I’ve been sporting an upper respiratory infection as of late, so anything that doesn’t involve coughing up internal organs hasn’t been high on my list of priorities. Every time I gave writing a shot the flu medicine influenced me to write something completely insane before lethargy and confusion took over. Here is an excerpt of my writing filtered through a medicine and phlegm induced haze:
“I would really like to see someone give birth in space. Like into an airlock or something so they could clean the baby off, pull it inside and then blow all of the unwanted stuff out into space. It would be a lot easier than having babies on a bed or in a pile of clothes.”
In the last few months, I have been spending a lot more time with infants and I have realized a few things. Spending any substantial amount of time with a baby requires a person to make a few slight adjustments to their normal behavior. The one that is probably the most difficult is the willingness to change a diaper. No matter how much you love any child, you will never ever love its excrement. Nobody wants to change a diaper because they know very well what is going to be in there waiting for them. I have given this a lot of thought and, if this were my world to make, I would change it up so you wouldn’t always know what you were getting. A lot of the time it would still be poop but, every so often, you’d find little treasures like a gold coin or a note from the baby thanking you. How sweet would it be to find a plastic dinosaur, half a sandwich or an autographed photo of Mark Twain in the diaper instead of just business as usual? I am suggesting that it would be very sweet indeed, my friend.
Note: Real babies cannot talk. That would be ridiculous.
I am unsure who I would go to in order to turn this concept into a tangible thing but it would be well worth their time. Imagine it for a moment. Instead of people trying to convince each other to change a baby, they’d be fighting to see who gets to that it first. “What sort of magical wonderment does it contain it this time?!” people would ask excitedly. Every time a baby grunted, a look of delight would come across the face of anyone within earshot. Parents would host elaborate parties for all of their friends and there would be games where people tried to guess the prize.
“Um, a bracelet! Wait! A Ship in a bottle! No, uh, a three cent stamp from 1924!”
“Wrong, it was Billy Joel’s Greatest Hits on cassette! That’s right, the Piano Man. Everybody drink!”
Decades later that same baby told his parents that this was going to Say Good Bye To Hollywood because he was in a New York State of Mind and moved to52nd Street where he worked at an Italian Restaurant until he married anUptown Girl and moved to Allen Town. Eventually though, he lost his job and shot himself. Don’t ask me why.
I hope you’re a BIlly Joel fan, or else I just wasted like seven jokes on you.
Baby magic aside, there are a lot things I’m working on right now. I honestly can’t say where I will be within a week on any one of them but it’s creatively, socially, medically and financially full steam ahead. I’m either going to make it all happen or derail like the Hammond circus train wreck of 1918. If that ends up the case, bury me at Showmen’s Rest with the rest of the Hagenbeck-Wallace Circus.
I’m not going to lie to you, I may have recently read a book about circuses of the twentieth century.
Sick post. ;)
Take that any way you want to.
Cos we like you “Just The Way You Are.”
BTW: Reading this post made me wonder if “Captain Jack” got you high tonight. You’re quite “The Entertainer.”
Feel better soon. Not that I’m worried. You’ll survive. “Only the Good Die Young.”
Signed, “The Stranger”
Whoa, someone is pulling out all the stops tonight with the Joel puns. Cindy had some good ones too but not with the machine gun pacing of yours. How do you come up with them so quick? You should “Tell her about it” sometime.
This Uptown Girl thinks you’re very funny and surprise poops are an excellent idea; however, I’d hate to get a Celine Dion cd … *runs off to hurl*
Don’t worry, if I had the power to change reality, Celine Dion wouldn’t even exist.
I like it. It’s like the fun of a stripper cake, except inside a baby.
This maybe one of the single greatest sentences I have ever read.
Ever seen one of those dopey middle aged blondes walking that dog that looks like a bejeweled manicured and perfumed rat and stopping so “Baby, baby now, come leave mommy a little present.”? A little present of poop, huh. No wonder husband’s an alcoholic with a pipe. Just once I’d love to see a giant hawk swoop down…..
what kind of pipe? a crack pipe?
OMG I hope not. Maybe just a bong. No advocate here, just hyperbole to characterize insanity toleration hubby suffers .Me clean 8 1/2 years.
Maybe they are of the mind that this magical “gifting” is a reality with small dogs. However, I’ll be honest, waiting for anything to poop just seems crazy for me.
“No matter how much you love any child, you will never ever love its excrement.”
Couldn’t have said it better myself.
A sad truth.
The world of possibilities that was opened up with that blog is scary. But goddamn, I want to see it happen !
Help me put the wheels in motion.
