The problem with drinking is that the better of an idea it seems to be, the less likely that is probably the case. I have spent roughly a decade partying responsibly but, lately, drinking hasn’t been quite as much fun for me. This is probably because nobody wants to be the sleepy drunk. Sure, it’s all well and good to go out and get hammered when you’ve had twelve hours of sleep and woke up at noon but that’s not going to be an option for some of the phases of your life. I notice that after that third martini, there is a fifty-fifty chance that I will start contemplating how satisfying it would be to just go to bed and wake up early.
However, it seems that a lot of my peers are managing to ride the night out screaming their booze scented words into countless dimly lit rooms without any problems. Meanwhile, I have repeatedly caught myself complaining about the loudness of music like some cantankerous old man. I’m not sure if I am getting old or if I just hate the bar scene in New York City. In New York most of the drinking establishments are crowded, loud and, after eleven, inexplicably transform into clubs. When I show up I just waltz in but, by the time I leave, there is a slew of bouncers at the door and a velvet rope. Why would I want to wait in a line to go into this loud and crowded darkened void where I have to yell to talk and be subjected to expensive cocktails and awful music? I might as well line up for getting kicked in the groin but there are actually clubs where you can do that already, and I don’t want to go to them either. I would be a terrible club owner because the first thing I’d think once a lot of people start showing up is “this place was a lot cooler before all of these other idiots showed up.”
I’m more of a pub or a lounge person anyway. If there isn’t a live show, dancing to be done, and I’m not on some sort of colossal drug binge, I don’t see the point of being assaulted with music and forced to stand up while having to squeeze by completely sober bouncers who are even less excited to be there than I am. It is nice to at least have the option to sit down somewhere and attempt to have a conversation with another human being. It’s not as if I have completely fallen out of love with drinking. I still like having a few stiff drinks, enjoy mixing cocktails and will occasionally still invent a new one if the mood takes me.
Maybe I’m just getting old, maybe alcohol just isn’t enough to take the edge off anymore, or maybe I’ve seen one too many people I know become drunks or do an exorbitant number of stupid things. Being drunk often becomes a really good way to mitigate yourself of any wrongdoing. I have heard drinking used as an excuse for the following actions:
Going to the bathroom on the floor
Adultery
Beating your child
Driving too fast
Having sex with an ugly person
Pissing their pants
Going to the bathroom onto an electronic device
Jumping into an empty pool
Fighting
Saying something racist
Destroying property
Crashing a motorcycle
Setting themselves on fire
Blowing up a shed
Getting their hair caught in a doorstop during coitus
Getting lost in their hometown
Falling asleep on a roof
Falling asleep while smoking a cigarette
Falling asleep on the toilet
Falling asleep during coitus
Defecating into a crock-pot and turning it on
Tongue kissing a dog for six straight minutes
Gaining a bunch of weight
Telling someone that they’ve always hated them
Telling someone that they’ve always loved them
Marriage
And trying to play a DVD in a VHS player.
This isn’t a plea to have everyone stop drinking. Alcohol serves many purposes. It helps to bring down social barriers, allows an intelligent person to enjoy the company of idiots and helps show the true character of most people. I endorse experiences and whatever brand of lifestyle that makes you the happiest. It is, however, important to get the most out of your drinking time without taking it for granted. Don’t allow being drunk to trick you into doing something that wouldn’t otherwise be any fun. You don’t have to go to a club to be drunk. You can be drunk on a walk or with your loved ones at home. You can sing, write, dance while drunk. You can be drunk at the movies or on a bus or even at a fancy dinner. Enjoy the experience as if you were sober, then give yourself the option to be wasted. Life is much more interesting that way. Can you imagine telling a first date that you went to the museum drunk because you already enjoyed it so much while abstaining from alcohol? They are going to think that you’re so classy that you won’t be able to talk them out of a second date even if you wanted to. That level of control is way too sexy for them to ignore.
You Monsters Are People. 
You make a good point. That thing about going out and getting drunk when it’s actually a TERRIBLE IDEA™ hit something for me—I can totally relate. Funny thing about it was that right after I began to lose my taste for the alcohol itself, I started enjoying the flavor of beer.
