The other day I was eating a money-themed candy bar and thought to myself, “I’m not going to have enough cash to buy people Christmas gifts again.”
I usually try to convince myself that the holidays are all about spending time with the people you love and practicing goodwill toward humanity. It isn’t hard to lie to yourself about brotherhood and togetherness when everyone is singing and coming together around fireplaces and eating fresh cookies. But the fact of the matter is that Jesus wants you to buy people things and God wants you to spend money: that’s why they sent Santa Claus down to Earth and invented holiday commercials in the first place. Your family needs video games, cell phones, lingerie, and food processors or else they won’t understand that you actually love them. We wouldn’t be beating each other senseless with Elmo dolls or having stampede-related deaths on Black Friday if these weren’t supposed to be the things that really matter to us.
I decided I had to do something about it this Christmas. That’s why I’m proud to announce my partnership with every single store in America and the You Monsters Are People Billion Dollar Bill™. This year you do not have to stress over making sure you have enough money to get your brother-in-law the golf clubs he wanted or the diamond, likely used to help fund child soldiers from Sierra Leone, that your wife has been moaning for! Simply print out a couple of You Monsters Are People Billion Dollar Bills™ and take them to participating stores. I have been contacting every major shopping venue in the nation for the last two days to ensure total acceptance in this project, but there may be a store near you that I have forgotten. If that is the case, please copy and paste the following into an email (or letter) and send it to your desired store on my behalf:
As you know, the holiday season is a very busy time for consumers and businesses alike. But many consumers do not have the purchasing power they once did. As the average family income continues to slide and the middle class loses its place in society, you need new incentives to get people into your stores. It just so happens that I have a solution for both parties.
I have created a billion dollar holiday note for use between November 28th (Black Friday) and December 25th (Christmas). As this is not officially legal tender, you are not technically obligated to give back any change after a purchase. Converting the remaining balance into a gift card will suffice. I believe this will ensure return customers to your business, as they will have millions in store credit, and give the economy a much needed boost.
You do not need to respond to me, I’ll assume your silence is an endorsement of this idea and an assurance that you will be accepting these bills at your stores across the nation in the coming weeks.
Peace on Earth & Goodwill to Men,
This year you can buy your teenager that new car they’ve been begging for, tie a massive bow to the roof, and discreetly park it in your driveway so that you can surprise them first thing in the morning and get that hug you’ve had to go without for the last three years! Momentarily overcome by joy, they might even accidentally say that they love you and you can bask in fatherhood without fear or shame for an entire day of your life. Shower your loved ones with the expensive baubles you’ve always wanted to and rest easy for once. So don’t forget to print out your own You Monsters Are People Billion Dollar Bill™ for use at participating stores and share this with your friends and family members to ensure a happy holiday season for everyone!
I am also proud to announce the arrival of You Monsters Are People themed buttons and stickers* in my online store! These are available online for purchase as of right now and make great little stocking stuffers for fans and supporters. All buttons and stickers are crafted in the United States out of 100% GENUINE MATERIAL and endorsed as OFFICIAL You Monsters Are People paraphernalia. The small buttons are a choking hazard for tiny children and perfect for throwing and hitting someone in the eye. Stickers adhere perfectly to a stranger’s car or to the cover of any notebook filled with unsettling thoughts.