This might not be news for the entirety of the human race, but not everybody can have a cute baby. If I had to be honest, I would say that some babies are about as cute as a truck stop bathroom. Further upsetting is how most parents seem to have this innate ability to believe that their child’s heinous appearance is actually one of considerable beauty. If you’re the sort of person who is into prayer and is even considering having a child, pray for a sexy baby because you’ll never know if it’s ugly and nobody else is going to ever tell you. In fact, most close friends and relatives will probably automatically assume your child is as cute as a button for the first few months. I recently met a newborn conceived by two of my closest allies and I assumed it was adorable, but was it really? Did I forfeit my objectivity because of some personal attachment I already had? I can’t be sure, and that genuinely scares me.
The ratio of ugly babies to cute ones is about one in three and these unsightly babies seem to be evenly distributed around the world. You would assume that most of them would be in orphanages and living on the street but they are just as likely to be kept by their parents as an attractive child, further proving my theories on parental blindness to infantile repugnancy. That should not suggest that I completely endorse the abandonment of children, even if the abandonment is based on their level of attractiveness. It just seems that, if parents were aware of how monstrously grotesque their offspring can be, a larger percentage of homely children would end up for sale somewhere. That not being the case, I have to assume that looks are becoming less important in society or that people are just oblivious to their troll-like appearance.
Since I’m not about to suggest something crazy, like our culture no longer places a stigma on being severely unattractive, my single hypothesis for the reasons behind this phenomenon are directly tied to the very survival of our species. If our genes make it impossible to identify ugliness in our offspring, that might have kept our ancestors from leaving their ghastly youngsters in the woods or dumping them into a river. This would have been an invaluable trait for prehistoric humans and seems to explain some modern day parental behavior. Every long and boring conversation you have ever had with a coworker about their children’s successes is the modern day equivalent to not letting them be devoured by wolves. So, despite the obvious advantages this ability has given to our species, I ask that all parents try to be a little bit more objective when parading around their potentially monstrous-looking babies.