But during all that I also got a good look at people who’d just crossed that line that separates the “I just need a little something to take the edge off” from “rampant alcoholic.” That was when I went cold turkey. (Also, a few essential-to-not-winding-up-hospitalized meds that would screw my insides into a knot if I have anything stronger than what’s in a spoon of vanilla extract helped with that.) Now the taste of alcohol makes me go “Yeeugh.”
Which isn’t a bad thing. Helped me realize if it takes being raving drunk to enjoy a place, it’s probably not really somewhere I want to be.
Dude, go ahead be the old man. I know that we used to party like a boss only a few years ago. Remember that night we ran outa booze and all we had was that shit that was illegal to sell in the States? “Straight out the damn bottle”.
I looked it up and, in Pennsylvania, you have to sign a waiver that you won’t drink it. I guess it’s flat out illegal in over a third of the other states and most of Canada. That stuff was so potent that it took any and all moisture you had right out of your mouth in an instant. Still, I have no regrets about it. We were legitimately enjoying ourselves, nobody got sick or hurt and we always had some great adventures.
I think this all has to do less with becoming an old man and just feeling like it in this stage of my life. My world isn’t really particularly accommodating these days, but I’m working on that too.
I’m not saying don’t get drunk, I’m saying don’t waste the drunk or let it be your boss.
The last three sentences of this post are worthy of applause. Hand-clapping in progress.
~ Chris
I am sooo with you on the bar scene. Especially now that I have my own house, it’s like, why would I pay 4 times as much to drink and socialize with my friends in a place where I can’t hear them and have to wait on line for the bathroom?!
And I swear it’s not because I just turned 30. I’ve always been 80 at heart ;)
The Philadelphia Art Museum is free on Sundays and I have a variety of flasks and liquors. You have inspired me to finally touch a Van Gogh…
I have come to the conclusion that day drinking is where it’s at. It’s much less creepy than drinking at night.
This is great. I had a strict upbringing – only got drunk twice in my life and that was at the age of 21ish – then didn’t have a drop to drink for almost 16 years. Now at the ripe old age of 39 I enjoy a cocktail now and then. I get a little loopy and sometimes I convince myself that the things I write while imbibing are brilliant – of course the next day reveals that truth of that. And yes, I’m with you on the pub/lounge scene – much nicer…
First of all, I like your art. Secondly, I must say that as I approach my thirties I have noticed a physical difference to the way my body deals with the consumption of too much alcohol. Its not as easy to drink a fifth and some beers, then wake up. Aside from all of that, there is time. Time no longer permits me to indulge in superfluous acts of debauchery. The responsibilities of the adult life are constantly there to remind me that I have no business debilitating myself.
So all in all,l I agree with you. The bar/club scene is outrageous for the intellectual pursuit of conversation. Honestly, when did you ever see two people in a discussion about the philosophical repercussions of Chinese rule of the global market while sucking down jager bombs and grinding on strangers?
Nice one Mr. Posky. Relevant and funny :)
Glad you like the pictures, feel free to peruse my older stuff.
I think it’s because, after 24, your body starts to die. Most people look their best before that age because, after that, your cells start breaking down and you start to stink. Smell a 21 year old and then go and smell a 31 year old. You’ll notice what I’m talking about.
Honestly I think it all has to do with the sort of lifestyle you live.
As long as you can still have an intelligent conversation, drunk or otherwise, with a person in a public space. You’ll have still made the right choice.
Science says that women look their best at 31.
And then it’s all downhill from there.
I have heard that 80% of current inmates were high or drunk while committing the offense for which they have be incarcerated. Of that many were so high or in a black out they could not remember the particular offense they committed.
That’s another thing to add to the list.
I don’t know why your use of “coitus” amuses me so much here but it does. I’m not sure how old you are but I am well into the age where the clubs are not my scene, the music is too loud, and the people are stupider than ever (or my lack of drinking now just shows what I couldn’t see when intoxicated back then).
Thanks for the laughs. I needed it.
I think coitus amuses everyone.
Come back anytime.
Well, now I have to go to a museum drunk. Funny post.
