The You Monsters Are People Audio Experience: ZZ Power Bottom

Posted on November 4, 2013 by You Monsters Are People

In the fifth episode, guests Joseph Hastings (Christian leader and Beacon of Light recipient) and Junior Walker Thomas (Law Student and United Atheist Alliance member) weigh in with their thoughts on religion. Both interviews build to very intense climaxes and we learn just as much about these men as we do their thoughts on faith. Where do you fall on the spectrum? What’s the right way to deal with differing opinions on faith?

I’m also investigating possible merchandise so, if you would be interested, send your thoughts to youmonstersarepeople@gmail.com and we’ll try to cater to your needs in the future. I’m thinking apparel and would like to get rid of any advertising on the website.

Finally, I have to give a special thanks to the good folks at thompsonwaite.com and vinniemassimino.com for all their extra help last month.

Posted in Current Events, Dark Humor, history, humor, Life, podcast, podcasts, science, society | Tagged , , , , , , | 1 Comment

Halloween: Dream Analysis

Posted on October 31, 2013 by You Monsters Are People

halloween2013x

Pfft. I’m not even sure that’s a thing.

Posted in Current Events, Dark Humor, dreams, humor, Life, true stories, web comics, Webcomics | Tagged , , , , , | 22 Comments

An Open Letter to the People in Charge

Posted on October 10, 2013 by You Monsters Are People

Dear Oligarchy,

It’s been a long time coming but I think people are finally starting to catch on to all of your bullshit. The public trust in you is beginning to collapse like those cheap umbrellas you produce in China for pennies and then sell here for eight dollars when it rains and I’m forced to buy it because didn’t have the foresight to bring my own. One more strong gust of lucidity and I’m convinced the traditional belief that you know best is going to flip inside out.

We are learning that simply being in charge doesn’t necessarily qualify you to make the best decisions. In fact you’ve made a lot of really poor choices throughout history. Even though you tried to blame things like the Crusades and the Holocaust on a few bad apples, we know that it takes a lot of cooperation to accomplish nightmares of such scale and grandeur. You have been hard at work ruining things for thousands of years, albeit often with the best of intentions.

BadAngryAdvices

BadAngryAdvice_s

But you don’t really know what is best for people and you need to come to terms with that. I understand that having a lot of money and power makes you think you might have it all sussed out, especially with all of the “yes sir” and “yes ma’am” you probably hear on a daily basis. It is probably difficult to have an objective view of oneself when your purebred butler puts your pants on two-legs at a time before your private chef makes you the world’s last dodo egg for breakfast. However, consider taking a step back and pausing for a long hard look in the floor-to-ceiling diamond encrusted mirror. Isn’t there a chance that you might be just as scared and stupid as the rest of humanity?

Why do you want to run the world anyway? Have you ever thought about that? Isn’t it kind of strange how much control you already have and how firmly you feel a need to keep hold of it? I’ve seen spoiled children less selfish with their favorite toy than you are with everything. You could be spending your time and money in so many more productive and enjoyable ways. Did you know that cancer still needs to be cured? There are also kids that need better access to education and entire countries of poor people. Even if you didn’t want to have some great cause, you could just enjoy yourself without screwing up everyone else’s good time. Richard Branson seems happy going on adventures, breaking world records,  being a humanitarian, and is a genuinely likable billionaire. He still has influence, he still avoids paying taxes, but people don’t hate his guts. Taking that into consideration, what kind of rich person do you want to be? It might be better to be a fun loving philanthropist instead of an clueless oligarch.

coolrichguy

Or…coolrichguy_0001

Listen, I know that you are not all anthropomorphic excrement oozing around the gilded corridors of your mansion while scheming about becoming more profitable and powerful through the the ruination of your fiefdom. I know that the worst of you don’t even realize what absolutely selfish and amoral garbage water you’ve become. Oligarchies are complex and multifaceted organizations of plutocrats, many of which are completely disconnected from reality.

