The Guest List At My Funeral

I’m going to make a guest list for my funeral, that way people I don’t want to show up can’t waltz in and pretend to have been my friend or some long lost family member.  Normally, I don’t believe in the the velvet rope but I have to make an exception in this case.  There are just some people you don’t want to give the satisfaction of seeing your corpse before they remove the bones so they can be bleached, dressed in a top hat and and posed at the entrance of your children’s daycare center.

And, since it is a well known fact that I’d like to be consumed at my wake or (at the very least) have my ashes smoked by my inner circle, there isn’t enough to go around for every random person that shows up.  There might not be enough to go around anyway.  Hoards of people you haven’t seen in a long time always seem to randomly show up for funerals. Sometimes these are people nobody else claims to know that had a pretty minimal connection to the deceased.  I see that all the time; some weepy nonentity recounting, in great detail, about how close they were.  If you had once told them a joke at a party, they’ll claim that you shared a deep and profound moment.

I’ve even heard of an enemy putting aside years of bad blood to honor their fallen adversary at the funeral.  Granted, that’s impressively civil, but they are missing out on a golden opportunity to disgrace them in front of their friends and family, postmortem.  How could anyone resist placing a crawdad in the open fly of their foe and pointing it out to the great shame of their entire family?  I, most certainly, could not.  I sincerely doubt anyone could and that’s another good reason to restrict access to my corpse while it is on public display for my loved ones.

Then again, maybe I wouldn’t need to bother with a guest list.  There are times in your life when you wonder who, if anyone, would even show up.  I suppose it is the living moments that really matter, though.  The connections you have, or had, with people before the blood stops squishing around inside you are probably a lot more important than who shows up at a place with way too many curtains just to stare at your dead body inside of a box.  So, maybe, I’ll just charge a cover for the people I didn’t really want to show.  After all, someone has to pay for the laser light show.


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About You Monsters Are People

Wisdom, wonderment and weird for everyone.
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43 Responses to The Guest List At My Funeral

  1. lunargirl says:

    What is the going rate for cover charge to a funeral? Sounds like an absolutely fabulous idea!

  2. I will be cremated and then I have asked my daughter to pour the ashes off the north side of the Broad Causeway bridge into Biscayne Bay in North Miami. I have imprinted upon her the need to make sure the wind is at her back so the ashes don’t blow back onto the bridge and get run over by the cars and I get killed again.

  3. Byron says:

    Are you still going to drive your motorcycle into a truck full of frozen hamburger patties whilst it travels through a poor neighborhood; of which, the resulting explosion would super heat the patties, and hot food would rain down on the needy? I hope you’re still going to do that.

  4. undividing says:

    What an interesting mix of insight and hilarity ;) Love the laser light show idea. I don’t know if you watch “How I Met Your Mother” but it seems like something the character Barney would do. Awesome.

  5. I’ll be there — with a purse full of crawdads, whom I will name (Leroy, Herbert, Sven and Mortimer) before attaching to your open fly.

    (Not that you’re my adversary — rather, because it would best befit your wishes, of course. And yeah, those might be some random names…)

    ;)

  6. Awe…so nice to read Posky musings again! You could consider threatening to haunt those that show false emotion, or bother to show “just because”. I used to tease my mother that if she didn’t have me cremated (assuming I kicked before her), I’d haunt her for going against my wishes! She still doesn’t believe me, ha! ~

  7. Spectra says:

    I’m impressed that ‘any dog’ and your friends cat will be given front row seating at your funeral. But left unattended, that cat might chew off half your face. The dog could pee on the coffin. But it would all be out of love, of course. Surprised you didn’t think to have your bones cleaned and fed to those funeral dogs – actually, they like it when you leave a few shreds of meat on the bones, too.

    Glad to see you back and posting, Posky!

  8. prenin says:

    A top movie executive died and to the amazement of his family dozens of people showed up!

    When asked why the wife shrugged and said: ‘Give them what they want’… :)

    I don’t care what happens to my remains when I die – it’ll be too damned late and you don’t get to change your mind…

    God Bless!

    Prenin.

  9. jakesprinter says:

    I enjoy it nice post and artwork :)

  10. LadyT says:

    Funny and true!

  11. WordsFallFromMyEyes says:

    Yes, I think I’m in the right spot. You are hilarious!! I love the opening cartoon – love the actual list, & the whole strip; love the cartoon of your skeli propped up outside the kids’ day care, love the cartoon of the chapstick long lost friend. It’s just great. This is great!! I love coming across a great site. Well, maybe I’m being swift – it’s my first impression, first page, but loving it.

    I don’t know what a crawdad is – just curious. And now I can’t find that brick wall I was SURE I saw that said ‘You monsters are people’.

    I’ve come by, Posky, because I liked your gravatar. I take it now (for sure) you drew it yourself. Great stuff.
    But before I saw your gravatar, I saw your comment (on my page about calling my son darling – remember?) and I was just interested to drop in on you. I actually mentioned it to my son – your comment & said I couldn’t imagine a mum saying it like that.

    Anyway, I’m so glad you found me which meant I found you. Daniel loves animations, by the way.
    I’m gunna have a read up on ya, Posky…. N’n.