This was great! I totally agree with the seemless shift between one day going out partying hard even night, to suddenly falling asleep after a few drinks (hopefully not at the bar, however I’ve been guitly)… the crazy crowded, loud clubs annoy the hell outta me these day and I’m much rather prefer a quiet Irish pub with some pool or dart where I can actually hear the person I’m talking to instead of just nodding in confused agreement….
I like your writing… it’s fun, witty and very entertaining. Thanks for the insight! I’ll be back!
You’re right, I am a pretty great writer.
Honestly I never really dug the club scene. Even when I was nineteen I didn’t feel like it was the sort of place I wanted to spend much of my time. Not a lot has changed but I do notice that I lose a bit of pep when I work a standard week.
Very good. I think you should have a conversation about this blog post next time you’re out drinking ;) Let us know how it goes.
It’s rather astonishing getting older. Drinking really isn’t the same. I guess it’s sort of nice to hear someone else say it. Also, I don’t trust younger people very much and they definitely don’t trust me. What the hell happened? It makes me want to crawl backward into my clamshell and not ever talk to anyone. Dammit, approaching thirty is way scarier than puberty was. Nobody holds your hand through your late twenties. Sigh.
Drinking can still feel the same but it won’t all of the time. You can still have those great nights of adventure, flirting and fun that you did when you were 21 but the novelty of the drink should have worn off at this point unless you started late. I think the same old same old just doesn’t quite pass mustard anymore.
Don’t let any of it get you down. Time is always fleeting but with the right attitude we can age without becoming unattractive or closed minded. You are still young, smart and gorgeous- none of that is going to change any time soon. Don’t be fooled into giving up some of your vibrancy just because life has changed. Feeling like you can still change the world will continue to make all the difference in your life, I promise. There are still great deeds to be done and adventures to be had– we just have to build up some momentum again.
I have an alcoholic as a neighbour so I have all the best reasons in the world NOT to get hammered!!! :)
Great post my friend!
Prenin.
1, 2, 3, 4, 6, 11, 14, 16, 18, 19, 20, 24, 25.
Booze bores me.
Great post!
And good to have you back in the blogosphere too :)
A humorous view on drinking! I love this post!
OMG God Posky we are SO on the same page this day! Well, I’m not sure if I’m taking you too straight, given theslysilverfox’ comment – a humorous view on drinking???!!
I just recently – talking less than a month ago, started a VIDEO DIARY, not written words, oh no, of me getting off alcohol. The impetus was truly my son’s complaints that I black out about three nights a week. I ALWAYS go to work (I actually never get hangovers – NEVER – don’t know what’s wrong with me or is it because I’m Polish-Irish… and then AGAIN I’d have to wonder what’s wrong with me! :)
But seriously, my FIRST video shows my son filming me drunk and I can’t thank him enough, I truly can’t. So I took the shame of my ugliness (he has also commented how ugly drunk girls are at parties, spewing, legless – he’s 16, does marital arts 5 days a week, eats a f*ken LOAD, and I often don’t eat meat, just to compensate. But while I ALWAYS paid all the bills, ALWAYS gave what he needed, well guess what, I knew I had lost it with alcohol. I NEEDED IT TO SLEEP. It is 3.02 am in Melbourne Australia right now & I am suffering insomnia due to alcohol withdrawal (google it).
But doing this video diary is really having me contemplate some things, & in it I tell what I’m doing to overcome. YOUR LIST OF EXCUSES FOR WHAT PEOPLE DO WHEN DRUNK is spot on – so I really don’t get where that person’s comment about your “hilarious” post is coming from… or have I jumped at this because it speaks to me now.
So far I have videoed ‘Days Without Alcohol – 1 (which starts with my son’s horrible footage of me)
Days Without Alcohol – 2
Days Without Alcohol – 3
Days Without Alcohol – Should be 4 but back to 1
DWA -1
DWA -2
DWA-3 (that one I posted today).
I’m just an average mother, single, of one never stops eating boy, but creatively expressing myself always helps.
If perchance you wanted to see what I say, why I do, what I reflect, my 2nd blog is http://www.VodkaWasMyMuse.wordpress.com . The first post is an intro, type of, by way of a piece titled ‘IF A LEOPARD CAN’T CHANGE ITS SPOTS, HOW CAN AN ALCOHOLIC STOP DRINKING?’ and then all the rest are videos. I like making wee films.
