Anthropophagous Togetherness: Meat, Your New Friends

We’ve all looked at someone we’ve loved and thought, “When they die, I might eat them a little bit so they will stay part of me forever.”  It probably doesn’t happen all that often but it has happened.  You’ve noticed your mouth watering once or twice when you’re affectionately pretending to eat up a baby.  Do you know why?  It’s because a part of you wanted to eat that baby for real.  You wanted to pick up that baby, put it into your face and go to town for some cosmic cannibalistic reason that you could not even begin to explain.

It’s definitely a taboo but sort of makes sense when you really think it over.  Skeptics will claim that people aren’t food but everything is food once you are willing to eat it.  Also consider that some of the best foods for you are occasionally the least appetizing.  There could be untold benefits.  By eating someone else’s brain, there is always that chance you’ll gain some of their intelligence and a few of their memories.  I hear you asking yourself, “Is that really possible?”  Basic science points to yes, but research results have been mixed.  Experts probably want further testing before committing entirely.

But this isn’t a lecture on science, this is a request for progress.  Eating another person doesn’t have to be a big deal anymore, we can learn to evolve.  When you’re on your way out just let everyone know that they don’t absolutely have to go out for a burger after you kick the bucket.  It’s as simple as that.  Your wake would also be a barbecue.  While we are spending millions on slaughtering animals that probably would rather not be slaughtered, we’ve got a great source or protein that we’re wasting.  Cannibalism isn’t all Albert Fish, Armin Meiwes, Jeffrey Dahmer and Issei Sagawa.

Although temporarily incarcerated in France, Sagawa explained that he wanted to eat a Dutch woman he was in love with in order to gain sexual power but the only way he could see to do it was through killing her.  If you can argue with that rock solid logic, I would like to see you try.  He currently lives in Japan as a free man and low level celebrity.  This might seem like a miscarriage of justice but maybe Japan is just a more progressive and rational society than France and every other country I’ve ever heard of.  He wanted to eat someone, but couldn’t do it without killing them so he had to murder them.  One plus two equals three.  Still, he probably should have asked her in advance and not just assumed she’d be good to go.

Frankly, it almost seems disrespectful to just bury someone in the ground.  They put Lenin and Mao into glass cases and I can hardly believe that not one super fan has managed to sneak a piece of that red meat to taste the power.  I’d want to be eaten.  I’m considering putting it in my will that my grandchildren all have to take a bite before they put me in the ground or shoot me into space, (whatever is more fashionable in the future) or else they don’t get a dime of their inheritance.  Did you know that, before photography, people used to make dead people’s hair into jewelry?  I learned that at a museum and museums always have the facts.

Listen, I don’t want the whole world randomly biting hunks out of one another.  That’d be taking this too far.  I don’t even want you to think that it’s okay to eat a person unless they give you specific permission to do so.  Cannibalism isn’t a game.  It’s just a good way for us to all become a lot closer as people.  We’d appreciate each other a lot more.  Wait, maybe that’s what I wanted all along.  Perhaps, all the acceptable societal cannibalism is just a way for us to appreciate one another.  I suppose, we don’t have to consume human flesh to achieve a greater affection for our fellow human beings.  Let’s forget that idea almost entirely.  Maybe we can just strive to be less awful by holding open doors, listening and helping each other achieve their dreams.

If a person kept up being civil, somewhat kind and helpful, there is no telling what might happen.  They could even find love, I suppose.  It’s important to be close to people and give a piece of yourself to them, metaphorically.  And it’s imperative that you let them know how you feel, using your own words.  You never forget when someone important tells you something special.

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16 Responses to Anthropophagous Togetherness: Meat, Your New Friends

  1. “Maybe we can just strive to be less awful by holding open doors, listening and helping each other achieve their dreams.”

    Eating one another sounds a hellava lot easier.

  2. Spectra says:

    I was really with you all along, following the purity of your logic without question. I mean, it was good enough for the Fijians, why, eating visitors is how they welcomed the conquering English to their tiny island paradise! And the Aztecs, in addition to ripping out still-beating hearts from their sacrificial humans and occassionally the priests sneaking a tiny bite, also are alleged to have hacked and carried off the limbs of their enemies for a little spirit-snack. This was also to gain the strength of their enemies.

    Who is this guy you speak of? And how did he get off on a murder/cannibalism charge? Guess I better go investigate.

  3. prenin says:

    Hmmm… An interesting thought!

    I remember a guy had it in his will that he be butchered and fed to dogs, it is a custom in some countries for the body to be left in a special place (I think it was a tower) to be eaten by Vultures or the local equivalent, many tribes eat ‘Long Pig’ and collect heads, although certain diseases that would not have affected them have been transmitted when they ate their cannibalistic meal and resulted in more deaths due to infection which wiped out entire tribes.

    Bones found in caves here in the UK and in France showed signs of being systematically butchered, so we can suggest (NEVER ASSUME!) that ritual cannibalism was known in the stone age.

    There have been examples of survival cannibalism due to plane crashes etc. so it is not unknown today, but the stigma attached to it meant that the survivors had a lot of persecution to suffer because of how they survived.

    If you are what you eat, I know of eight people who should be pilots… :)

    God Bless!


  4. TikkTok says:

    You’re such a great humanetarian! And to think you’d give that up just to share the same pot and water….. :lol:

  5. asoulwalker says:

    Ahhh… the wait felt so long but it was totally worth it. I’m buying a giant pot and filling it with dirt in anticipation…

  6. If I eat a tiny chunk of you, will I be a better artist?

    Just curious…

  7. Great post! So glad I found and am following this blog. Keep up the good work.

  8. countoncross says:

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  9. peculiarpotato says:

    Me personally,I would like to watch the faces of the super rich turn lust red when their Grand pa says in his taped WILL that his grandchildren have to eat him or they don’t receive all those precious metals and fiat currency. I bet they’d get down on their knees and fang him to the bone if it meant a change in lifestyle. Thanks Posky! Another great blog………P.P….

  10. nursemyra says:

    and I thought having my tattooed shoulder skin removed from my dead body and made into a book cover was a macabre idea

  11. Byron says:

    I have a friend who, upon his death, wants to be cooked whole and served to his family and friends. The feasters would get money from his will depending on what exactly they ate – – the closer they got toward eating his cooked penis the more money they would get.

    We are friends to this day.

  12. ssbuckmaster says:

    I have always thought fat people would be delightfully tender. By the way, HILARIOUS.

  13. Corey Haskins says:

    Dude thinks he’s an alien. Have you watched this?

  14. Pingback: Pillow Talk: A Brief History of Romance | You Monsters Are People.

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