Becoming a hater is one the greatest things you can do with your life in these troubled postmodern times. However, the prevailing popularity of willful ignorance and complacency may make finding like-minded individuals difficult. A lot of America has thrown in the towel on critical thought in favor of cooking shows and sixty hour work weeks. But if you’re wasting most of your time watching network television and working at a job that you don’t like (like most of this nation), and you aren’t offsetting that by occasionally setting a BMW on fire or crashing a motorcycle into a bus stop full of ugly children, you should probably have feelings about something more relevant than trans fats or fashion. Have a damn opinion. Even if it’s a terrible one you’ll at least be more interesting. It worked for Hitler. That guy has entire shows dedicated to trying to figure out what his deal was.
As someone who is passionately annoyed about things that warrant such negative emotions, I have assured myself that I am a much much better person than all of those baseline morons that just can’t seem to stop talking about their favorite episode of their favorite show but has nothing to contribute about their actual life. I also know that some people prefer an opinionated hate-machine to some automaton that subscribes to all of the fluffy feel-good nonsense that the internet is currently littered with. Every young straight woman that has ever read a book has wanted to give their love-soaked underwear to Holden Caulfield. They adore him not despite his character flaws but because of them. He hates himself and he hates the world he lives in because he sees everything that is wrong with it. His biggest problem is also his most appealing trait. But, if Holden were a real person, we can probably assume that he grew up to become everything he despised. That’s what happens with the children of upper-crust parents with obnoxious names like “Holden Caulfield.”
So what’s your excuse? Are your parents rich too? Have you somehow miraculously avoided hardships to a point where you don’t even know enough to be angry with the status quo? Have you ever asked yourself why you “liked” Pepsi on Facebook? Do you think it’s because you are a stupid idiot?
I do.
The density required to claim that the 1980s was the decade of unbridled greed approaches that of a neutron star when you consider what has happened in the last ten years. We’ve sold the souls of Middle-Class America to appease the cooperate overlords that now run the government and are currently attempting to control the flow of information. General-Mills recently attempted to make the claim that someone who liked them online had no legal grounds to sue them. The current chairman of the Federal Communications Commission is a prior lobbyist for cable companies and is currently making subtle arguments to murder net neutrality by promising “something” else. President Obama, who previously supported net neutrality, nominated Tom Wheeler as head of the FCC and the Senate unanimously voted him in some months later. In case you are unaware of how the government makes hard decisions like that, here is a helpful diagram:
Rod Serling said “We’re developing a new citizenry. One that will be very selective about cereals and automobiles, but won’t be able to think.” I hate to break it to old Rod’s big-eared ghost but we may have gone well beyond that if we can’t even realize when those companies are taking advantage of us. Serling couldn’t possibly see beyond the event horizon and envision the mass perversion of media into one giant stream of commercials intermixed with less-than intelligent programming. His nightmare scenario was just the tip of the giant digital dildo we are all simultaneously being raped with. Remember to like and follow all of your favorite brands today. Tattoo “Nabisco” on your face right now and get fifteen percent off your next bag of Oreo Cakester Minis™.
While you’re out there being obsessed with Japanese anime, perfecting your steampunk outfit, hunting down that perfect new brunch spot in Brooklyn, or whatever other potentially pointless thing you are way too interested in right now, you might be missing out on having an opinion on important things. You might even not want to have an opinion because it’s too much damn work. I was recently complaining about internet service providers, their garbage “premium access” concept, and how it holds content hostage. Then a friend suggested that I stop complaining because I couldn’t predict the future and to “just see how it goes.” That’s a really incredible attitude to have. The next time someone points out a problem with something I’m just going to say, “Hey, let’s just see how it goes” and then finish masturbating into my own face while I watch reruns of Glee.
If the incomprehensible popularity of YouTube videos where some perpetually shrieking imbecile contorts their already hideous face has taught me one thing, it’s that the democratization of media risks setting the bar perilously low. Who knew that an entire generation would, when given the option, automatically default to the most dumbed-down content imaginable and then aggressively defend it when someone finally came to the conclusion that it was garbage? Do you know what those people call the truth-tellers of our culture? They call them names to discredit them and keep you from listening. They call the greatest heroes since astronauts haters in an effort to defraud them because they go against the popular opinion.
Haters are the pariahs of the internet and face endless persecution simply for identifying that something was of a lower than desired quality or not to their particular taste. Well, a hater claimed that the earth was round, a hater realized that the Earth wasn’t the center of the universe, and a hater died on the cross for making too many waves. That’s right, Jesus Christ was a hater. He knew the score and had to pay the ultimate price for telling-it-like-it-is because “like-it-is” was just too real for The Man.
Maybe you feel fine about how things are going though. The chemical toilets that comprise the majority of the United States Congress and the growing number of lobbyists that fellatiate them into sweaty satisfaction might be your sort of people. Maybe you’re a famous rapper who crams expensive bottles of champagne and whole lobsters into hired asses for fun. Perhaps your great-grandfather started a major American company and you are now an out of touch weirdo trying to ensure you leave this world even more impossibly wealthy than you came into it. The fact that I don’t know tells me I should probably spend more time researching my readership.