In the end, it really is our fault for letting you get so out of hand. We have bought into your propaganda and allowed you to proselytize yourselves and your products nearly unchecked for far too long. We can sort of see that now. Your role in our governing bodies have held back the progress of our societies while also stripping us of some of our rights as citizens. You have made it very clear that things are changing fast and you really don’t have a taste for it. We know that you’ve softened with the times as much as you could, and even tried to evolve with the rest of humanity, but I think we’ve outgrown you. We cannot keep giving you our money to fritter away simply because you are deemed important. We cannot trust your judgement when you attempt to block our very rights to question it. We’ve changed a lot since the days of yore and it’s time we moved on. Not all of us are happy watching reality television or willing to take it lying down. It’s too late. You cannot be in charge anymore. Please don’t make this harder than it has to be.

Sorry,

You Monsters Are People

Posted in Dark Humor, history, humor, Life, musings, politics, society, true stories, web comics | Tagged , , , , , , , | 30 Comments

Religious Apathy: Putting My Faith In Faithlessness

Posted on October 1, 2013 by You Monsters Are People

This week I am guest posting on A Clown On Fire as part of A Five Day Conversation on God. I talk on my personal experience with religion and feelings about faith. Here’s a taste:

More often than not, parents try to impose their own thoughts and practices upon their children. If they say you’re going to be a Mormon snake farmer, chances are you’ll be spending your afternoons reading the Pearl of Great Price and sucking the venom from your bites after a stint in the cobra fields. Children are rarely afforded the luxury to make up their own minds on who they are going to be. This is partially because parents expect certain things from children but also because children are very stupid. The kicker is that, often times, it turns out that the adult is stupid too.

FAITHFULRead the rest here.

Posted in Dark Humor, humor, Life, society, stories, true stories, web comics, Webcomics | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , | 7 Comments

The Information on Osculation: A Brief Kisstory

Posted on September 12, 2013 by You Monsters Are People

Millions of years ago one caveman told another, “Put your mouth on my mouth. I bet it will feel totally good.” and kissing was born. Ever since that day, the origin and rules of kissing have been debated fiercely by history’s greatest minds. Today I plan on becoming one of those minds by attempting to help you navigate the logistical catacombs behind mouth-to-mouth contact. Together we’ll decipher kissing’s deepest mysteries and establish a basis for all of your future pecks, smooches, and snoggings. To begin, it should be established that the thing I just said about cavemen was entirely made-up. The most commonly accepted theory is that kissing evolved from the practice of family members passing chewed food into babies by mouth and became a way for families and tribes to greet each other. I know, gross.

But most of us grow up kissing our family members until society tells us to tone it down. Historically, there have been a lot of conflicting rules about kissing your dad in general, but especially on the lips. I literally think about it every day, sometimes late at night when I’m alone. Ancient texts, like the Bible, are always having sons kiss fathers passionately but things aren’t quite so simple anymore. These days you can only kiss dad-mouth for a set number of years until it’s suddenly frowned upon. I remember the last time I kissed my father on the mouth clearly, mainly because he had a mustache. That’s a sensation that finds a deep crease inside the memory part of your brain and sets itself up to live forever.

But, while the etiquette is debatable, something changes in you once you’ve kissed romantically. The first time I stuck my tongue into another person’s mouth something inside me changed forever. While the term “French-kiss” is usually attributed to early 20th century France’s reputation of being more sexually progressive than the rest of Europe, there are conflicting theories that predate it. In fact, one such theory claims the term actually came from a previously held belief that there was a pathway off the esophagus directly above the heart that, if stimulated, would create a permanent feeling of love and adoration. This idea, developed by 16th century French doctors, was also applied to the intestinal track’s appendix. While we don’t have any evidence to back this up (and may have even made it up), I did make a drawing illustrating it.

KISSandMAKEOUT
So when you’re in your late teens and your uncle plants one on your mouth after you haven’t seen him in two years, your mind sort of doesn’t know what to do with that information. When that happened to me, my brain sent me messages to laugh, cry, respect his bold move, feel ashamed, kill myself, become very upset, and still love him simultaneously. Looking over to my father for comfort, I found none. His eyes were as dead as I was to him as a son in that darkest of familial moments. Nobody knew what to say to each other during the car ride to Old Country Buffet. We sat in the kind of silence where you could hear the the tires moving from one slab of concrete to another.