So if I’m not off my nut & you really are making a social comment here, you may be interested. Alternatively, if you think it’s funny we get away with so much on that list because of drinking and this is all just a scream, sorry to be so enthusiastic!
But either way, I enjoyed the read. Good one, Posky :) N’n.
I will absolutely look into your videos.
I can’t presume to know what’s best for people but I do feel like, drunk or sober, we should remain accountable for our actions. Not everyone is at their best when they are drinking and some people can be at their absolute worst. It’s worth taking a moment to step back and consider that objectively. Drinking can be a great way to alter states, relax or enjoy time with friends but it can also be a great way to waste time, avoid problems and excuse behavior. Drink if you want to drink, just don’t let it get out of control. That’s really all I had to say about the subject- it’s a coin with two sides and I’d hate to see it get the best of people.
Posky, I be honoured if you found the moment to do. It is a genuine challenge to me, yet I want to show people (something about me – if you’re going to suffer life, make something of it/learn by it, then share it, because you can bet your arse [some] people will relate.
I agree drinking can be a great way to alter states etc, HOWEVER, SOMEHOW (& I think this is when the alcoholic gene reveals itself) in the past year, literal year, “something happened”. I would start with a glass to relax while cooking my son’s dinner and wake up and it’s the next day (i.e. black out) – and I HAVE driven drunk, to get more (& I thank God… well, who else can I thank?!… OK, I thank Posky!) that I wasn’t caught, and I have GENUINELY run down the stairs of the flat to see where I parked my car, to see if it had a dent, to see if I had knocked anyone over. I have a great and very sober wish never to kill a person. There was one Indian student visitor to Australia (I wonder if they drive opposite side of the road in India) but he said (in court) he swerved to avoid a cat, meanwhile mowing down two students – one an international visitor whose parents had to be told their child, with visions of a great life OS, was now dead. He was over the limit, maybe had a low tolerance, who knows what. But that’s only one story. A mother crossing a CROSSWALK with a baby in the pram was knocked down by a drunk driver, & witnesses said “the baby & pram flung through the air” – FUCK.
So because “something happened” (my father’s side is Irish, v alcoholic/my mother Polish and just plain old hard drinkers, imbued & still talking straight & with high tolerance) – & because my son was getting so disgusted with me, telling me I black out about 3 nights a week (after cooking dinner, seeing to duties: dishes, ironing, then retreating to my room ‘ah, at last I can be alone) – BECAUSE OF THAT, I am making the change. You will see in my first video my son has filmed me drunk. This foul piece of a mother blurry eyed and her son asking “So what’s this journey you’re on, this journey of giving up alcohol?” it was SO choice, it had to be shown. The base ugliness of it had to be shown.
And the joyous overcome has to be shown too ;)
Gotta say, this post is the most I’ve ever seen you respond. Quite the subject then, hey.
Noeleen
http://www.VodkaWasMyMuse.wordpress.com / http://www.WordsFallFromMyEyes.wordpress.com
Some of those excuses are downright disturbing. For reals.
Sometimes I feel like there might be something wrong with me because going out and getting drunk like other people my age is really just time I’d rather spend watching The Haunted on Discovery ID. It just takes too much effort, you know? All that drinking and drinking and drinking when you’re not even really thirsty.
Although I do have a go at it at least once a year to the delight of my close friends. I suspect they’d have me drunk more often if I they could. Apparenly I’m ‘fun’ (which I think just means I’m less of an asshole). :)
I’m not going to endorse that you go out and get drunk seven days a week, but I must insist that you leave your house and stop watching The Haunted so often. That’s inexcusable… however I have never actually seen the show.
I’m the same way. Swap from beer to mixed drinks and cocktails if you want to avoid having to drink a lot.
Yesss, thank goodness I’m not the only one that feels like I’m wearing an invisible crocheted shawl and carry an invisible cane that I hit people with when they start doing stupid things under the guise of alcohol. Your list of actions justified is hilarious. :)
“Tongue kissing a dog for six straight minutes” … eeeew!
