Based on the expressions on ugly people’s faces that I’ve been passing in the street, the winter doldrums are still going strong. However, the temperatures are about to rise everywhere and the sun has been seen hanging out in the sky a little longer than usual. You only need endure listlessness for a few more weeks and I’m here to help. I’ve compiled a brief list of things that might brighten your mood as winter dies and can personally attest to all of them being great. Consider trying everything on this list. But, if you do not have the means or time to do so, I would suggest closing your eyes and imagining what each event might be like as a form of seasonal therapy:
Learning how to skateboard and then doing a bunch of tricks in front of that cool girl you met at the beach.
Rolling a natural 20 in a high pressure moment of Dungeons and Dragons.
Sitting near a couple of bear cubs just relaxing in a grassy field.
Shaving a swear word into your own hair.
Finally finding that vegan cheese you’ve been looking for.
Your partner suddenly agreeing to that really weird thing you’ve been “wanting to try for a while now.”
Drinking a 40oz malt liquor beverage (probably King Cobra) with your crew and then walking to get hamburgers on a summer day.
Riding a wheelie out of someone’s living room window and then all the way down the street you used to live on while everyone is eating hotdogs and clapping for you.
Playing a didgeridoo right into the face of a screaming baby.
The pastor of your church doing a guitar solo before proclaiming Satan the new God.
Living as one of Hitler’s dogs. Live the sweet life until 1945 or bite him and change history?
Being a medieval warrior having just taken over an opponent’s castle, raped all his food, and eaten all of his women (that wasn’t a typo).
Your boss calling you into their office. While pretending to listen, you give yourself a running start to jump kick them out of their huge corner window. When your co-workers enter the room they all start screaming and ripping off their sleeves. Eventually the entire office is being destroyed as each employee succumbs to their own primal rage.
Stealing a police car and joy riding it through town before parking it on the steps of city hall and burning it.
Winning the lottery and using the money to fund a marketing campaign for your new role as a super villain. Use the money to hire hit squads for hunting down billionaires and the fifty people you thought had the stupidest names in the phone-book.
Your dad coming back to life.
I just realized that this could have been called 16 Ways To Defeat Those Wintertime Blues, but numbered list articles are a bigger problem in this country than racism, the national debt, and cancer combined.