It’s easy to be envious of another person’s good looks but remember that, with a scalpel and a little moxie, you can take that away from them forever. But, perhaps, the more productive path to take involves building an interesting and likable personality to round out an impressive skill set. I could name a dozen hideous Harvard attendees that went on to be incredibly successful adults that became even less attractive than they already were- but I know that you already know exactly who I’m talking about. These people did just fine without even a whisper of physical beauty and all it took was an ivy league education, wealthy and/or well connected families, and enough prescription amphetamines to keep them up and studying for days on end until they invent Facebook.
But wealth is never going to make you happy like being gorgeous and stupid will. Have you ever been to a party and noticed all of the beautiful people dancing, partying and going home with other beautiful people for sex? Of course you have. Do you know why they do that? Because they don’t know any better. There are three ways to have fun at a party: you can be drunk, you can be crazy, or you can be dumb and hot. The only difference is that being stupid and pretty sort of spills over into everyday life. Here are some facts: Breaking up with an attractive person is sadder than breaking up with unattractive person. Being attractive makes people more likely to trust you. People who look better have higher self-esteem and get sick less often.
That seems crazy but, the truth is, I only made up one of those facts. Still, it’s not solely a bed of roses for the beautiful people of the world. For most, there is a lot of maintenance that goes into the upkeep of one’s physical appearance. I know that, by Sunday night, I’ve sort of given up on even looking vaguely not crazy.
But, come Monday morning, I always find myself suckered into light grooming by society.
I am in the minority of people because I know what it’s like to be, both, attractive and ugly. As a child, my good looks were other worldly. How I was never molested is completely beyond me. Then, as I got older, my looks slowly dried up and died like a baby bird on a hot sidewalk. I got glasses, my adult teeth adjusted in a manner that closely resembled Bugs Bunny, my hair became a greasy tangled mass that jutted out in odd directions, and I started to get acne. By the time I entered my early teens, I was fighting back with braces and cool framed spectacles but I was still far from pretty. If it weren’t for my sense of humor, the list of names I made in high school of people’s butts I had touched would have only contained my own. But the real damage didn’t come from being unattractive, but from believing it.
Everyone has their dream girl and, in high school, mine was named Nichole. She was my friend and, outside of a few wet-willies and random flirting, we kept it pretty much strictly amicable. I was okay with that at the time. However, looking back, I can’t think of another person that I spoke to on a daily basis that I thought was funnier, smarter or more beautiful. After graduating I realized that had I thought a bit more of myself, I would have probably made a more valiant effort to make her mine. The man she married is a good guy with lots to offer but I would not argue that he is particularly handsome. In fact, he may have the smallest teeth I have ever seen outside of a cat’s mouth. Perhaps, had I had the self confidence then that I do now, I could have made something happen.
This anecdote isn’t meant to highlight how much I wish things had worked out differently, because I don’t. Things worked out fine for me and, for all I know, she might beat her husband savagely, which probably isn’t nearly as hot as it sounds. The point is that thinking you’re ugly is going to do way more damage than actually being some hideous freak. As an adult you can be ugly and still be cool, talented and personable. With the right attitude and style, it won’t even matter that your normal face is a little scary. Before you know it people will start describing it as “striking” or “crammed with character.”
I have been told that, like some teens, I developed into a pretty normal looking adult. I might even go so far as to say “sinisterly handsome.” And, after I started to believe that, it changed how I lived my life. Things got much better and, before I knew it, I had the opportunity to ruin a string of relationships with very intelligent and attractive women. However, my attractiveness is bound to peak soon if it hasn’t already. Every moment I’m not living the champagne, or Champale, life is a moment I’m losing forever. It’s just hard to get away from the computer screen sometimes.