I’ve seen it happen, as did my best friend. To this day he still claims it was one of the funniest things he has ever seen.
My problem has always been the things done sober–like racing trains to cross the tracks early on a cold winter morning when not wanting to wait for train to pass.
Btw, the crockpot—-ewwwwwwwwwwwwww!
So it’s too bad that you’re living in New York now because I was actually in Detroit this past weekend. Also, from what you’re saying, I suppose that, when I went to the Henry Ford Museum, I should’ve showed up drunk…just imagine how sexy that would’ve been.
I love that museum. It’d probably be great drunk.
Also I am very sad that I missed a golden opportunity.
A golden opportunity to see me drunk?? Not sure you should be sad about that…
Yeah, I spent about 5 hours at that museum. I read and saw absolutely everything I possibly could! It was great. But what’s with the crazy drivers in Detroit?? I mean, in Toronto, we drive fast and furious, but I was totally shocked when I crossed the boarder and saw that people were forging new “roads” up the grassy hills on the sides of the highways, in order to get to other actual roads…all in an attempt to avoid the 10 minute wait to get through construction. What is up with that??
Crazy Michigan-ites…. (<—is that what you're called? I dunno. You're all nuts.) ;)
Michiganders.
There is perpetual highway construction and it really frustrates people. It never ends and all projects take years to finish for some reason. So everyone tends to opt out in any way they can. I’m also pretty sure that a lot of highways are only lightly patrolled anyway and the police don’t really seem to mind unless you’re going well above 80mph or you appear to have driven off the road unintentionally. Detroit’s police force is even more lenient because they have real crime to deal with. Traffic is a low priority. The rule is you can probably get away with going through a red light right in front of a cop if you stop and look both ways. They just don’t seem to care unless you’re really being dangerous. I’ve gotten tickets for speeding in the past but never in Detroit. The worst I ever got was “Hey we thought you might be drunk because you were speeding pretty heavily, but since you aren’t drunk you can go. Have a good night.”
Hey…sorry, your reply thread met its cut-off, so I have to leave another comment like this…
Yeah, I wanted to ask you about the red lights. I mean, I saw traffic lights and all, but it was ALWAYS just flashing yellow and no one ever stopped, so I kept driving through too. To be honest, I’m afraid to stop at a light or stop sign in Detroit…a little ridiculous? Probably, but my Toronto-driving abilities are no match for Detroit. ;)
And, you’re right; I’m sure the police officers have much more important crime to focus on than drivers. It’s really quite sad.
Still, even in light of all of that, all of the Michiganders that I met were really nice. :)
Being scared of a place is not going to make you any safer in it. Detroit isn’t quite the wild west and some parts are actually very nice. And vehicular crime is comparatively low anyway, it’s all about shootings, drugs and robberies.
I love Michigan but am required to take it with all of its faults. I’m glad you visited and, again, very sorry to have moved. Check out Ann Arbor or some of the rural bits the next time you get a chance. They are a different world.
Yeah, you’re right – it wasn’t that bad. I mean, there were some crazy people, but there are crazy people EVERYWHERE, so how is Detroit different, right? And although I saw some run-down buildings, there were also some really nice places too.
I may have to go back again in the next month or so, so I’ll let you know where else I visit. Too bad you weren’t still there, Posky!
I try to visit often. Michigan is still a large part of my my genesis.
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If I met you in a lounge-y place, I think we would have a good chat.
Make it happen.
Great post!
But a small plea…please do not get drunk and go to a museum. I work in one. The visitors are trouble enough without being intoxicated! :P
I would be a pleasure to encounter drunk or sober.
I cannot attest to what other people might be like. I urge everyone to respect the rules of the museum.
I’ve always loved breakfast… I guess I’ll have my next one drunk.
I say, there is nothing sexier than getting your hair caught in a door stop mid coitus, drunk OR stone cold sober… I’ve never been a huge drinker and nobody wants to be friends with someone who’s pissed themselves or vomited on someone else. Much nicer to have a jovial drunken conversation than having some strange man grinding on you (icky), which is why I’ve been to a club a total of two times in my life!
As long as I’m clear of the mess, I’d be friends with that person.
Probably not good friends though.