In hindsight it probably wasn’t as big of a deal as we all made it out to be. That side of my family was, by and large, unapologetically affectionate. I have seen them kiss dead bodies; not for some twisted gratification but as a way to show their affection for the person and say goodbye. When I really think about it I suppose it isn’t really all that bizarre when you take out some of the social taboos. If someone I knew, that genuinely cared about me, kissed me right on the mouth, I’d probably react as if I had been licked on the mouth by a dog. I would recoil in horror but laugh and generally feel pretty alright about the experience. Maybe our days would be more enjoyable if we were more impulsively affectionate with the people we love.

But, in adulthood, kissing is almost strictly a romantic affair. It’s no secret that I’m an above average kisser. It was my saving grace in high school because I drove a minivan and looked like I was starving to death. So the second someone told me I was a good kisser, I immediately told everyone else I knew. But, as it turns out, telling people yourself isn’t very confidence-inspiring so one year of my college life was spent making out but not having much sex. I was planting the seed and practicing my technique like some sad, olympic athlete training for an event that doesn’t exist. As I got older, I noticed that the concept of making out was being dubbed sort of silly and it stopped coming up so much.

KISSandMAKEOUT_0001Over the summer I made out with a complete stranger for the first time in my entire life. I had been drinking gently all day with friends and it began to crescendo at a club in Brooklyn. It was the kind of place where you could go out on the roof to look at the cityscape skyline and reflect if only you weren’t so very drunk. I still managed to attempt it with mixed success but the music eventually changed from smooth jams to electronic mayhem and my mind became hazy with alcohol. Before long I had a charming encounter with a young lady trying to avoid the advances of another male. We joked briefly and, before long, I was sucking face with a woman I had never met before. A pretty face that knew it’s way around a joke had attached itself to me for reasons I still do not entirely comprehend. But I had a great time and genuinely liked her. While her technique was superb, I remained painfully aware that I was in a very public place. No matter how much more I drank I couldn’t shake the feeling that our kissing didn’t look nearly as good to the outsider as it felt to us.

When I was six the same thing happened to me only it was a wedding and I only got kissed on the cheek. I thought I loved that girl for about week, I even told my mom about her. It’s strange how a similar event over twenty years later has a very different feeling. Everyone thought it was adorable when I was six but I bet nobody thinks that when two forty-six year olds are eating each other’s faces off outside of an Applebee’s bathroom. Well, I say shame on all of us for judging them and urge us all to try and envision the innocent children that they used to be. Imagine them making out as seven-year-olds and see how you feel.

Oh, whoa… wait. Do not do that.

KISSandMAKEOUT_0002

Posted in comics, Dark Humor, history, humor, Life, musings, science, society, true stories, Webcomics | Tagged , , , , , , , | 30 Comments

Clifford: The Large Crimson Canine

Posted on September 2, 2013 by You Monsters Are People

cliffordbigreddog
I told this to one of my nephews after reading part of the book to him. We didn’t finish it because he got really into pretending to crash toy cars off the coffee table and onto the carpet. Each time he would make an explosion sound and then usually a few seconds of fire sounds, so I knew there were never any survivors. I used to do the same thing. It was at that moment when I wondered which of us had the darker imagination. I wish I was with him now and the rest of my family eating corn on the cob or whatever normal people do.

I have a haiku.

Labor Day weekend
I grew a poor looking beard
It rained in New York

Posted in animals, art, books, comics, Dark Humor, Life, pets, true stories, web comics, Webcomics | Tagged , , , , | 24 Comments

How To Kill The President

Posted on August 27, 2013 by You Monsters Are People

Recently a friend of mine sent me one of those shortened website URLs that brings it down to a few characters of gibberish. The purpose being that it looks marginally better than the mile-long web address it normally takes you to. However, when I clicked this one, it took me to the FBI homepage with the search results for “How can I kill the president?” While I knew instantly that this was a hysterical prank, I was also keenly aware that the FBI is strongly against people killing presidents (with the possible exception of John F. Kennedy). I did not want my life to become a substantially less exciting version of The Bourne Identity so I immediately shared the link with as many people as humanly possible. That way the FBI would either think that it was a harmless prank or that there is a growing number of wildly unstable young men that, for some reason, all thought the FBI’s website could provide them with the information required to assassinate the commander-in-chief.

