Digital Gravidness: What Not To Expect When Someone Is Expecting

If you’re anything like me, you’ve been thinking a lot about pregnant women.  It is actually pretty unavoidable what with all the rampant pregnancy on, and offline, right now.  It’s sort of hard to know what to do with it.  I love children but don’t always know what to do with babies or the people about to have them.  This is, of course, entirely dependent upon our relationship with the mother to be, so it’s hard to take a stand on the phenomenon of documenting a pregnancy online.  We all seem to be fluxing between the most sincere congratulations and quiet underwhelming disgust.  I do not entirely understand what possesses a person to photograph themselves becoming progressively fuller of baby meat.  It sort of reminds me of a middle school science project about plant growth.  It’s still pretty interesting, but also a little redundant.  We all know what to expect.  Very rarely do we see a series of pregnancy photos where the expectant mother suddenly starts to mysteriously slim down, change color or speak in tongues and, if they do, it’s normally very bad news.  So the best we can hope for is business as usual.  Despite every single person’s deepest desires, we all know that a swelling gut isn’t going to pay off with a hilarious explosion, glitter and a parachuting infant.  Childbirth is, unquestionably, horrifyingly magical.  Anyone who has seen one mammal exit another and take its first few breaths of air usually ends up a little awestruck.  However the months leading up to it are pretty boring, unless you’re the one with a tiny person lounging around inside of you.

What I would really like to see is someone go that extra mile and document the pregnancy from conception to excretion.  That would help to make up for the dull bits that we always get to see.  I support people sharing sonograms, but fourteen dozen photographs taken in front of the mirror with your shirt pulled up just seems like something to do when you’re really bored.  Honestly, it doesn’t seem fair to showcase a growing belly and then not show the aftermath.  Some people miraculously seem to come off undamaged though and I get genuinely curious.  But I’d love to see that photo where she’s in the same pose and the stomach looks like a stained deflated basketball.

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32 Responses to Digital Gravidness: What Not To Expect When Someone Is Expecting

  1. Edwina says:

    Postnatal stomach is disgusting, believe me. People are much better off not sharing as no-one would have babies, if they knew what it was going to do to their stomach, especially if you throw a c-section into the mix too.

  2. “We all seem to be fluxing between the most sincere congratulations and quiet underwhelming disgust.”

    made me laugh. its so true. and the worst part is I’ve started to do both. Like a liar.

  3. When I had my first baby, it was like some freaky alien hijacked my body and took me for a joyride. I think it was hormone-related. I was under the influence of some serious brain-altering hallucinogen. I did and said all kinds of things I’d never dream of doing then, one day, I caught myself mid-sentence and realized what I had become. I can’t even watch the videos we took of her first couple years because I sound like some manic, whacked-out nutjob.

  4. dearmaroon says:

    Oh man, I was so happy to read this. Unless you were in the same sex ed class as those women on those “I didn’t know I was pregnant until a baby showed up in my toilet” daytime talk shows, most people are pretty familiar with how pregnancy is gonna look: Christina Hendricks up top, Santa on the bottom.

  5. The boobs on your women need to be 3 x that size

  6. Byron says:

    Adopting is looking better and better as the years go by. You get to help a kid, keep your body, and not add to the staggering population growth.

  7. I didn’t post pictures of my pregnancy because the internet was not invented back then. However my tummy still looks like the last picture. Do you want me to take a picture of IT and send it to you? :-P

  8. Vilipend says:

    I always admire the courage of that cat. It goes through some rough patches but it always barely finds a way to hang in there.

  9. prenin says:

    I’ve officiated at one birth and seen my God daughter and her siblings go through their multiple pregnancies only to see grandmother Pat turned into a free babysitter/carer! :)

    Given it’s the job I used to do for Pat’s four kids (I looked after a total of 42, not including the kids at the youth club) I am happy to sit back and blame my paranoid schizophrenia for not being able to look after any more kids!!! LoL!!!

    Funny thing is that all three of the girls regained their original figure within six months of giving birth – as did Pat, so I have to say it’s genetic! :)

    Oddly they don’t have any photographs of the pregnancies, just of the result – and I took most of them!!! :)

    God Bless!


  10. Jeff Mazurek says:

    My wife and I decided to forgo taking pictures of her belly over the course of 9 months or so. I did take a picture of her asleep the day after delivering, however. Nothing scary about it. She was back in most all her pre-pregnancy wardrobe in less than a couple of weeks.

    I don’t know if that’s luck so much as it has to do with her amazing eating habits. She had a month or so of craving peaches. How harmless is that?

    • Posky says:

      Not very. I would speculate that you’re wife’s above average fitness has to have something to do with her body’s resilience.

      We all know people that seem fit and healthy and go through motherhood looking as beautiful as when they went in. …but we also know those who aren’t so lucky. The human body is a mystery.

  11. drawandshoot says:

    Oh be careful what you ask for…

    • Posky says:

      I’d honestly be interested. It’s not the pregnancies that I’m tired of, it’s the same mundane photos I always see standing in front of the mirror– repetition with no sense or artistry.

  12. Spectra says:

    “we all know that a swelling gut isn’t going to pay off with a hilarious explosion, glitter and a parachuting infant.”
    Oh, would I jut love to see that video :D

  13. asoulwalker says:

    Wow… that was awesome.

  14. u r diven to b brutally honest i see, which has been to all our delight and pleasure to share, but this time… really?

    • Posky says:

      I’m genuinely curious and I feel like it’s only fair to follow through with the documentation of a pregnancy. I want an epilogue.

      • the question is, how much time in one’s postpartum self is considered postpartum. i’m happy to point my arthritic and wrinkling finger at the flabby front of me and my compatriots to it any day any time.

  15. You took the words right out of my mouth :) It certainly is the time for babies – and it scares the hell out of me! Well said. And yes, forward that parachuting infant video on if you could.

  16. “conception to excretion” – at first seems bizarrely funny but too many people actually grow up to be a piece of crap.

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