This is the third installment of a diary within a used book I purchased from a clearance event for “junk books.” For the beginning of this fantastic story, please read, the first installment of The Greatest Used Book in History: The Cat Lover’s Diary. If you’re already familiar with the book and just missed last month, catch yourself up with what happened over February.
There is more diary to come but, if you need more cat related material examine my post, called Believe in Something Ridiculous, indicting Burt Reynolds in a film that I only imagined. I also have a comic about how I slowly descended into madness with a cat named after a sharp tasting cheese in Ears, Clouds, Magic and Sleep Deprivation.
A classic used book, Posky :-D
Get bread for NEXT WEEK? Hope she’s not buying at the day old store.
This is so fun Posky! She’s sure running into some real princes – “rawed-up drumsticks” and butts in front. OMG girl, run away, don’t walk, run!
I don’t even have a favorite part but this is probably in the running for the number one spot: … global warming. I CAN’T WAIT!” Oh. My.
Can’t wait to see more!
I’m pretty sure she plans out her sandwiches a week in advance.
Yeah, I guess she sort of missed the boat on calling global warming.
I love her picture of the cat trap with the ham inside.
It’s almost eerily photo realistic, isn’t it?
Oh god, that’s worse than my junior high diary. Or maybe not.
I would love to read your junior high diary then.
Please consider posting it.
This is, I think, the new “best thing I’ve ever read.” I’m slow sometimes, but: If this is real, you are beyond lucky to find it. If you totally made it up, you need to be making money at this. A guy wanting to rub lotion on her “rawed-up drumsticks” is several beers short of a case, and her secretly wanting him to?–they need to get married.
Maybe they did. I’m glad you’re enjoying it. Tell your friends.
You truly are a genius–very funny!
When I got to the part about trapping and keeping someone else’s cat, I freaked out. What kind of cat-pee-loving psycho would steal someone else’s pet?
Then I got to the part about the leg sore, and hitting her co-worker’s car, and I started to think this was faked by someone with impeccable handwriting and an awesome sense of humor.
Then I got to the part about “Alice’s Chains,” and I really hoped this was faked because I would’ve done anything to see Alice In Chains back in the day. (But were they using that name and touring extensively in ’88?)
THEN I got to the part about global warming, and I was willing to bet money this is faked. But as a Jean Teasdale fan, I dig it. Bravo. Can’t wait for more.
Who is Jean Teasdale and how much money are you talking about?
Who is Jean Teasdale?!? Oh, you have been missing out!
Right now, I’m only putting about $5 on the table because I haven’t verified the dates of all the pop culture references (“Magnum P.I.,” “Wonder Years,” etc.). And because I suspect that there would be cat pee all over the book if the author really endured all her written exploits. But if you can somehow prove or disprove it, there might be another $5 in it. That buys a lot of control top pantyhose.
Alice in Chains started in 1987, so this is entirely plausible.
Your dairy is hilar.
Some great 80s references.. where did all those water beds go?
Seriously, Posky, this would be fab as a day-in-the-life monologue, I keep envisioning Edith Ann, bravo!
Is that a Lily Tomlin reference? I always loved her, even as a child. I was crushed when I found out that she was a few decades my senior and also a lesbian.
I don’t think waterbeds were made to last- like most hedonistic pursuits.
This is BRILLIANT!!
Those goggles are brilliant.
“I’m going to try to set a trap for him tomorrow using ham”….my favourite line in this post. Not sure why.
Once again, thank you for posting this. Posky, you’re my favourite… ;)
You’re not the first person to say that about the ham.
I’m your favorite? I’m excited to take some liberties with my new title. Let me know what’s up for grabs.
Again, I cannot explain why it’s my favourite line; it just is. And, yes, you are my favourite. lol.
Feel free to take as many liberties with your new title as you want to…as long as it includes a mention of a ham trap.
Wait- this is really the way the book was when you found it? If you wrote this yourself you need to publish it as a parody!
A lot of people have been saying that.
peace in the middle east by ’94, haha!
man, i wonder how many cats this lady has, now…
I used to be a pretty serious Simpson fan but I didn’t really watch seasons 12-20. According to that wiki article, she’s be majorly hashed out as a character.
The cat trap cracked me up. And I felt her pain on the control top pantyhose. Hate that stuff.
A little freaked out to that I have the same thing scheduled for March 20th. Outstanding post, funny as hell.
Good luck at your appointment.
I can’t decide if I want this to be true or made up. Thanks for being my tax clown today.
It’s funny either way, but you have to decide what sort of monster you want to be for laughing at it.
OMG this is totally a PNW person. Hahahhaa, I might know her. I read the comments first, so it ruined most of the surprise, or maybe it made me anticipate it more. No matter how you slice it, this is truly funny stuff.
Next time, definitely read the blog first.
I don’t know if you found this diary (luck) or created it (genius). In any case, I’m being extra careful when I donate cartons of used books in the future. Some of my old journals are almost as pathetic as this one. ;-)
I don’t think that there is a lot of difference between luck and genius.
Some of your old journals are like this? Would you like to go out sometime? I just sort of want to study you and see if it becomes love.
This is hilarious, and random and great.
I AM BASICALLY SCREAM-LAUGHING.
this is the best feature on a blog ever. find the crazy cat lady and make her guest blog! she must be in her 50s or 60s, right? she was thirty something? can you imagine how bat-shit insane she is NOW?!
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Allison Chains? That is hilarious! This diary continues to captivate me.
I am SO glad that you “liked” one of my posts, because this is seriously, the most I have laughed in ages.