Dog Faces and the Long Process of Dotage

People seem to think that getting old happens overnight but aging is a long arduous process.  You don’t suddenly wake up one morning with this uncontrollable desire to start dolling out hard candies like some sort of juicy mouthed, high trousered, geriatric cliché.  Somewhere in your twenties, you take that first step toward becoming that quivering and confused mass of odd smelling meat you are destined to become.  The pace at which you take this road, however, is entirely up to you.  Some people work hard to get into a boring routine, avoid new experiences, ignore new information and become obsolete by the time they are forty while others apparently manage to somehow stay sharp and spry forever.  While not particularly aged, my parents fall into the latter category but I’ve kept my eyes peeled for even the slightest sign of mental or physical weakness.  I’m not sure if this applies but I recently came across a bag in my their kitchen labeled, “Baby Hair.”  After some light questioning I found out the hair belonged to my youngest nephew.  Now, unless you are collecting ingredients for some kind of magic spell, having baby hair in a bag seems supremely creepy to me.  I was assured that cutting off a baby’s hair for the sole purpose of archiving it was totally acceptable.  However, I remained convinced that collecting a person’s hair is among the creepiest activities imaginable.  Where does this end?  Will teeth and nail clippings be next?  Are they going to construct some sort of grotesque, yet magical, doll?  Why would this even occur in modern times?  Photographs have been around for about two-hundred years now.  I am betting that a snapshot would have been an equally effectual keepsake and would not have creeped me out when I noticed it sitting next to the bagels.  If anyone can recommend a counselor who specializes in blown minds, please forward their information to me.

My mother has begun watching the home shopping channels too.  I’m waiting to see if this is a holiday related phase or the first step in what will result in her becoming an old lady.  There have been a number of exceptionally late nights where I sought a peculiar brand of comedy only available through the magic of infomercials.  With similar senses of humor, perhaps she is seeking the same sort of abstract humor that I do.  Just the other day, one of the hosts unwittingly took a bite of boiling hot stew and lost her composure all over the stage.  The camera cut to a close-up of the pressure cooker but you could still see her running around in the background.  When she finally could speak again, she scolded herself for not being more careful while the co-host asked, “But how did it taste?”

With perfect comedic timing, her response was an overly serious, “Delicious.”

As an unintentional tieback, I’ve noticed a few grey hairs coming in and I am relatively certain that I will someday resemble a bespectacled Reed Richards.  When that time comes, I do not believe I will be dyeing my hair.  Nobody really needs to dye their hair, you’re not really old until you start acting and smelling like it.  This is a major tangent but I’ve always been curious about men that color their hair.  It has to be more common than I realize because there are droves of these products on the market.  They even have dye to color greying beards.  I’ve found that dogs have a similar problem as they get older and their faces go all white.  I bet it wouldn’t be too hard to develop something that worked equally well for important dogs and I could get paid royalties for having the idea.

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38 Responses to Dog Faces and the Long Process of Dotage

  1. Hahaha, that Just 4 Dogs picture is hilarious. Sadly, if you developed a product like that I’m sure someone would buy it to get rid of the white whiskers on their chihuahua. You could probably make millions.

    • Posky says:

      I think you mean “when” I develop a product like that. Not all dogs can age as gracefully as others and, with dogs getting old much quicker than humans, the demand for this product will be insane.

  2. leahkaminsky says:

    Hey, if there are neuticles, then why not doggy dye?

    Doggy dye: because your dying dog deserves color.

  3. Lis says:

    The baby hair in a bag made me think of the little balls of cat fur that keep collecting on my rugs. I have two cats. Male brothers. Willie and Wallace. They shed enough hair to make a ball of fur that could easily be their little kitten brother. I think I should gather their hair up and call it Walter.

    I no longer dye my hair. My hair is now in dye-nial. It refuses to believe I won’t dye it anymore, and so the gray roots are now coming out blondish-white, to compensate. All I can say is, thank god. Cuz now I don’t have to waste money on a dye-job anymore.

    We’re all getting old, Posky. Every day, we’re getting older. At least, body-wise. Mind-wise and spirit-wise, it’s up to us. We can stay young, you know. It IS possible. I believe that loving the colors purple, teal and blue help us stay young. Oh, and pink too. And loving alternative music, too. And moving a lot. That too.

    Okay, now that I’ve given away all my secrets to staying young, I suppose I shall retire now.

    • Posky says:

      I wrote them down. Please inform me if you have any other tips, I have young and old friends that could sure use them.

    • nrhatch says:

      Keep a sense of humor ~ it will keep you young in the midst of the insanity of collecting hair & toe nail clippings (and even dried up umbilical cords).

  4. theonlycin says:

    Nothing wrong with the Ioan Gruffudd version of Reed Richards.

  5. I guess I fall into the creepy category because I have a lock of my grandmother’s hair in a shadow box that hangs in my living room. My teen-aged daughter just mentioned to me that it was “sketch” the other day. (sketch: adj. creepy, out-of-place, just plain wrong)
    My secret for staying young…don’t look in the mirror.

    • Posky says:

      I don’t know if it’s weird to have an intimate reminder of someone who is gone, but it seems odd to do it for a baby that is vibrant and full of life.

