I would apologize for my long absence from the internet but I was taking a working vacation in order to further enhance future majesty for your eyes, ears and, if you’re lucky, mouths. I was forced to spend the last couple of weeks working in my home state of Michigan. Upon returning to New York City, I found the following taped up all over the inside of a subway car. The image has been edited to omit the phone numbers of, potentially, innocent parties.
I’m not sure whether this is a personal ad or a cry for help, but I’m leaning to the latter. They make it very clear that they are only interested in one night stands with females exclusively and then make everything else as confusing as humanly possible. I am unsure if the locations listed are places they are willing to have sex or spots that they would like to go on dates prior to having sex and then never speaking to you again. Judging from the aggressive misuse of upper and lower case letters, these could just as easily be venues for your grizzly murder to take place. I’ve seen the handwriting of a serial killer before and this is definitely it. I thought about calling the numbers, but was positive that the person on the other end would never hear me over all of the tortured screams and cries for help filling the background.
Were the list of fast food restaurants followed with the word “bathroom” and not “date” I would be better prepared to understand exactly what this person is offering. I have heard of sex in a McDonald’s bathroom, but I have never in my entire life heard of a “Subway Date.” I’m not saying that people don’t go to these places on dates, I’m just saying that nobody calls them that because you wouldn’t take them seriously afterward. I’m also left to wonder what a cigarette meet date would entail. It takes roughly five minutes to smoke a cigarette so that doesn’t give either party a lot of time to get to know each other. Unless the term cigarette meet refers to some sort of smoking competition where you can watch the worlds best smokers go butt to butt, I’m not interested.
Perhaps my favorite piece of this puzzle is the line alluding to the faintest possibility of romance, as if a one night stand wasn’t already romantic enough. What if, while going from the library to the book store on their walk date, it gets a little romantic? Is the person still bound to their oath of “hit it and quit it?”
All of these confusing signs can be summed up with one of two possibilities. Either this person is a prepubescent child, which is cute, or they are some insane adult, which is less cute.
“Cake and ice cream date” points to them being eight while “soda date” points to them being, at least, sixty. We don’t live in an age of malt shops, chocolate sodas and two straws for one glass anymore. How a child would even know about a soda date is well beyond me.
Anyway, I guess it’s good to be back and I still think this is infinitely better than online dating websites.