Changing diaper sure looks tough! Hahah it’s really funny what you said about gold coin and thank you note.
“You may be right” with regards to all of the above.
Fortunately you’re not living in “Glass Houses” …
Oh no! You spotted another Billy J fan!
This post provided my daily dose of “fweird” (funny & weird)… thank you!
Its also very good that you provided a disclaimer below the cartoon!
excellent. “fweird.” takes one to know one thysleroux ;).
polsky, i can’t say enough about how much fun it was joining you in that great fantasy u came up with – “every so often, you’d find little treasures like a gold coin or a note from the baby thanking you. How sweet would it be to find a plastic dinosaur, half a sandwich or an autographed photo of Mark Twain in the diaper instead of just business as usual?” thx for the ride
sorry posky. name slam unintended. typos can b the death of us!
Yeah, let’s not pretend like thysleroux isn’t almost as odd of a duck as I am.
I’m glad everyone is digging it though.
Yes indeed. I was worried my children must have been developmentally challenged. They didn’t speak at all for the first five years. Though that may have been because I gagged them.
You’re insane, and I love it! Very funny stuff. Makes me want to read more. Think I’ll add you to my blogroll.
Peace and Bread…
I agree. I found Posky because he commented at a group blogsite I belong to here at WordPress, and I had to check him out. And I like.
I am for sure adding you to my blogroll…you are really insane but loving it :) xxxx
Well thanks everyone. I’m sorry when this inevitably evolves into a platform for me to endorse bestiality and torturing children in advance. But it will be pretty sweet to keep me on your blogroll until that time.
I can imagine Twain doing two kinds of autographed pictures–normal, complimentary ones, and insulting ones, like,
Run for Congress.
If he wrote that, would you?
My dream is that he would write me one that said “I hope my mustache tickles you when we kiss” so I could show it off to all my friends.
If he wrote that, I’d probably have a long, sad and introspective moment in which I attempted to draw a line from birth to this turn of phrase that would shame Don Rickles.
Your memento would be better.
hope you’re feeling better friend.
and that would be really cool, if i found a treasure in baby poop. ppl keep telling me
that when i have kids, i’ll be ok changing diapers, cause i’ll love them so much. but i really love my cat, and changing her cat litter still makes me wanna puke. O_o
That’s because smelling cat pee is like getting sprayed with mace. No matter how we love these little creatures, their bathroom habits are a terrible awful byproduct we are forced to deal with.
I’m just thinking about ways to improve the world. I’m like an inventor of the impossible.
i cringed and loll’d.
You must be high. lol
Just on medicine but it has been quite the ride anyway. Let’s face it, Robitussin us famous for it’s mind destroying abilities- that’s why high schoolers use it to get wasted. I was go delirious with illness and got tired of measuring it out and accidentally took way too much of it with some 12 hour cold relief on top of it. Things got a little weird.
This is so damn funny that I laughed until I was crying… and I just rolled out of bed for the day. GREAT way to start my day! Thanks for stopping by my blog. I’ll definitely be one of your regular visitors from now on.
I wish this yielded some sort of an income because I would love to start people’s morning’s off with laughter.
Yuck, never know what you’ll find in those diapers…better believe it’s not a place I prefer to dig for gold!
And, for the record, let’s make the treasures found in the diaper magically clean. That way we don’t have to “dig” or “sift.”
HILARIOUS! Ok, true story, Two days ago, my 3 year-old was on the potty and shouted “Mom, the poop came out with no milk!” Apparently he read your post before me and thought it was possible.
Your child is among the funniest three-year-olds alive.
“Mom, the poop came out with no milk!” would have left me laughing until it hurt.
Mark Twain is such a great guy :)
I would agree to have children with a lucky man if the child’s dirty diaper was like a crackerjack box with a prize in it. How can this become the modern reality?
Let’s put our heads together and figure this out.
Or we can put together something else. You know, whatever works.
lol Matt – don’t even know where to start… too funny! btw – beware of troop trains heading from Kalamazoo — try stay awake at the throttle :)
How do you know so much about my travel, sleeping and motorcycle habits?
This was funny. This made me laugh. I actually like this. I should tweet this. I should.
I love the other stuff in the diaper idea! So how often would it be poo and how often would it be fun stuff? I like to know my odds.
I’m thinking you’d score a gift 15% of the time. That way it keeps it special.
Those are pretty stinky odds.
I love stuff that comes right out of left field – just like this. Oh..maybe not the prizeless contents of a diaper.
