Based on the expressions on ugly people’s faces that I’ve been passing in the street, the winter doldrums are still going strong. However, the temperatures are about to rise everywhere and the sun has been seen hanging out in the sky a little longer than usual. You only need endure listlessness for a few more weeks and I’m here to help. I’ve compiled a brief list of things that might brighten your mood as winter dies and can personally attest to all of them being great. Consider trying everything on this list. But, if you do not have the means or time to do so, I would suggest closing your eyes and imagining what each event might be like as a form of seasonal therapy:
Learning how to skateboard and then doing a bunch of tricks in front of that cool girl you met at the beach.
Rolling a natural 20 in a high pressure moment of Dungeons and Dragons.
Sitting near a couple of bear cubs just relaxing in a grassy field.
Shaving a swear word into your own hair.
Finally finding that vegan cheese you’ve been looking for.
Your partner suddenly agreeing to that really weird thing you’ve been “wanting to try for a while now.”
Drinking a 40oz malt liquor beverage (probably King Cobra) with your crew and then walking to get hamburgers on a summer day.
Riding a wheelie out of someone’s living room window and then all the way down the street you used to live on while everyone is eating hotdogs and clapping for you.
Playing a didgeridoo right into the face of a screaming baby.
The pastor of your church doing a guitar solo before proclaiming Satan the new God.
Living as one of Hitler’s dogs. Live the sweet life until 1945 or bite him and change history?
Being a medieval warrior having just taken over an opponent’s castle, raped all his food, and eaten all of his women (that wasn’t a typo).
Your boss calling you into their office. While pretending to listen, you give yourself a running start to jump kick them out of their huge corner window. When your co-workers enter the room they all start screaming and ripping off their sleeves. Eventually the entire office is being destroyed as each employee succumbs to their own primal rage.
Stealing a police car and joy riding it through town before parking it on the steps of city hall and burning it.
Winning the lottery and using the money to fund a marketing campaign for your new role as a super villain. Use the money to hire hit squads for hunting down billionaires and the fifty people you thought had the stupidest names in the phone-book.
Your dad coming back to life.
I just realized that this could have been called 16 Ways To Defeat Those Wintertime Blues, but numbered list articles are a bigger problem in this country than racism, the national debt, and cancer combined.
You Monsters Are People. 
I’m trying to decide whether the bear cubs or “Don’t touch the thermostat” were my favorite. I think I’ll call it a tie and be done with it. ;)
Buy both.
I just don’t think I’m going to make it….
That’s okay, none of us do in the end.
That was touching, yet morbid.
*tear*
It was warm for about 10 minutes today and I almost broke out my swimsuit and inflatable pool.
Well done, well done indeed.
A didgeridoo into the face of a screaming baby? You win the Internet. I laughed until I could hardly breathe.
In college, I recall looking for the stupidest names in the phone book. And calling them, just to tell them how stupid they were. Does that count?
My next post: 10 Reasons Why Bloggers Need to Stop Making Lists.
I’m not sure it does count unless you firebombed their homes.
I also have an anti-list list article coming out. Maybe you can beat me to the punch.
I doubt it.
I have 2 others in the pipeline before that. So, you’re gonna get there first. So now I get to look derivative.
Plus, I’m gonna do a list post before I do an anti-list post, otherwise I’ll look stupid.
Glad to see you’re still alive.
Still chuckling!!! :)
On the Money as always Matt!!! :)
God Bless!
Prenin.
Thanks, Prenin. Always happy to rock your day into outer space.
Hurray for Hotdog munching while stunting on a superbike! Very happy illustration there! Loved it!
Absolutely love this! Chuckling out loud at my desk. Oh no, my boss has noticed!!!
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Kick them out of a window.
Can you please come to Australia and show me your mad skateboarding skillz? It’s not Winter here :)
I am more impressive on a dirt-bike. You’d definitely rather see me on a motorcycle or in front of a microphone if you’d like to be wooed.
The sketch of the dad made me laugh out loud. Love it.
Love your blog, super funny. How do you come up with some much material?
I lay down on the floor and push all the blood into my head until an idea or memory makes its way to my fingers.
I’ll give that a try. First I’m going to try meditation AKA a nap. Thanks.
Natural 20 FTW! Don’t forget to train those dice by rolling all the 1s out, then putting them winning-side up*.
*Statements like these drive mathematicians crazy.
“Don’t touch the thermostat.” Priceless! That and “Did you turn off the lights/stove?” I’m glad you didn’t number the list – each item is perfect in its own spot.
I can’t identify with that. My father has the entire house wired to a remote control so he can control every light. That isn’t a joke he actually has a device that does that.
Closing my eyes and imagining all of those really put a smile AND a laugh on my face. Thanks!
Haha I love the one about the medieval castle! I think I MAY have a hard time doing all of these though…
Apply yourself.
That was really funny. Your dad is handsome.
Your site is hilarious!
Employees ripping off their sleeves. The very definition of office anarchy. Perhaps warm up to it by not wearing socks under the desk. Love it.
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webpage link on your page at proper place and other person will
also do same in favor of you.