Becoming a hater is one the greatest things you can do with your life in these troubled postmodern times. However, the prevailing popularity of willful ignorance and complacency may make finding like-minded individuals difficult. A lot of America has thrown in the towel on critical thought in favor of cooking shows and sixty hour work weeks. But if you’re wasting most of your time watching network television and working at a job that you don’t like (like most of this nation), and you aren’t offsetting that by occasionally setting a BMW on fire or crashing a motorcycle into a bus stop full of ugly children, you should probably have feelings about something more relevant than trans fats or fashion. Have a damn opinion. Even if it’s a terrible one you’ll at least be more interesting. It worked for Hitler. That guy has entire shows dedicated to trying to figure out what his deal was.
As someone who is passionately annoyed about things that warrant such negative emotions, I have assured myself that I am a much much better person than all of those baseline morons that just can’t seem to stop talking about their favorite episode of their favorite show but has nothing to contribute about their actual life. I also know that some people prefer an opinionated hate-machine to some automaton that subscribes to all of the fluffy feel-good nonsense that the internet is currently littered with. Every young straight woman that has ever read a book has wanted to give their love-soaked underwear to Holden Caulfield. They adore him not despite his character flaws but because of them. He hates himself and he hates the world he lives in because he sees everything that is wrong with it. His biggest problem is also his most appealing trait. But, if Holden were a real person, we can probably assume that he grew up to become everything he despised. That’s what happens with the children of upper-crust parents with obnoxious names like “Holden Caulfield.”
So what’s your excuse? Are your parents rich too? Have you somehow miraculously avoided hardships to a point where you don’t even know enough to be angry with the status quo? Have you ever asked yourself why you “liked” Pepsi on Facebook? Do you think it’s because you are a stupid idiot?
I do.
The density required to claim that the 1980s was the decade of unbridled greed approaches that of a neutron star when you consider what has happened in the last ten years. We’ve sold the souls of Middle-Class America to appease the cooperate overlords that now run the government and are currently attempting to control the flow of information. General-Mills recently attempted to make the claim that someone who liked them online had no legal grounds to sue them. The current chairman of the Federal Communications Commission is a prior lobbyist for cable companies and is currently making subtle arguments to murder net neutrality by promising “something” else. President Obama, who previously supported net neutrality, nominated Tom Wheeler as head of the FCC and the Senate unanimously voted him in some months later. In case you are unaware of how the government makes hard decisions like that, here is a helpful diagram:
Rod Serling said “We’re developing a new citizenry. One that will be very selective about cereals and automobiles, but won’t be able to think.” I hate to break it to old Rod’s big-eared ghost but we may have gone well beyond that if we can’t even realize when those companies are taking advantage of us. Serling couldn’t possibly see beyond the event horizon and envision the mass perversion of media into one giant stream of commercials intermixed with less-than intelligent programming. His nightmare scenario was just the tip of the giant digital dildo we are all simultaneously being raped with. Remember to like and follow all of your favorite brands today. Tattoo “Nabisco” on your face right now and get fifteen percent off your next bag of Oreo Cakester Minis™.
While you’re out there being obsessed with Japanese anime, perfecting your steampunk outfit, hunting down that perfect new brunch spot in Brooklyn, or whatever other potentially pointless thing you are way too interested in right now, you might be missing out on having an opinion on important things. You might even not want to have an opinion because it’s too much damn work. I was recently complaining about internet service providers, their garbage “premium access” concept, and how it holds content hostage. Then a friend suggested that I stop complaining because I couldn’t predict the future and to “just see how it goes.” That’s a really incredible attitude to have. The next time someone points out a problem with something I’m just going to say, “Hey, let’s just see how it goes” and then finish masturbating into my own face while I watch reruns of Glee.
If the incomprehensible popularity of YouTube videos where some perpetually shrieking imbecile contorts their already hideous face has taught me one thing, it’s that the democratization of media risks setting the bar perilously low. Who knew that an entire generation would, when given the option, automatically default to the most dumbed-down content imaginable and then aggressively defend it when someone finally came to the conclusion that it was garbage? Do you know what those people call the truth-tellers of our culture? They call them names to discredit them and keep you from listening. They call the greatest heroes since astronauts haters in an effort to defraud them because they go against the popular opinion.
Haters are the pariahs of the internet and face endless persecution simply for identifying that something was of a lower than desired quality or not to their particular taste. Well, a hater claimed that the earth was round, a hater realized that the Earth wasn’t the center of the universe, and a hater died on the cross for making too many waves. That’s right, Jesus Christ was a hater. He knew the score and had to pay the ultimate price for telling-it-like-it-is because “like-it-is” was just too real for The Man.
Maybe you feel fine about how things are going though. The chemical toilets that comprise the majority of the United States Congress and the growing number of lobbyists that fellatiate them into sweaty satisfaction might be your sort of people. Maybe you’re a famous rapper who crams expensive bottles of champagne and whole lobsters into hired asses for fun. Perhaps your great-grandfather started a major American company and you are now an out of touch weirdo trying to ensure you leave this world even more impossibly wealthy than you came into it. The fact that I don’t know tells me I should probably spend more time researching my readership.
You are a speck on a dot in an endless black void of swirling dust particles. So the absolute least you can do is to stop being such a stupid complacent asshole. Be a hater. Tell someone their six-hundred dollar purse is ugly. Smash your parent’s television the next time it plays a car commercial featuring a ukelele backing track. Make a person in the class above you terrified of your very existence. Bulldoze your pastor’s home and tell him it was God’s will. Stop watching dog or cat videos, get out there, and eat one. Read up on something other than what celebrities look like now that their show has been canceled and use that new information to become a creature of some small value and consequence. Then again, can you imagine the chaos if everyone thought for themselves?
You Monsters Are People. 