The Greatest Used Book in History Continued: April 1988

This is the fourth installment of the diary within a used book I purchased from a clearance event for “junk books” in a nearly abandoned library.  For the beginning of this fantastic story, please read, the first installment of The Greatest Used Book in History: The Cat Lover’s Diary.  If you’re already familiar with the book and just missed one of her previous entries, catch yourself up with her adventures during February or March of 1988.

Please share this monstrosity with your friends, neighbors and anyone who might need a reality check.  As always, there will be more cat diary scanned in after some more of my comics and beautifully profound hobo-ramblings.  However, if you are the impatient sort, I encourage you to wade through the backlogged content.  I am coming up on my 50th post, so there is plenty of to choose from.

About You Monsters Are People

Wisdom, wonderment and weird for everyone.
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52 Responses to The Greatest Used Book in History Continued: April 1988

  1. Cindy says:

    What is ‘TP for guests’? Toilet paper?
    Eeek at the toenail.
    The mom doesn’t sound very nice, hey?

  2. ian says:

    it takes a three day process to make egg salad sandwiches?!? Dukakis, $1.09/gal, April 10th, electric cars by 2000 (or 70mpg by mid-90’s), tab causes cancer but diet coke is all good, increasingly painfully awkward social interaction and cat abduction and conception… this woman is adorable and heartbreaking in the most patronizing way possible.

  3. The Single Girl says:

    The toenail story – eeeeeeeeeeeewwwwwwwwwwwww.

  4. katarzynawid says:

    It’s quite cruel to call this a monstrosity. She certainly didn’t write it to be aired online, in front of strangers…

    • Posky says:

      You’re right…. she didn’t.

      • Spectra says:

        But I’m glad she did write it and even gladder you did air it online in front of strangers…if this diary was so sacred she might have taken greater pains to protect it from strangers…unless she met with an untimely death…like from superglue poisoning through her nailess toe-bed.

  5. littleelle says:

    “she sneezed right into my dates face and ate a bunch of my shrimp”

    GASP! that bitch!

    thanks for making my shitty day way, way awesome.

  6. She thought she could fool her co-worker into believing she left her lunch in the washroom stall. I don’t know which is worse: not washing your hands after using the bathroom or not using the bathroom but eating your lunch in the stall.

    In all honesty, she probably did both…at the same time.

    Thanks for another brilliant post, Posky. :)

  7. Nothing like a good sand-witch. And the TP is “for the guests.” This diary continues to amaze me. And she’s right; it is weird trying to better yourself!

  8. lunargirl says:

    suddenly I feel better about my awkward “growing up” years!

    You always make me smile. :-)

  9. Oh em gee. Fantastic, as always. Of particular note to me:

    –My mom always said the same thing about Tab.

    –As Mexican girls growing up near the border, my friends and I absolutely lost our minds when Lou Diamond Phillips said, “What’s calCUlas?” during “Stand and Deliver.” It still makes me laugh to this day. My Irish/German husband, who grew up near Chicago, doesn’t find it quite as funny. He’s missing out.

    –Years ago, I worked in a big publishing house in Boston. Someone kept getting her yogurt stolen out of the company fridge, and complained about it on the company’s internal message board (oh, late 90s technology). Someone suggested — as a joke — that she label it either “poison” or “science experiment.” After that, I always saw at least one yogurt with a note taped onto it reading “POISON!” and a skull and crossbones.

    You rock, as usual. Can’t wait to see what May brings to this poor woman.

    • Posky says:

      Really? It seems strange that Tab was a well known faux carcinogen.

      Lou Diamond Phillips is a fox and your husband should have laughed. Divorce him and come live with me.

      Unfortunately for her, I don’t think you’ll be disappointed.

  10. libraryscene says:

    …oml…’baby zone’ & “bff” sidebar stuff is classic! I think I was more disturbed by the cats licking up the ant mess in the kitchen than the toe-nail fiasco.

  11. this is so funny. your timing is great too, how u r unveiling these excellent words over months w dead pan pace and humor.

  12. poetrypants says:

    Dukakis. Awesome.

    Thanks man, your shit is pretty stellar too.
    Time machines. Fucking, time machines…I can’t stop writing about them.

    • Posky says:

      Never stop writing about them. I send a letter to my congress person weekly about how there is a serious lack of time travel in today’s, tomorrow’s and yesterday’s society.