magicbullet

Still, with all the internet peekaboo that goes on these days, I knew that this could potentially pose some problems for me in the future. This risk is multiplied further because I have a tendency to end a lot of phone conversations with “Alright, mom. I’ll talk to you later, explosive devices, white house, terrorism, my contact in North Korea, Allah Akbar.” My parents seem particularly disappointed when I end calls with them in this manner. They know that, even if you’re joking, powerful people can be really stupid and it’s better to be careful of what you say.  If you don’t believe me ask civil rights victim Justin Carter. So it goes without saying that I need to have a public record to clear a few things up. Firstly, if I were ever to murder someone, it would only be out of revenge or strictly for a twisted form of pleasure. It would not be political. Up until this point, I had never even considered killing any presidents (let alone one I voted for). That isn’t what I want to be known for and it, frankly, seems like a lot more trouble than it’s worth. Some degree of planning must have to go into it and, if you kill a president, that’s the first thing history is going to put on your time-resume. Do you think John Wilkes Booth is getting tons of questions about his acting career in hell? I somehow doubt it. Worse yet, if you’re unsuccessful, you’ll be known as a crazy failure (which the odds dramatically favor). If you don’t believe me just ask John Hinckley, Jr. The only things I know about that man are that he couldn’t kill Ronald Regan and failed to impress Jodie Foster—repeatedly. I can’t say this for certain, but I do feel like Jodie Foster would have at least written Lee Harvey Oswald back if not had full-on intercourse with him. In my experience, women like a man that can get things done.

Even if I try to think objectively, I can’t see how killing government officials would be a logistically viable solution for change. Historically, when one president gets killed they just replace him with another one. I would imagine it’s the same case for governors, mayors, maybe even the humble comptroller. In fact it took me over twenty-two minutes of research before I figured out a way to make a political assassination work in your favor. First off, the person you have to kill must be a senator. You also have to know the governor of their state well enough to have some level of influence on their opinion. Lastly, you can’t get caught because they’ll put you in jail. That is already way too much work. If you’re trying really hard to advise your governor on who to pick as a senatorial replacement for someone who “might die pretty soon” they are going to be crazy suspicious of you from the get-go. But there isn’t going to be enough time for you to kill someone inconspicuously, cover your tracks, and have the time left over to trick the governor into appointing your friend as a temporary replacement anyway.

bookdepositorybevins1 bookdepositorybevins

But none of this even covers the work involved in the actual assassination. As far as I can tell, the most American way to kill a political official is with a gun. Literally ever single president that has been killed in office ate lead for breakfast. So, if you’re crazy and reading this in another country, maybe poisonings and stabbings are good enough for your political killings but this is America and we demand something a little more high-tech. However, this creates a new problem: where to get a gun. Luckily for the violent and mentally unstable among us, they’re actually extremely easy to get. While gun dealers are required to issue background checks and record the sale, private sellers do not. You can go online and buy a second hand weapon in under twenty-four hours without even having to show your ID to the other person. That’s the kind of freedom we could probably use in other areas of American life.

So, now that you’ve worked up a solid level of angry madness and you’ve got your gun all that is left is to figure out how to set up the perfect opportunity to brutally murder another living person because, for some reason, you’re convinced that’s the solution to everyone’s problem. For me, it all seems entirely too complicated to even want to bother with. I’d rather write a bunch letters or organize a series of protests with clever signs (maybe with hysterical puns). Besides, why would you want to martyr someone you hated? Kennedy and Lincoln are both made extra famous because someone decided to spray their gray-matter all over their wives. Nice job, asshole, you just made them a hero to millions of people. Save the assassinations for the countries with tyrants greedily clutching onto power and stifling the civil rights of their people or wait until our country more closely resembles one of those. But remember that, if ever it does, we all should have been trying a lot harder to stop that from happening in the first place.