Or getting stuck with the weather reporter. *’scuse me. I think a diaper needs changing*
Thanks for swinging by place. One of these days, I’ll tell you about that wife…
Please do. Inquiring minds want to know.
Good God, the stores will sell out of prune juice…those poor, poor babies.
Hmmm…I don’t know that even prizes would make me want to dive into diaper changes EVER again. I adore my kids, but the diaper stage was a trying time indeed. I’m a big Billy Joel fan, though, and man – you’ve sure got a way about ‘ya!
Well, I appreciate you either complementing or coming onto me just now.
“She’s got a waaay about her, mmm, I don’t know what it is but I just can’t live without her…” I was just adding to the BJ love…
But I was also complimenting you too! :-)
Of course, now you will know somewhat of my era by saying this. It could be a lot worse! In my day, we changed the diapers, disposed of the gift in the toilet , rinsed them, threw them in a diaper hamper, carried the hamper to the washing machine, washed them, dried them, folded them and started all over the next day! Phew! Gold coin would have been nice because, then, I could have afforded buying the disposable kind and eliminated, at least, some of that drudgery. Disposables were so expensive back then that they were like gold and used only on outings for convenience sake. :)
My sympathy on the cough. Got the flu shot but still picked up this yucky cough, also…must be something new going around.
If my cough is anything to go by, it’s the consumption.
That was insanely funny! I mean I laughed out loud in a quiet room – way to go Posky.
Hope you feel better soon – the phlegm is just hard and it really wracks your body :(
That’s true. I went to go see a magic show intended for children at a fall festival and the phlegm took a lot more out of me than I thought. I was dead on my feet before I got home and my friends all seemed that kind of angry/concerned that only best friends can get away with.
I hope everyone looked at you and thought you were a lunatic. “Inappropriate” laughter is among my favorites.
One other thing… have you ever noticed how many women comment on your blog? Does your blog qualify as leaving “her white bread world”?
Haahaa…that’s funny Theresa. More Billy Joel references please! :-)
I also didn’t notice how many women commented on my blog until you pointed it out. I wonder what is the cause for that phenomenon. Thoughts?
Excellent, and slightly obscure, Joel reference too. That one may be for true fans only.
Sigmund F would have loved your post. He knew, like the baby, that poo=money. Filthy lucre and all that jazz.
Oh yeah, laughing with glee.
Now consider all of this from the view point of your toilet bowl.
1) Please tell me you’ll do the illustrations for the book I’m planning to write.
2) Please tell me you’ll do the writing for the book I’m planning to illustrate.
3) Is it weird that I got nine Billy Jokes out of that paragraph?
Writing with your pants off counteracts the medication…just close the blinds.
Oh…and writing in your car like that is frowned upon AND is partially why I can’t be within 1000′ of an elementary school.
1. I was also recently sick for two weeks coughing up my organs! High five!
2. I love Billy Joel. I would recognize him on the radio at a very young age, hence I learned the piano. Been playing for 13 years/
3. You’re funny.
Dear God, I didn’t even see the previously number comment before me! The numbering was solely my own idea. hah!
at this point, i have managed to endure five wondrous but terrifying months of being an aunt. the little guy just started laughing and grabbing, and he wore his first “man-outfit,” (plaid button down, sweater vest, corduroys, and loafers) to my bar the other night. that’s right, he comes to the bar and flirts and socializes. while all the unmarried, childess girls around me (and some of the guys) are dissolving into fits of baby-fever, Aunt M remains stoic in her quest to avoid having children, and it all boils down to one thing.
I cannot, will not, MUST not see it, smell it, touch it, or change it. if i can’t manage to marry a stay-at-home dad who’ll take care of it, babies may very well not be in my future at all. you and i would never work.
I LOVE BILLY JOEL SONGS! They are the greatest to sing on karaoke!
Ah, your mind is an amusement park. I suspect medicine and phlegm are the least of it.
So jealous of your signed Mart Twain photo, even if it did come out of a babies ass. Mint Juleps for everyone!
this was pretty funny lol changing diapers is always a drag, but it would be worth it if I found gold in there somewhere lol
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“No matter how much you love any child, you will never ever love its excrement.”
Actually, this is not true. After three weeks of some scary sh*t (pun intended) exploding out of my newborn, I was nearly giddy one day when it smelled like popcorn.
Comparatively speaking, I loved that excrement!
I usually rad your blog posts because there are pictures. Even though there were a lot of words, I still read this one. Very funny.
I wonder what prize would be in Larry King’s diapers?
Struggle through those words, they’ll help make the pictures funnier.
Is that “immorality” or immortality”? I’m not good with words….my husband is the cunning linguist.