    • Spectra says:

      Read online today movies about time machines have just been outlawed in China. Sorry, Dude.

  13. Matt, at some point you might have to stop giving this stuff away for free. This one was particularly good. I have to keep this comment short because it’s time to go “see Stand & Deliver in theaters”.

    • Posky says:

      Can you imagine what that must have been like? When I was eight, I saw a space shuttle launch and even felt the shockwaves from the ignition but I would trade it all to see Stand and Deliver in the theaters in the eighties.

      I’m all about charging people for access to the book but need help with the plan to accomplish that. Thoughts?

      • Thoughts? Well, nothing awesome is coming to mind. My friend who does the Crimes Against Hugh’s Manatees comic mentioned something about a comics site that offers independently produced works (sold by the artists) in PDF format but as usual I was distracted by a shiny object and did not write the name of it down. Money ruins everything but hey, you might think about it.

        What I was driving at is that this cat book reminds me of some of my favorite stuff from super old issues of National
        Lampoon. That golden era of satirical humor. The good stuff.

  14. sgiansante says:

    Needless to say, you got my attention. I’ve spent the last 30 minutes clicking from post to post. This book is hilarious. Sure, I was 8 years old in ’88 but, I have a vague recollection of most of the cultural references. Subscribed and now following on Twitter. Don’t worry. Not a stalker. :)

  15. littlecurio says:

    “Dull As A Spoon”, my new favourite phrase and title of my new poem, “Dull As A Spoon”. :)

  16. It sorta reminds me of watching the Jetsons as a kid and thinking we’d be beaming ourselves all over the place. The saga of Pouncer and the toenail – OMG!

  17. Allison says:

    That toenail story is going to haunt my dreams/life for WEEKS. I feel like a little vomit might have come up. I was just BORN in ’88, and clearly, I was missing out on some serious gems, like this. Your humor is brilliant – seriously, I cannot say enough positive things about your blog and how funny they are! Those gas prices though?! The fact that premium gas is now $3.87 here is making me just long for the eighties when gas was close to only $1!
    I also appreciate your comments on mine very much. I totally agree with you about buying organic – it’s VERY shady the way that things are done in regards to food, and how you can just blindly purchase something thinking it’s good for you, when it’s just a step above the norm.

  18. eva626 says:

    only if i had a cat!!! i would love to keep that kind of diary! very nice post !

  19. the best part is that it is hand written. I have hand written diaries and notes. That adds so much of a personal touch to the whole story

  20. the master says:

    This is starting to read more and more like the origin story of a serial killer who uses trained cats to dispatch her victims. The worrying thing is she could conceivably get away with that.

  21. Sun says:

    You keep me laughing!

  22. thalia m. says:

    Can’t wait for next month!!!!

  23. I really love this. Thank you so much for posting them!

    p.s. They look great on iPad! ^-^

    • Posky says:

      Wow, way to plug the iPad. I have an iMac but you don’t hear me talking about how cool it is in order to get free stuff from Apple.

      I have REALLY enjoyed it though. Outside of my motorcycle, it’s probably the most valuable thing I own (and that includes my car). It’s great and I love using Adobe’s creative software on it. It’s a great pairing and both companies make fine products. I could highly recommend both but I feel I would need to get a bunch of their products for free to really ensure I was being honest with my readers…

  24. It seems as though our cat diarist knew she would have an audience one day. I mean, who would write “sex change operation” as an April Fool’s day joke – to themselves? And you know what? She almost got me, too!

  25. seaofcarnage says:

    My exboyfriend keeps journals. He told me once he was considering publishing them. His are very very very boring compared to this. I would love to confiscate his and give it to you, but even on his best day he is dull compared to her life. Remind me to never ever ever put anything handwritten into a thrift store box! EVER!

  26. dpbowman says:

    This reminds me it is high time I get my neckerchiefs drycleaned. Also it confuses me, how is it she mispells “Sandwitches” in her planner, but get it right in the diary? (Did she better herself after Stand and Deliver? – Who didn’t?)
    Lovin it! Keep it coming and may this genre [Odd-Find Non-Fiction?] grow into a new section of the library!

  27. thirtysixyearsandcounting says:

    “Someone put up fliers for a missing cat and I tore them down.” OMG how bad is that. I wonder what her diagnosis is? This diary should be analyzed by a Psychiatrist. You kind of feel bad for her in some of the posts, but then she stole someone else’s pet for god’s sake.

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