The more I think about it, the more it seems like even worrying about the life of a president is fairly pointless. The death of our freedoms won’t be flying from the end of a barrel. They will come as the result of years of public indifference, ignorance, and apathy.

Posted in comics, Current Events, Dark Humor, humor, Life, musings, politics, society, web comics | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , | 20 Comments

The Eagle Weeps: Please Join Me On My High Horse

Posted on August 7, 2013 by You Monsters Are People

USA
Last week, thousands and thousands of American fast food employees went on strike because they feel they deserved higher wages. As it turns out, fast food jobs aren’t nearly as glamourous or high-paying as we have all imagined. After a little bit of research, I found that the average employee makes about $14,000 a year with no benefits or vacation days. For those of you who aren’t accountants, that isn’t even enough to buy a single helicopter. While many people are backing the strike, I have seen a staggeringly large number speaking out against it. The general consensus seems to be that they feel they don’t get enough money, so someone else probably shouldn’t either. This is the same sort of logic a selfish child uses when they don’t get their way. If they can’t have that ice cream, toy, or gold chain that they’ve been wanting, they aren’t going to be okay with any other children getting one.

“Only liberals, democrats, socialists, or some fools working in fast food places believe that the reason people open a business is to hire and pay people. Sort of like Cuba. The rest of the world understands working for a living and job skills.” -Mike Clark

While Mike makes a good point on how businesses are not about ensuring the finical wellbeing of their employees, he makes an even better point on how someone can exist as a complete monster without any empathy for his fellow human beings. Mike’s comment, and those like it, received almost entirely positive feedback on the Yahoo and Fox news websites. Other commenters went on to call the strikers fat and lazy, again to bewilderingly positive feedback. While the article he is referencing attempted to illustrate the hardships of being a minimum-wage employee in New York City, people across the nation responded with anger, confused economics, bizarre patriotism, vague racism, and absolutely no solutions.

“The great thing about this country is everyone has the same exact minimal opportunities. Sure, some people are born with more opportunities than others, but we all have the same minimal ones. We can all graduate high school and go to college. We all might not be able to afford it, but you have to roll the dice and take out loans. If you choose to live conservatively you better expect to have to grind everyday and barely make it by.” -Justin Samland

Justin’s strange views on “the great thing about this country” were followed by a quote from Ozzy Osborne to really bring the concept home. For some the solution to all of this country’s problems has always been to make sure their American flag is flown higher and truer than all the rest. It’s as if they are absolutely convinced that their national pride will somehow see them through. Turn your vehicle into a monster truck, paint an eagle wearing a spacesuit on it, and hope that will be enough to ensure a prosperous future for the Unites States. While I am not even going to consider arguing against the many merits of owning a radical monster truck (or having a totally bitching mural painted on it), showing national pride doesn’t actually change anything. A lot of people are proud of their children too but that won’t keep them from growing up and doing despicable things someday. As much as I love this country, I know I have to work to ensure it’s not going to slip into serving a small number of clever individuals with a financial advantage. Sadly, I may be alone in that.

“People should be grateful that places like McDonald’s even have jobs to offer. You should be LOYAL to your employer and unionizing isn’t a right. Unions should be criminalized! They have ruined teachers AND our automotive industry.” -Tina Yarborough

 

MCDonaldsStrong

From Snog’s “Third Mall From The Sun”

McDonald’s revenue is astronomically high and their net income is in the billions. Earlier this year, they nearly tripled the pay of a recently hired CEO by giving him a package worth roughly thirteen million dollars. So why shouldn’t the base level employees have the right to organize and request more money too? After all, the company has been staggeringly profitable for the better part of a century and they owe much of that to their historically underpaid workforce.

