. Ugh completely agree with you in so many ways. As a college student and athlete food is such an issue. Walking past the cafeteria display of all those unhealthy but delicious foods shouldn’t tempt me but somethings are just too good and bad to pass up.

  111. djtj57 says:

    hamburger and hot dog doesn’t really go tohether in my opinion and you would look dumb eating it

  112. Hannah Klomp says:

    Hahah I love this post and the way you write!! Very humourous but strong at the same time!

  113. Cherszy says:

    Thank you for providing me the entertainment that I needed to cheer myself up after all the discomfort my colds has given me today. This was really an enjoyable read, especially since it’s about one of my fave things in the world: food (healthy and/or not, but mostly not).

    I love food – I mean, who doesn’t love food anyway? And when you talked about all those great food combos (not buying the whole hotdog through a burger idea though – might be the end of my heartbeat when I take one of those), I wanted to scream in delight, especially when you mentioned the Domino’s pizza made entirely out of Oreo cookies and vanilla ice cream. Never, never make me that excited ever again – that’s a warning. I might tear this house down in utter excitement, and I’ll blame you.

    Anyway, great post! Loved every word of it! Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to think about how Oreos and Oreo cheesecakes shaped my life after all these years. Then, I’m going to rummage through our refrigerator to see if I can get some Oreos to accompany me while I watch TV. Then, I’m going to think about how I can take Oreos to the next level. Maybe, I’ll make an Oreo burger.

  114. RNTomlinson says:

    Congratulations on a hilarious post! Coming from The United Kingdom, not even I knew of the hotdog stuffed crust.

    Thank you for showing me the light!!

  115. mdprincing says:

    I came to many of your conclusions years back when in a hung over stupor I ate a bagel stuffed with a sausage(bageldog) from the corner gas station, I though I was in heaven and ate them for weaks on end, now my wife tells me thats not healthy, whatever.

    Spot on with the Food Network, food porn for hungry people, have you noticed that a requirement to have you own show on FN is the ability to constantly talk with your mouth stuffed with food. I have spent the last 12 years trying to teach my child not to do this and they glorify it on tv.

  116. mzsura says:

    Hahaha this post was awesome!!

  117. lifeinthe805 says:

    What an awesome post! And hot dog stuffed pizza! No way! Your one funny man, Matt Posky.

  118. Great post, and congratulations on your “fresh-pressed” accomplishment! That isn’t likely to happen for me, as I post video guitar licks/solos and songs with tablature. Once again, congrats!

  119. This is hysterical! It makes me think of the Taco Bell menu, where an almost infinite number of menu items can be composed from cheese, “meat,” beans, hard taco shells, and soft flour tortillas. Like that new taco with a hard shell made from Doritos? Or the Double-Decker taco that is a hard corn taco wrapped in a bean-smeared flour tortilla? Replace those beans with cheese and you have their Gordita. Wrap a tostada in a flour tortilla and you have a Crunch-Melt Supreme.

  120. Nichol Caddingham says:

    Reblogged this on Modern Gentleman and commented:
    Pizza Hut, what will you think of next?

    • lysalice says:

      LOVE your post! It was hilarious and so true at the same time! (I am European and gained 20 kg so I guess it’s around 40 pounds when I was an exchange student in the us..) But just one thing though: pizzas are ITALIAN! And believe me, domino’s and pizza hut’s pizza have nothing to do with the real ones… And I think hot dogs are German… :/ but it’s ok, I can imagine why you’d think they are American ;)

  121. You have never had B-Bops. Come to Des Moines. You’ll love it.

  122. lauriejlong says:

    Posky, Posky, Posky… Look who got Freshly Pressed! Congratulations!

  123. “Dare-food”–what a brilliant concept! It’s only a matter of time before the NRA teams up with one of the major fast food chains and makes some kind of edible bullets for people to shoot themselves in the mouth with. What do you suppose they’ll be made of?

  124. pizza is italian :)
    here in austria we have a cheese stuffed sausage that you put in a hotdog bun… or not :)

    having lived 15 minutes from the italian border most my life, i know good pizza… that doesnt change the fact that whenever i’m abroad, i run to the first pizza hut i see :)
    Stuffed crust? genius! Sausage stuffed crust? they have that in egypt too! and not only as a full crust, no, the crust (and sausage inside) comes with small indents, so you can tear the pieces out individually, and dunk them in the supplied marinara sauce :)

    oh and i love corn dogs too- another great american invention!

    greets from austria

  125. Posky, were you Freshly Pressed AGAIN?! Wow…you’re a machine.

    Also, I’m down for some hot-dog-stuffed-pizza-crust…how can you go wrong with that?

  126. Arde Sapere says:

    Perfect. I sincerely hope that Splendid Table woman avoids talking about bananas…all manner of incorrect *shudder*

  127. Lurker since I first signed up, first time (I think) commenter, and I must say I absolutely love your work.

    I’ll admit it: I’m one of those people who gets fired up about food, the latest in aromatic spices, herbs, and ways to put things together to achieve a culinary nirvana.

    So I did a bit of a double take (okay, so I fell on my rear end, I wasn’t sitting down) when you mentioned the “hot-dog stuffed crust pizza.” My first thought was “WHAAAAAT.” The next was “Blasphemy! Shenanigans, even!” (What? That’s two thoughts?) The combination is just…as someone who has eaten some seriously strange combinations, I can’t even think of how that would even begin to go together. I know it’s a “dare” food, but I wouldn’t “dare” to shove that down my throat…

    …yeah, that sounded less wrong in my head. Anyway, as I was saying, though food is the most basic unit of sustenance, I think that there is absolutely no reason we can’t enhance our enjoyment of it—within reasonable limits.

    Hotdog-stuffed pizza…is not reasonable limits, even for a dare food. o.O

    • Posky says:

      I think it sounded just right in your head.

      I’m glad you like my work and also glad you commented. I suggest sharing more of my blog with others and more of your thoughts with me whenever you get the chance.

  128. random8042 says:

    “The next big thing in food”:
    That’s what she said.
    And pizza is ITALIAN.
    How can you not know that?
    How is it possible?!

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