You are a speck on a dot in an endless black void of swirling dust particles. So the absolute least you can do is to stop being such a stupid complacent asshole. Be a hater. Tell someone their six-hundred dollar purse is ugly. Smash your parent’s television the next time it plays a car commercial featuring a ukelele backing track. Make a person in the class above you terrified of your very existence. Bulldoze your pastor’s home and tell him it was God’s will. Stop watching dog or cat videos, get out there, and eat one. Read up on something other than what celebrities look like now that their show has been canceled and use that new information to become a creature of some small value and consequence. Then again, can you imagine the chaos if everyone thought for themselves?
You Monsters Are People. 
Amen!! Thank you for the rant Matt, greatly appreciated on this side of the pond too!! There is nothing more to add to that other than you could have used my “cultural scurvy” phrase!! ;)
I can’t afford to buy the rights.
Same problem here in the UK.
I am a hater and have been all my life, but just got put through the shredder when I tried to make a difference.
The system sucks.
Prenin.
I often find myself agreeing.
By far, my favourite thing you have ever written. I am a total hater, my last name proves it.
It’s what I have always liked best about you.
First of all, great post. I agree with your sentiment, but i often wonder what my existence would be like if “we” “won” and everyone was a deep thinker, our politics accurately reflected the people’s enlightened views, and there was nothing to rail against; nothing to resist or strive against. If I was in that heaven I would be just as complacent as the people you declscribed.
You don’t know that. Having everyone as deep thinkers would cause us to do away with the insipid things we deem as important today. Also, I don’t think the author is asking that we should all be ‘deep’ thinkers compared to the likes of Socrates. I believe he’s saying we should learn to have a mind of our own and should know when we’re being played by the government and organizations.
Awesome rant. I am interested in a girl in YouTube. She takes part in many serious topics. She presents her ideas in a fantastic way. I am sure she is on the same road with you.
I just wrote something similar, myself. I think the Internet is the pool an entire generation of Narcissists are destined to drown in.
If this was on FB I’d “like” it.
Most everything today is awful, or bland at best. Rich people rule everything and apparently don’t have nearly enough and we are obligated to give them more.
Share things that matter, are different, and make people think.
Kill rich people.
I shared this as it’s all of those things.
I promise you that I appreciate your sharing my stuff much more than Domino’s Pizza.
Then the question is, how much (or little) do you appreciate Domino’s Pizza?
Not terribly?
But I meant how appreciative they were of you sharing their content. I doubt their social media marketing team thinks “wow that was really nice of Deanna Herrmann” every time your evil twin likes them on Facebook and then shares their great Tuesday night special on extra-medium large thin style deep pan crust double zone pizzas.
I, on the other hand, do.
Ah, I see. Perfect. I’m not a Dominos fan either, although I don’t live in the U.S. anymore so it’s irrelevant. I am finding that I’m your newest fan. I’m glad people with original thoughts that don’t follow the herd still exist. I strive to be one someday.
I totally agree with this post. Never even thought about Jesus Christ being a hater but I love it. I get frustrated thinking the FB has reduced an entire culture in to a “like” category where we are complacent with either liking something or not, there’s no words involved. We’ve reduced the power of speech to the click of a button. I know this sounds over dramatic, but Orwell has already warned humanity where this goes when language (the power of opinion) is eliminated. So hale to the haters.
I must find a way to include the phrase “love-soaked underwear” more often in my writing. I found this to be a brilliant post. I truly enjoyed it. I would argue that you should just smash your parent’s television right now, don’t even wait for the next commercial. In fact you should just smash every television you see for good measure. I got rid of mine years ago and I’ve never looked back.
I don’t feel stupid but, sad to admit, I do feel utterly powerless. What can I do to change anything?! I find the day-to-day struggle enough of a headache. To challenge “the system” in any meaningful way seems so far outside my realm of possibilities that I don’t entertain the thought. What does that make me? I’d say I was comfortably numb but that would imply I’m comfortable.
That feeling of powerlessness is a good way to keep you inactive. Doing a lot of little things and trying to remain conscious of how you feel is better than nothing. Encourage people to think for themselves and do as many little things as you can. It’s a slippery slope when “what can I do?” sort of lets you do nothing.
You don’t have to get out there an protest every day but at least make some “smart noise” and talk to people about important issues. Don’t support any garbage policy and try to keep yourself informed.
My forms of protest are mostly passive. I don’t have a Facebook or twitter account on purpose. I don’t spend my money on junk entertainment. I, literally, couldn’t identify a Kardisian if she walked up to me on 6th Avenue and bit me in the ass.
I’d say you’re already off to a good start then.
I’m with you, Matt. Trying to stay awake instead of just stop paddling and sink. You make me want to keep paddling.
Haha…. So true! But being a hater makes me the weirdo, the odd-one-out. When I tell people about the flawed Central Bank Monetary System, or the War In Syria, or the removal of Mursi, or when they realize for themselves that I don’t give a shit about the latest iPhone and expensive cars, they are slightly repelled by me and those who don’t understand my gibberish are beginning to ignore me altogether. Pray, what to do then? We have no choice but to live in this idiot society, don’t we? I have to join the masses (and like Pepsi on Facebook) before it’s too late.
I fucking hate Holden Caulfield. Does that make me more or less of a hater?
I think it’s a neutral move but I respect you a lot more.
Reblogged this on The sandbox that is my mind.
Yahoo informed me today that Hayden Panettiere is sporting a baby bump…that was one of their top stories….
Like I give a fuck.
The only culture that is left is garbage culture.