“I’m sorry you’re [sic] paid what your worth but a fast food worker isn’t worth anything, fast food is a want not a need. Taco Bell etc is a starter job or part time job for college students period.” -Paul Stewart

This would be a great argument if it were even remotely true or coherent. Even if it were a starter job, it’s a starter job at one of most profitable companies currently in existence. But a lot of people actually do work in the food services industry as a career or after they’ve lost a much better paying job. In fact, there are fast food employees in other parts of the world already making the wages the striking employes are requesting. Similarly, not everyone goes to college and those that went to college are not guaranteed to be more intelligent. I should know because I went to college and immediately noticed it was full of idiots. Also, saying that non-essential jobs should be paid non-essential wages would leave everyone but farmers and carpenters making next to nothing. Is an advertising executive essential? Do we really need politicians? What about the entertainment or sports industries? Those people can make salaries in the millions. I love a good slam-dunk or action scene just as much as the next fellow, but are they really worth the investment?

The more I read about this, the more it just feels like everyone hates the idea of someone doing better than they are, which makes human nature seem pretty lame. They’re terrified that they won’t be at the top of their little heap anymore. But all that animosity and fear is blinding a lot of people from the real issue. We are living in a time where adults take these jobs in order to get by and simply aren’t earning enough money to survive. Why shouldn’t exploited workers have the right to unionize and negotiate better pay? At what point did we decide to throw in the towel on a better America and just assume that big business knows best or that “cutthroat and shitty” were going to be the new status quo? Our government has bailed out a banking system that severely damaged our economy and credibility by engaging in greedy and willfully illegal practices. When people organized and protested against that reality, it was only a matter of months before it lost all focus and accountability. They were being effective, they were also barred from organizing and arrested for disturbing the peace. Eventually it all fell apart. There were no new banking regulations, no criminal charges brought up against corrupt business leaders, there wasn’t even much of a continued dialogue about what to do next. Just thinking about it makes me sadder than Eddie Murphy’s rap career.

The bottom line is that people do not go on strike, protest, or make a lot of noise unless something is actually wrong. Not making enough money to feed your family is a problem and being insensitive and telling them to shut up because you’re having a rough go of it too isn’t really a solution. I find it tedious to see so much unverified and blatantly phony information posted online and reported on television for us to be scared of. Our obsession with entertainment has reached debilitating levels. Instead of educating ourselves and discussing world issues, we’re watching marathons of fake big breasted women argue about nothing in particular. We willingly give up our rights as citizens because we’ve been convinced of this perpetual danger coming at us from every conceivable angle. If you want my take (and if you’ve read this far you probably do), I believe we should stop accepting all of this nonsense. America is not great because it just is, nothing works like that. We owe it to our country to be smarter, well informed, and more vocal because it deserves better. This fast food wage issue isn’t so much about wanting more money as it is about an entire of group of people being devalued. It is well past time for us to stop being so afraid, angry, and complacent. The people of today should all start striving for more before we are all the mothers and fathers of the next horrendous generation.

USA2 tv*Comic based on myth widely circulated as actual news for the last decade.
Posted in comics, Current Events, Dark Humor, humor, Life, society | Tagged , , , , , , , | 57 Comments

The You Monsters Are People Audio Experience: What Women Don’t Want

Posted on July 24, 2013 by You Monsters Are People

In the fourth episode, Mary Heussner stops by to give me some of the most insane advice about women that I have ever heard. We struggle to maintain a sense professionalism in the sweltering heat before giving up entirely. I also comment on who shouldn’t be wearing fedoras this summer. Here’s a hint: it’s everyone.

Posted in Dark Humor, humor, Life, love, podcast, podcasts, society | Tagged , , , , , | 19 Comments

Facing the Early Bird

Posted on July 22, 2013 by You Monsters Are People

After years of diligent work improving the quality of soil and reproducing hermaphroditically, the worm realized that this was all that there was. This was all that there would ever be. There would be no great reward and this new awareness plagued his thoughts daily. Perpetually preoccupied, his digging slowed and he lost interest in reproduction until he finally stopped doing anything. Then early on a Monday morning…

TheLittleGuys_0001 TheLittleGuys_0002And, in his choice to face the early bird, he was finally more than the role that was thrust upon him by society. There would be no more digging and no more hermaphroditic reproduction. He had chosen freedom and, although briefly, he had seen the sun in the process.

Posted in animals, comics, Dark Humor, humor, society, web comics, Webcomics | Tagged , , , | 25 Comments