  12. WordsFallFromMyEyes says:

    Forgot to say, totally loved your last line – & this gives me the chance to click ‘notify of follow-up comments’. Ta, cya.

  13. drawandshoot says:

    Do you ever wonder why there is no such thing as a funeral photographer? If there are it seems they are underground (no pun intended). No one is advertising “We specialize in Weddings, Newborns and Wakes…”
    We document every other part of life why not the end?
    If you are planning on being consumed why not have candid shots of the consumers, documentary style. You know, for Poskterity.

    • asoulwalker says:

      “Poskterity…” Ha ha ha…

    • Posky says:

      I guess I really never realized the Poskabilities for puns in my name.

      To be serious, for a moment, some of the older members of my family actually have photos of caskets and even a few of themselves with bodies of old friends and relatives. I think death should be documented and am unsure why modern society has such an aversion to it. I find it very interesting. Are you familiar with charnel houses and churches decorated with bones (mostly in eastern Europe)? It’s my current light obsession.

      I would love to have a funeral photographer, if you’re interested. I can work the time of my death around your schedule if need be.

      • drawandshoot says:

        Fascinating. I am familiar with this to a degree but have never visited a charnel house. It would be incredible to document some of these places for sure. Strangely beautiful!
        My schedule is flexible so don’t feel a need to get yourself all cadaverous anytime soon.
        Just keep me posted.

      • Lis says:

        Just out of curiosity, have you ever seen the film “The Others” (Nicole Kidman stars)? Photos of the dead play a large part. Oh, and, Posky, I luvs ya, man. ;) Another excellent post. I, personally, love the Daddy Loves You/daycare idea. My ex-bf once joked that when his dad died he would have him taxidermied (spellink??) and then put a mat under him, so that when you stepped towards his dad’s body, the mat would trigger a recording of him saying, “Where’s that money you owe me, boy?”.

        Guess you had to have been there…

    • I have a photographer friend who takes death portraits. Sort of like a modern death mask. I’d give you her website address if she had one. She’s a bit old-school, still uses film even, but she says she does good business. Posky’s would definitely have to be irreverent. Shooting the bird? Fly open?

  14. asoulwalker says:

    I was thinking about a viking funeral and I hadn’t really considered restricting the guest list. This now seems like an oversight on my part. Perhaps I could have an “able-to-shoot-a-flaming-arrow-from-a-bow-test” in order for people to gain admittance. What do you think?

  15. So….umm….am I on the list to attend your funeral, or what? ;)

    • Posky says:

      I’d rather leave it a surprise, but it is probably safe for you buy a cute black dress if you don’t already have one.

  16. larazSita says:

    then before that’s all happen you should watching movie and drink tequila :D LoL

  17. Disgraceful in the best way.

  18. You know, I read “consumed” and I immediately thought you meant to be literally “eaten” at the funeral! Like, with plastic knives and forks! How ridiculous. I can clearly see now that you meant for your spirit to fill the room and have people bask in its existence. Right? Right? Oh, I just reread and saw “smoke my ashes”. Okay then!

  19. El Guapo says:

    You had me at “Clown Stripper”

  20. Poor Alley says:

    Reblogged this on Channel the Alley and commented:
    Nice

  21. My grandmother passed away last Sunday. Her funeral was this Wednesday. This has been the worst week of my life. And yet, this blog post made me smile and laugh an awful lot for someone who’s going through hell and still trying to find her way out.

    This line in particular made me feel better: “The connections you have, or had, with people before the blood stops squishing around inside you are probably a lot more important than who shows up at a place with way too many curtains just to stare at your dead body inside of a box.” I’ve felt so much guilt this week; and it’s comforting to think that all time she and I spent together during her life, before she got Alzheimer’s a year and a half ago, is what mattered most.

    You are awesome, Posky. Thank you for making me smile.

    • Posky says:

      I had a similar go with my grandparents. They didn’t always remember who I was before they died and I probably could have spent more time with them in the years leading up to their passing. My grandfather’s funeral had a large attendance and lasted a large portion of the day– and included the normal after party/wake. I took some comfort in having been with him the moment he died but still went through a very long period of private mourning. His wife died only a few months later and it was sort of hard on my mom to put on an identical funeral. Not much of the extended family showed up, the funeral didn’t seem to last as long, there was no wake. There weren’t even enough able bodied people to carry the casket so I enlisted friends, who had never met her, to help me carry her to the grave. I was so angry with my family for that and angry with myself for not having seen her more before her mind slipped away.

      I can empathize and sincerely hope that the worst of that feeling goes away soon. I really do believe that it’s the time that we do spend, and not the time that we don’t, that really matters in relationships. I have no faith to comfort me and, while I hope there is a beautiful and natural transition into something better after we die, I would still be satisfied knowing that I had a few fleeting moments to reflect back on the people that loved me over the years before I got some much needed rest. I normally offer more questions than answers, but I am absolutely sure there is no time or reason to become bitter in those last moments. If that woman ever loved you and knew you loved her, which I’m sure was the case, that doesn’t change. I don’t expect you to feel better but it’s alright to let go of some of that guilt.

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