For some people, just being in a public bathroom heightens the tension of every moment. Something as innocuous as standing next to another person becomes your own personal hell when it’s done at the urinal. I’ve heard sweaty bearded man-voices squeak with fright when asked a question while relieving themselves. Their nerves fail them and they shake and quiver as if their bones were attempting to gyrate out of their bodies. While I don’t personally relish the moments in the men’s room, I cannot say it has ever upset me either.
However, there was a single occasion at the Olive Garden that I will never forget. It all began, strangely enough, at the end of the meal. The bill had been settled and everyone was making their way back to the car. The faux elegance of Olive Garden has already made me slightly giddy, as it always does, and I was full of water. I made a detour to the men’s room and, for a time, had it to all to myself. The first person to enter was an eleven year old with a backwards baseball cap. He paused and decided that, rather than stand next to me, he would enter one of the stalls where he could have additional privacy. I head the seat flip up and his stream make contact with the standing water at the bottom of the toilet.
Moments later, a second young man entered. This one was in his late teens. Again, there was a pause before he too decided upon the privacy of a stall. I was almost offended but considered that they were both knee deep in their awkward years. At sixteen, there was no way I was going to stand next to a grown man and pee if I had the choice of hiding out in a stall. Satisfied that the problem was their lack of self-confidence and not some creepy vibe I was putting out, I went to wash my hands. At first, everything was going fine. My hands were wet, soapy and I was rubbing them together but something started to feel very wrong. I sensed that something awful was about to happen and then it did.
I looked over my right shoulder and found myself face to face with the teenager’s eyeball. He was terrified. He had taken every precaution he could have to avoid this very moment and it had all backfired horribly. Our faces were so close that I could almost taste his breath. Whoever had designed the bathroom had placed his stall as close to the sink as possible and then left a large gap in the wall next to me. We were both stunned and involuntarily locked eyes until I realized that his were just getting larger and more afraid. I could see the alarms going off in his head. His brain was trying to die to avoid any further shame and I fell into a fit of laughter because I knew it.
I laughed hard. Hard enough to drool a little. The entire situation seemed hysterical to me and I couldn’t help myself. I stumbled around the room and clawed at the towels while convulsing, honking and gasping for breaths between laughs. I snorted and chortled all the way out into the parking lot and for most of the ride back.
So, if you are that kid in the Olive Garden bathroom, I am sorry we had to share that wonderful moment.
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As a final reminder, this Saturday I will be at the Shadow Art Fair. If you think that you might like to enjoy yourself with an entire day of live music, good beer and art, you should visit Shadowartfair.com for more information. I will be there, at the VOSKY booth, selling the print version of some of my comics and stories (two dollars), music, short films and entirely new stand-alone pieces like the one modeled below.
We also made a commercial for it.
…see you there.
You Monsters Are People. 
It’s just bizarre for a woman to comprehend the practice of peeing in front of one another. Sure, we go to the bathroom together, but uh uh!
Krill yourself is too funny.
I hope you sell lots of stuff at the fair.
We did!
Peeing is believing. Seeing as a side effect of peeing certainly can be disrelieving. Hopefully the young fellow will remember to laugh when later in life he is the one at risk of being labelled the perv. I am so glad I read this post. I am going out in a few minutes. Now I know there is something I have to do first. Good luck at the fair.
I always use a stall – I wear tracksuit bottoms and they don’t come with a fly! :)
Thanks for the visit and comment – Pat is now officially a grandma and coming to terms with being 60!!!
She can still outrun women half her age she is so phenominally fit and makes me feel twice my age! LoL!!!
Bugger: Forgot the notify flag…
You could always customize your tracksuit to have a fly.
HILARIOUS!!!!!!!!!!!
THANKS!!!!!!
I am so, so glad I’m a woman, and can use the stall without any of this embarrassment and feeling of what’s right and whats not…. I was joining in your snorting laughter at the end, and feel for that poor, poor lad, probably traumatised for life now… and now I laugh again!! (I am so,so bad!!)
Many thanks for you dropping by, and for your comment. … and good luck at he fair. xPenx
Thank you!
The faux elegance of Olive Garden has already made me slightly giddy, as it always does, and I was full of water.
Haha, love it.
It seems funny to me. They have to know that nobody thinks Olive Garden is fancy but they put it on like it is… it seems like a big goofy joke that everyone is in on.
For the record, Olive Garden may also be one of the only chain restaurants that I actually enjoy.
Funny stuff. You may like my bathroom post 4/17/11.
I’m on my way, Carl.
I didn’t make it to the Shadow Arts Fair…I’m sorry. I was in Ireland and my plane was delayed for 2 days, so I missed it. I’m sorry. :( How did it go?
Two days? You shouldn’t be the one who is sorry, I should. That sounds awful. How was the trip outside of that?
I was actually really looking forward to seeing you but sometimes things don’t play out like we want. We can always try again.
It went well however, it was so full of people and Michigan has been so hot lately that I was slightly delirious by our seventh hour. I really wished I could have a few more beers, spent more time with friends, headed out side to hear the bands and check out the other vendors but we manned our little booth and actually got rid of a lot of product. The comic was the best seller!
By the end, I was so tired that I nearly fell off my motorcycle. I ended up falling asleep at a nearby house.
The trip was amazing!! I loved everything about Ireland! It was pretty brutal trying to get back home, though. They kept delaying our flight every couple of hours, and then they finally put everyone into a hotel for the night. It was the Crowne Plaza, so I can’t really complain. :) The plane was supposed to then leave the next morning, but then they kept delaying the flight over and over. I didn’t end up leaving Dublin until after 3am Monday morning and arrived at 5:30am Toronto time (with my original flight, I should have been back home early Saturday morning). I then had to wait for another 1.5 hours to get my luggage…ridiculous. So, I got home by about 8am, got changed, and then went straight to work smelling like airport floor (I was trying to sleep on the floor from 9pm to 3am) and regurgitated airplane air. Disgusting.
Anyway, other than that, it was an amazing trip! I traveled the whole island and still feel like there was more to see. :)
I’m glad everything went so well for you guys! I was really hoping that I’d be able to make it but I guess it just wasn’t meant to be this time. You’re right; we can always try again some other time. I’m not surprised in the least that the comic was the best seller…you’re a genius. :)
Now, when you say you fell asleep at a nearby house, do you mean that you were at a friend’s place and actually went inside or do you mean you just leaned against some random person’s house and went to sleep? lol. (Can’t lie…kinda hoping it’s the latter one…).
It actually went sort of in between the two. It was a friends house but I did end up falling sleep outside leaning against it until someone woke me up.
You make Ireland sound wonderful and air travel nightmarish. I also don’t much like being stuck in a plane… I think it’s the other people. If I could pick my own co-passangers, we’d probably have a blast.
We’ll have to plan a get together sometime soon. Also I am not a genius, even if I did convince someone to buy a framed photo of something I drew with the caption “Krill Yourself.” I blame his drinking but I really do hope he truly thought it was brilliant and put it on his mantle… and not in the bottom of some closet after he sobered up.
Ireland is wonderful and air travel is nightmarish…in fact, it’s the worst. The worst thing ever. I used to think the same way that you did about the passengers, but after spending more than 48 hours with each other, all of us passengers got to know each other pretty well and we actually did end up having a blast…until we all had to lie down on the airport floor. Funny how that can be a buzzkill.
Yeah, Detroit isn’t too far away from Toronto, so I’m sure we can make something happen. :) And, just for the record, you are a genius…a slightly crazy one, but a genius, nonetheless. ;)