      You can look in the mirror. Unless that photo is an outlier for your average attractiveness, you’re doing quite well for yourself.

  6. Collecting baby hair is creepy, but I do know it happens. I love the infomercial story – I never thought of going to those channels for comedy, but maybe I will. Great post, posky. Cheers.

    • Posky says:

      You kind of have to wait for a while for something funny to happen but, when it does, it’s always worth the wait. I like to write, draw, or chat with friends while it plays in the background.

  7. kpurkiss says:

    I loves me some puns. Especially ruff ones. ;)

  8. suzicate says:

    Ha, I places a snippet of first haircuts in an envelope in both my kids baby books…however, my friend went even creepier…whe saved the dried umbilical cords!

  9. zoesays says:

    So I’m not crazy and dogs definitely get gray as they get old. Your comic cracked me up with the woman who burned her mouth. I’m not old but I have appreciated an occasional home shopping experience once or twice. I even have a draft of a blog post about this very subject. You may be spurning me to turn it into a full-on post.

    I think that if a man dyes his hair, he should dye his beard. And vice versa. But one shouldn’t go without the other.

  10. Not sure what this has to do with anything, but about 12 years ago, I had major spinal surgery. When I came out of the hospital, I spent three weeks in a recliner chair in a narcotic haze. I had QVC on the TV around the clock. I had a phone in one hand and my credit card in the other. Everything they talked about seemed amazing. And I ordered a lot of it.

    • Posky says:

      It proves that home shopping becomes more appealing as our mental capacity lessens. I’ve been drunk and thought I absolutely had to have a blender before. I’m just glad my willpower prevailed because that was three easy payments of $33.13 that i would have rather have not made.

  11. milieus says:

    The dog on your doggy-dye is adorable. You need to draw dogs more often.

  12. Artswebshow says:

    Oh, earlier this morning i felt a draft.
    Isn’t that a sign of getting old?

  13. fnkybee says:

    Lets see how do I want to creep you out first? Hmm…. I kept a lock of hair from my son and my daughter with intent to put it in their baby books…it is still in the foil in a drawer, that is creepy. I think I did it just because I was under the impression that every mom must do this seeing that when I first had my son’s hair cut my mom told me “make sure you keep a lock of hair!”. Okie dokie. Here’s the big one…be ready to be creeped. After my mom passed away, my sister and I were going through one of her desks and I came across a little yellow pocket envelope that had my name on it. I opened it up, put up my hand and poured the contents into my palm. What was I holding you ask? All of my baby teeth! EWWWW! But this is where I must check my sanity..I put them all back in the envelope and placed it in the box of keepsakes to bring home. I put them in my desk where they stayed until the next time I cleaned it out and when I came across the envelope I became grossed out again and threw them away. I am sure my kids are going to be devastated that I did not keep them to pass down to them.
    Happy Creepiness!

    • Posky says:

      A bag full of teeth just seems hilarious to me. I would have probably laughed myself into the grave and then people would be keeping my hair.

      I think the fact that the hair was by the food and labeled as “baby hair” upset me more than anything. It’s nice to have something from someone you’ve loved and lost but this baby isn’t going anywhere. It seems weird to start collecting it’s hair.

      Great comment.

  14. Men who are starting to get gray hair look distinguished. I bet it looks good.

  15. rtcrita says:

    “No more old dog white face.” Indeed! Do you think dogs know their faces have turned to looking old and white? I bet they look at the other dogs and go, “Well, I know I CAN’T possibly look as old as Rover over there next door! He looks twice my age!” And will the ones that do use the Doggie “WHITE-BE-GONE” ( I want 10% of the profits if you use that name.) get talked about by the other dogs? Like, “Look at old Charlie over there. He thinks just because he uses that doggie dye he’s some kind of young pup or something! What a fool!” And all the bitches will be mocking poor old Charlie behind his back. “C’mon girls. Let’s go tease old Charlie and make him think we really want some of that so we can get some free drinks at the bar!”

    Those dogs have a heck of a life, don’t they?

    • Posky says:

      Well it is “a dog’s life.”

      Although, my dog just eats and sleeps and hangs out and plays with me all day. It’s pretty sweet.

  16. bschooled says:

    Haha! This entire post is comedy gold.

    Believe it or not, I’m pretty sure I saw that same infomercial.

  17. pattypunker says:

    wanting someone’s blood is hot and erotic, but hair? the fuck?

    i like it ruff. er … i mean “never look ruff again.” that’s what i like.

    cool drawings, posky.

  18. LOL…haven’t seen a more smug-looking Dog-face in a long time! I think you’ll make a lot of money from hair-dye for pooches!! Although personally I think a sliver-haired pooch is more desirable than a silver-haired man, unless the man owns the pooch and has deep pockets.

  19. Would never dye my hair now at 61. I have, however, identified the “tipping point” when veins of white hair transform you from distinguished looking to undesirably aged. As a bachelor it becomes apparent when the only time a woman may sit next to you is on the bus or in a church pew.

  20. nursemyra says:

    “You’re not really old until you start smelling like it”

    That’s got my vote for quote of the day

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