The Modern Chicken: A Theropod At Heart

ChickenDNA
Tyrannosaurus rex is more closely related to a chicken than it is to an alligator. Think about that the next time you’re at a farm and you see twenty potential man eaters pecking away at food scraps. These little omnivores would absolutely eat you if they could and, if they ever get organized enough, I see that as a total possibility. Their ancestors once ruled the planet through unconstrained violence and a piece of that fury has to remain burning inside of their tiny chicken hearts. While a passing glance might make it seem an innocuous beast, holding a chicken’s gaze even for a moment hints at the rage swelling within. There is documented proof that all chickens are prospective killers and if you choose to ignore that proof then I feel sorry for you.

The lesson to be learned is never underestimate anyone. That clerk might be one rude customer away from going on a rampage. Your mailman may already have written the next great American novel. The person sitting in the park wearing the stupidest outfit you have ever seen might just be will.i.am. That meek old woman next door could have once been the world’s most infamous pornographic actress. On the seas of life, nobody knows what lies beneath. But, if you’re clever, you might catch a helpful glimpse from time to time.

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22 Responses to The Modern Chicken: A Theropod At Heart

  1. prenin says:

    Cluck cluck!

    Nice Chicken, good chicken…

    Cluck Cluck SQWARK!!!

    No! No! NOT THE STUFFING!!!! AAAAAARGHH!!!

    No telling what’s going on in their beady little brains… :)

    God bless!

    Prenin.

  2. Nadia says:

    I have a theory about koalas… They look all cuddly and placid, but inside they’re just waiting for the right moment to tear that dumb and unsuspecting tourist’s throat from his body. Could they be related to dinos? I have some reading to do.

  3. I have a tedious ride into the city every morning at 5:20. The bus is packed with bitter, scowling suburbanites. We’re packed like sardines into a tin box. I swear to God, everyone looks like they’re THISCLOSE to snapping and shooting up the bus.

  4. Pingback: The Modern Chicken: A Theropod At Heart | the life you live is a CHOICE

  5. just look at how fierce fighting cocks are

  6. Kim says:

    Another reason I think birds are creepy and am sure my “polite” neighbor is a serial killer.

    • Here’s how to find out for sure if you’re neighbor is a serial killer. Tell them that your door lock is broken and that you’ll be taking a long nap before you catch a bus out of town for an extended vacation. Say that you’ll be taking sleeping pills to ENSURE you fall asleep and that you’ve told everyone you’re heading out of town already. Then just ask if they could get your mail for you.

      If the doorknob jiggles even ONCE, then they are a serial killer. Call the police.

  7. Grumpy Axolotl says:

    Loved it.
    Wait … This isn’t a joke. They’re pissed, and they’re coming to take their eggs back!

  8. Zack says:

    I’ve never worried about chickens. Geese though. Geese scare the crap out of me. I’m terrified of them.

  9. Anna says:

    This is bloody brilliant, chickens, and morals, and everything.

  10. jake kale says:

    I don’t know if you’ve evr seen the sci fi sitcom Red Dwarf, but there was an episode where someone “devolved” a chicken into a T. rex. Unfortunately that episode was from the show’s less good eighth season, but I don’t remember it being too bad.

  11. I think many people think like this but not many at all can put it in words and pics such as yours. Thank you for sharing your sass…blog on comedian…
    AnnMarie
    newbie blogger

  12. Dude… That little kid was like 5… And petrified… That’s so messed up… and Hilarious! He’s vegan today — I guarantee it.

  13. Almost Iowa says:

    A new theory is on the wind…. It wasn’t an asteroid that caused the Great Extinction, it was Colonel Sanders.

  14. Vee says:

    Reblogged this on Quite Callipygous and commented:
    I will never look at my chicken the same way again. Also, this reminds me strongly of Bo Burnham where the prose starts off as hilarious and somehow gets standing-ovation-worthy introspective at the end.

  15. rarasaur says:

    Chickens frighten me. I can completely see how the terrible lizards would evolve into something even more terrifying. I also second the Red Dwarf recommendation, :)

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